Not-so-Point-Form.

I like to keep my 7 followers waiting... sitting on the edges of their seats wondering, "what's going on with Amy these days??!"

Well.. the 7 of you can relax now... I will update you in point form fashion.

I've been on and off and now on again with the old Weight Watchers regime. I am so sick of hating myself and so sick of realizing day after day that I"m a complete hypocrite, telling people to accept where their bodies are "happy" (aka where you don't have to fight to stay at a weight that's 'regular' for you). Meanwhile, when the pants I got when I lost 35lbs feel snug I want to curl up into a ball with a bowl of cookie dough and chocolate and watch Golden Girls and cry myself to sleep. So basically I hate 10lbs of myself and it's pathetic and exhausting.

I've joined a club.. not a book club or a craft club- or some "normal" club a "normal" Mom would join. I've joined a pillow fight club: EastVan PillowFIght Club I love it- and I'm completely terrified of it- all at once. Picture yourself in a 10x10 ring (mats on the floor) face to face with an opponent who is about to beat the shit out of you with a pillow. It's the most exhausting thing I've ever done- seconds at a time I'm literally reliving the exhaustion- and exhilaration of delivering a baby-- okay so the end result-- not the same... but let me tell you.. I sweat more during a pillow fight then I did giving birth.

This club has pushed me way out of my comfort zone- into something unknown to me- something I really have to work hard to be good at... and I'm good- but not that good. I get anxious and excited before every practice because I'm not 100% sure of myself in the ring. This is something I aim to work on in the next while- with the support of the EVPFC ladies and my amazing family (Jay yelling at me to "BLOCK!") Miss Treats is my fighter name. I love her. In theory she's sure of herself and confident with her body. I want to be her in real life.

Abby has started Kindergarten. I'm terrified. During our interview her teacher said, "yep you just drop her off and pick her up again...." I'm thinking, 'in 6 whole hours? you?? One teacher-- with 20 five year olds? who is going to watch her- to make sure no one is mean to her- to make sure she eats her lunch, and washes her hands after using the bathroom, to hold her when she's scared??! WHO!!!!????'. As excited as I am to establish a routine again- and spend some time with just Otis- I am so scared to receive that first phone call saying something has happened at school and I need to get there asap. I didn't picture myself to be a "helicopter parent" but will I be able to fight the urge to pop in and see her at lunch time?

School brings up something else in me that I have been dealing with pretty much since Abby was born. Our economical standing. Our financial situation. The fact that Abby is dressed in mostly handmedowns and clothes my Mom has bought her didn't really used to bother me... that much. However, now she's in school, and I wonder if the kids will notice. Will they make fun of her for wearing runners that aren't $40 Nikes or Adidas?

My heart almost broke the other day when Abby had a friend over; Otis was napping and the friend wanted to play in Abby's room... well since Abby and Odey share a room this wasn't an option... the friend asked where Abby's room was. "Where is your own room? Where is your own bed??" (they have a trundle bed) Abby told her friend they shared which perplexed the friend... and Abby as well.. because when we were alone she asked me when she would have her own room? When will I have my own playroom like my friends and Cailou (that little bald bastard). I felt so sad telling her I didn't have the answer to that question... and reminded her that we were very lucky to have what we have- and I reminded her about the kids at the SafeHouse and how they are at "Mommy's work" because they have no home to go to.... she seemed to take it in stride, but it for some reason has really affected me. I've been down on myself and how we've come to be in this situation simply trying to "keep up" with the latest bikes, toys, ballet classes and outings when we really  plain and simple just cannot afford it. I need to learn this. We will never keep up. Plain and simple we're not financially built for it. This is a blow to my ego. This is my worst fear: failing.

We have been doing some fun family things over the summer including; an awesome family trip to my uncle David's cabin on Mahood Lake... this is a gift my family gives to me. My aunt and uncle share this amazing little piece of heaven with us each year by treating us to not only a beautiful place to stay but delicious meals prepared in a chaotic kitchen filled with laughter. My Mom helps with our kids who cannot wait to go back next year- Abby refers to "uncle 'Da-bid's' cabin" at least every other day- and the fox and frog, the trampoline and swimming in a lake, the tractor and the boat.... We love it there and are so grateful for the gift of being able to go.

We've been on trips to the aquarium and Maplewood Farms which both kids go bananas for. I pack a family picnic so it's no vacation for me-- well going anywhere with kids is not a vacation! It is a weekly treat though to get to spend time together as a full family... Jay and I both struggle with being ships-passing-in-the-night but we believe it is what's best for our kids... though we both agree that winning the lottery would be better. Abby's learned to ride on two wheels- Otis is riding a skateboard and even cursing when he hits something (dammit!) We've gone to Rocky Point to play in the water- which I enjoy when Jay is around because he, being the "fun one", has to get wet and chase the kids while I sit in the sun taking pictures.  Abby has been in a "reading club" and we get to go pick up her medal for reading for 15 minutes for 50 days- she is very excited because it's a purple medal. I hope she got something from the reading- I know I did.

I like to think we are doing our best... but anyone knows that feeling of [your] best not being good enough.. and it sucks. It's the worst. I hate it and I wish it would go away.

Sorry to keep the 7 of you waiting simply so you can see- nothing much has changed with me. My children on the other hand, are growing up and changing so fast I can barely keep up. As exhausted as I am I don't want to miss a minute of it, but sometimes I just need a break. I still feel like I'm suffocating under piles of stuff and there are so many to-dos and all I want to do is catch up on much needed sleep- so I'm basically the same person I was on my last post... I just beat people with pillows now and adhere to a stricter budget.