Cake Cliche... Wednesday, September 17, 2008 at 10:34pm

Describe your feelings:FrustrationAngerDissapointedExhaustedFearInpatientSelf Pity Self Loathingand moments of Sheer Joy.That was me... 15 weeks ago at my first CBT appointment.. funny isn't it.. and you know.. I still have a lot of those feelings... but the last one.. those moments of sheer joy.. I've clung to them... for dear life.Watching Abby grow has been amazing.. watching her learn to roll over, creep, crawl, sit up, pull up, scoot around furniture.. wave, do big girl, dance, bop, bounce, say cat! it's been the best experience in my life so far. Watching her change from a teeny baby into a teeny girl has been eye opening.. causing my world not only to change immensley but also SLLLOOOOOW down.. not just for the obvious reasons that leaving the house no longer just includes grabbing keys and my wallet but also diapers, wipes, crisis binkies, soft and silky, toys, extra clothes.. ooohh and the baby... can't forget her.. she doesn't like that.Watching Abby take in the world has made me look at it for longer than a microsecond. As she notices leaves and flower petals I do too.. As she smiles and waves at every single stranger on the street.. I'm not only overwhelmed with pride (what a sweet trick!.. and she's SO friendly) but I'm forced to look up from my feet pounding on the pavement to smile as well. It's so incredible to see and hear the world go into slow motion as the giant murder of crows flies over our house every night and Abby just tilts her head back and watches.. taking every last one of those floating black specks in. I love it.I love how she gets SOOOO excited when she sees her Daddy come home from work.. how she flings herself into his arms and looks around at the world from his level.. when the cat walks into the room she squeals with pleasure and shrieks "aaat aaat" which loosely translated means "cat". Even Oliver has adjusted to having Abby in his life.. and lets her crawl all over him and pull his tail... never once taking out his frustration on her.. but only Jay.. poor Jay.I still have those feelings of frustration and anger and lots of sadness.. I still grieve my on-the-go all-about-me life.. where I could work as much or as little as I wanted and buy what I wanted and stay in bed all day and eat chips if I wanted.. and though Abby is worth every single change.. I'm still not used to it.. and I still miss my old life. I can't honestly say I can't imagine my life without her.. because I remember it so vividly. I cling to those moments too.. I create my own moments now.. out to buy a mop on my own... like it's some kind of luxury.. and in a way it is... a weird way. but still a way.. I've continued on with playing baseball because there.. no one knows the old Amy.. the one who was super crazy and loud and honestly quite funny.. and they don't really know the Momma Amy either.. they just know I show up every week, make terrible jokes, usually strike out once or twice.. but I assume they think I'm alright.. because they keep letting me play.. there's no pressure to be anyone there.. not saying i feel pressure from anyone in my life.. mostly just myself. THinking I should be adjusted to these changes overnight... when really I should practice what I preach, and was just preaching to a good friend of mine, that these changes take time.. and lots of it.. and patience.. and lots of it.It's almost time for me to return to work.. duh duh duuuuuuuuuh! I'm not ready.. but I am. I know, oh God I'm sick I know so much, that I'll miss Abby terribly.. Ter-rib-ly!! How will I not put her to bed 5 nights a week?? oh bleck.. I'm going to barf just thinking about it.. but I also get really excited knowing that I can once again offer the world more than just cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and making lunches.. I want feedback.. I want conversation.. I want to give direction that isn't just "honey don't put that catfood in your mouth, babe.. no sucking on cords, seriously Abby please stop tearing the cds down" I want to make a difference again.. and be able to influence more than just whether or not my husband should shave his sideburns (and he didn't even listen to me by the way).I find that every morning I wake up and I'm a walking contradiciton (in NO WAY is that a Green Day reference so get off it). I want to sleep in.. but I'm awake and ready to see my girl.. I want to be by myself and not have little fingers up my nose.. but when they're not there..I feel a little lonely. I want her to nap by herself.. but I want to snuggle her before she hates me... I want my independence back.. but I want to be loved... I want my time, my space, my freedom.. and obviously those things are different now.. and I want to do them guilt free... but I also want to be missed.. doesn't even make sense... I was recently, today in fact, told that I was "complex" and I replied with that is just code for bitchy ass housewife.. which in today's case.. is correct.. but I guess I am a lot more complex than I thought. Suffering constantly from the "grass is greener on the other side" sydrome when experience has told me it's really not... but there's always that chance I guess that it is... Every day is a battle to just be 100% content.. but the more I think about it.. I've never been.. so that's not anything new.. I guess the things I want now, the little things, are just different.. like to pee with the door closed and without a baby sitting on my lap, fingers up my nose.. I'd love to shower without SOMEONE scrubbing the tub with my TOOTHBRUSH!! but that's not going to happen.. I don't want to be jealouse that my husband can take 90 minutes in the bathroom and I can't even get five alone in there.. but I am.. my whole body turns green.. but I'm off topic.This whole rant is off topic.. just the ramblings of some poor lady with too much time for self pity and self contemplation on her hands.. I know I love being a mom.. I think I'm good at it. I feel that Abby can feel my love, affection, desire for her to learn and play and be happy... but I also know I loved being independent.. and I yearn for pieces of that to still exist... I ache to be a little crazy now and then.. pretend I've hopped in the Delorian and gone back in time a few years.. then I could sleep in.. eat chips in bed and watch John Hughes movies alllll day :) But I think, after my day was done and my belly full of doritos.. I'd want to come home to my babe.. no.. I'm 100% sure of that.. Basically I want to have my cake.. and eat it too.. at least once and a while.

Perspective... Friday, April 25, 2008 at 6:41am

It's funny that the time of day I seem to have the most perspective is at 6am. This morning after feeding and rocking Abby back to sleep I have a few moments where I actually feel at peace. I watch her little mouth open and close and her fingers grasp my hand, tightly at first and then slowly they let go and just rest on me. Her little stripey jail bird arms poke out from under her sleep sack and her teeny chest rises and falls... it's so quiet I can hear the birds chirping and the rising sun creates a perfect light. Why can't the whole day be like this? Filled with the perception of how wonderful things actually are... we are all healthy (knock on wood), have a nice (though very 70's) place to live, I have a husband who would do anything for us.. and often does... Why does the chaotic feeling creep back into my chest by 9am? When I feel like I can never accomplish anything in a day with a little babe in the same room yearning for my attention every 90 seconds... where I feel like suddenly I've lost all control of my life and I feel like I'm NEVER going to get it back? Where I have sad thoughts and sink into a "funk" that hasn't been fixed with Mommy groups or exercise... 6am just seems so much better... and it only seems better when this is the first time Abby's woken me up since she went to bed!It's amazing how much I've learned about myself in these past five months.. and I think on some level every new Momma must be going through the same thing.. I don't think books do this time period any justice- at least not any of the 10 or so I read. I have friends now who are about to embark on the title of "mother" and I now understand that need most mothers have to "help" the new moms-to-be... but I also know how annoying those "tips" can be... but I think it comes from a place in the heart of wanting the change to be more gentle on the new-mom-to-be friends.. less of a kick in the sleep-deprived-face if you will.. I'm doing my best to supress millions of tidbits of advice, because all babies are different.. and so are mommas.... I swear if I hear about BPA bottles one more time I'll snap-- don't worry I did return every single bottle I owned (as an exclusively breast feeding mom it wasn't too many) and go for the $30 born free bottles- that being said I understand the need for moms to share advice on the "well being" of all offspring.. Anyway, I'm rambling now- it must be too early.. and as sleep has seemed to stick with Abby I may crawl back into bed, though I'm not sure if I'll sleep myself.. I may just lay there and enjoy my piece of peace that has found me this morning, before the shit-show of self pity and mayhem takes over... maybe if I did more yoga (if I had more time!) I would be able to take 10 seconds out during the rest of my day to find this peaceful spot... but I think that this 30 minutes I've enjoyed is enough to carry me over for a little while-- Abby does such amazing things that my heart is revitalized every second I'm with her... I think I'm good-- at the very least, getting better.

I'm not Okay.. but that's Okay... Saturday, March 8, 2008 at 12:21am

It's amazing to me how hours now seem like minutes.. especially when I breastfeed.. it's almost makes me wonder why I bother putting my boobs away.'You know what.. I'm not okay.. and I'm okay with that. I'm okay not feeling 100%, not even 50% some days. I can put on a brave face and go out into the world and function, hold a conversation, dress myself etc. When I get home I can revert into whatever has taken hold of me in my sweat pants and the privacy of the four walls around me... yea, I'm writing about it now.. those who know me get that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm a bit of a drama queen. But I'm not being dramatic now. This is real.. as real as it's going to get baby.I don't really want to talk about it.. but I do... obviously. It's hard to explain, because there is no logical reasons for my anger and sadness.. no reason for my ups and downs.. and when I try to explain it I'm at a loss.. it's just how I feel.. maybe there are no reasons.. no explanations.. which makes my feelings difficult to communicate without sounding like a maniac. I'm still on this rollercoaster that Gil Grisom would love and at some point I'd really like to transfer to a less scary, more kid friendly coaster.. maybe in the shape of a caterpillar... that's what post partum depression does to you apparently.. it does get better.. the loops and dips generally level out, with time of course... my new arch nemesis.. time goes way too fast and at the same time to slow to heal my sticky wounds... time just morphes when you least expect it.I have found that since I brought Abby home I crave time with my Mom. I love to watch her with Abby, or I call her to let her listen to her newest voice experiment... I think if she could make it through this three times over and still be amazing I can do it too. I have a new-found respect for mothers.. my grandma and aunts... I respect the openess I can have with other parents with the slightest hope that they may have experienced some of what comes to me now... I get that love that never dissapears and only grows stronger. I have no problems nurturing Abby.. I can sing to her, dance for her, rock her, cuddle her.. talk with her.. no problem. Her little face lights up when she hears my voice.. her little smile with her tongue sticking out... it's overwhelming... all of it. Motherhood is that one word so far to me.. Overwhelming.. overwhelmingly wonderful/crazy/sad/hopeful/terrifying/joyus... you get the picture... I do what I can to better myself as a parent.. Mom and baby groups, exercise classes with the baby.. I've even signed up for a cost course on Trusting your Intuition.. I feel I do that with her anyway but i needed something for Mondays :) I can tell when she's tired or bored.. or hungry.. I'm hoping to learn something about myself... hoping to learn how to nurture myself.. though I think I just realized this very second that it might not happen too soon.. thinking back to my mom, and looknig around, being a mom is also about sacrifice... and until I'm able to be stable enough to strike a balance I'm okay with making sure Abby is okay... I'm okay with not being okay.. I mean it's kinda sad.. a little lonesome, okay a lot lonesome... But I love her with all of my heart to the point where it hurts.. but those are the fun peaks of the coaster.. those joyus moments I wasn't even aware I was capable of feeling... I wish I could just stay up here with her forever.. shield her from the dips and loops of heart ache and dissapointment... but I want her to learn too... I'll just be on the coaster with her the whole way.. or better yet, she'll be with me the whole way.. and I take so much comfort in that.

Forget-me-Nots... Thursday, February 21, 2008 at 9:48pm

I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blind but now I see.Yea right... not yet anyhow.. still some travels to be had I guess.. Time is FLYING by.. seriously. Abby is going to be three months old in 2 days.. how crazy is that? My little bean weighs in at 9lbs15ozs now.. and there's nothing wrong with her, thanks for asking you crazy nosey old broads that seem to be everywhere.. she's just little.. just because her Momma is a whale of a good time doesn't mean she has to be. I think next time someone asks me that I'm going to say I don't feed her much because I'm too lazy to carry around a 20lber. Fuck off and die while you're at it.So.. I've been keeping busy.. I think it's important. I've been going to a post natal fitness class twice a week.. it's pretty good... the moms there are all out of my league planning 10 day long trips to Hawaii with their babes and hubs... whatever.. I'm just trying to lose this weight not make friends.. though I think I may have made a few Mommy friends at the Mom/Baby group we go to.. we'll see. I mostly go to get out of the house, being stuck in here all the time is a touch confining. For now Abby is very portable and on most days very happy to get out.. she sometimes sleeps the entire outing and others she's very alert taking in the world...So at the Mom group something struck me.. a lady was talking about breastfeeding.. she had blisters (OUCH!) on her nips and her babe was about 6 weeks old.. one of the MOms tried to comfort her by telling her that after 6 weeks breastfeeding gets easier.. the other Mommies agreed.. I could not remember... I could not remember 7 weeks ago. I freaked out. I almost started to cry right there.. how could I forget what it was like for me? I had nothing to offer.. no story to share.. it seems so muddled... 7 weeks? C'mon. There are many times during the day I stop, look at Abby and fight the little tears that try to escape.. I pray to who ever to not let me forget.. I will do anything to not forget what this has all been like for me. This experience, like nothing else in the world.. I feel like it's dissapearing or something.. but I'm in it?? I don't get it. She is here.. this little wonderful being who has changed my life so IMMENSELY.. how could I forget anything? It doesn't seem fair. So much is happening in her little world.. she can hold her head up now... she's discovered her little hands and can't keep thoses babies outta her mouth, she smiles when she hears my voice, she is working on her giggles...I don't wanna forget all of these firsts. Pepole probably think I'm nuts with the millions if pictures but they're only evidence of my biggest fear.To all the people who said, "I told you it goes by so fast" you can stop now, you're not helping.I hold my bunny while she falls asleep, I believe it comforts us both. While she rests in my arms I wonder what she's dreaming about... I wonder if she thinks I'm funny.. I wonder what she will be when she grows up... I also cry when I get those quiet moments to soak it all in.. those moments I don't have to share but I can keep all to myself and just hope that my heart won't forget... and that life will stay calm enough to not let those opportunites slip away. Of course I wonder how could I have helped to create the most beautiful person this earth has ever seen.. and then I wonder when I turned into such a ball of mush.. maybe that first ultrasound at nine weeks when I saw her teeny beating heart.I never wanted to be a stay at home Mom but now it breaks me when I have to think about leaving her... it hurts my lil soul. Many days I still have nothing left to offer Jay or anyone, I've spent it all on Abby. Don't get me wrong I can have many a conversation about things other than my babe... leaving her is a touch difficult and I feel like my friends understand for the most part..though secretly I don't think anyone can know how i feel.. not even other Mommas... it's weird.. thinking that way has disconnected me slightly and i need to shake it off.. and I will... I have to end this.. I'm trailing anyway... and I'm typing with one hand... and mny beanie needs her bath... and my wendy whiner tears need to be dried.. I need to go find some forget-me-nots and take some more photos to help ease my fears... and I need to change out of my new uniform of spit up covered clothes that i actually love so much.

My Baby Walked the Women's March... Friday, February 15, 2008 at 10:11am

So.. for Valentine's Day Abby and I walked the Missing Women's Memorial March.. well a portion of it.. We had to leave Carissa on her own to finish it off due to parking and swollen boob/hungry babe issues.FYI every year on February 14th hundreds of people gather at Carnegie Hall on Main and Hastings to take the time to talk, mourn and remember the missing women of Vancouver's DTES. It is a day of solidarity for women, their loved ones, residents of the DTES, and for me it signifies a day for Sex Workers to have a bit of a voice. The quilt, patches made by friends and family to signify each of the missing women is held in a circle in the full intersection of Main and Hastings and the Women Warrior song is chanted.. Elders are there to watch over the ceremony and I was told yesterday, by a woman who has attended this march every year since it started, that the circle is to provide healing to the family members who have outlived the women who have gone missing or where found murdered on the Pickton farm...Stopping at spots where women were last seen.. it's a bit eery, it's terribly sad... it's a beautiful thing to see hundreds of people take the time out to remember.. it's sad. I cried a little bit.. I cried for my sisters, for my mom, friends and for my daughter... Anyone can end up working on those streets in the sex trade.. it doesn't just happen to THOSE people.. with poverty taking over Vancouver and recruiters scouting out elementary schools, restaurants and even hospitals.. we are all at risk. It's scary. It's sad.. and it's so unsafe. The laws in Canada are not friendly to sex workers.. forcing them to work in unsafe conditions, places.. forcing men and women into the cars and arms of predators like Pickton..What got me was I didn't see or hear anything about this on the news.. maybe I didn't watch long enough.. but when "how much money the US spends on Valentine's Day" came on our local news before any word of this annual march that took over the streets of the DTES I got angry and changed the channels.. one day really isn't enough.. the hub-bub around safety in the DTES should never die.. we should stop turning our heads or cranking up the music to ignore the poverty that is only kilometors from where we live... it made me a little sick to not hear anything. Awareness people! Sure the march stopped traffic in the afternoon and people popped their heads out the window to see what all the noise and singing was about.. and it's a start if they investigate further but when you can't catch it in the first 20 minutes of the news where are you going to learn more? I know where.. but that's because I'm educated in parts of this issue... ahh forget me.. I'm just frustrated! Anyway, my activism has diminished over the years, due to working two jobs.. and now having my babe in my life... but it was important to me to take at least the day to remember that just because I'm not as involved the issues have not dissapeared... with the Olympics coming.. ahh.. I can't even talk about that! It was important to me to bring Abby because I don't want her to be ignorant to what's going on around her.. I'm not saying I'm taking her for Sunday drives in the DTES as soon as she's old enough to talk but I want her to feel empowered as an individual and I hope she grows up wanting to empower other people as well.She was the youngest marcher there.. with her little black skull hat... she liked the singing and the noise.. I like to think she's aware!

White Picket Fence... Friday, January 18, 2008 at 11:48pm

So... It's Friday night.. 11:30 or so, Abby's asleep (IN HER CRIB!!) Jay's out at a movie, and I just finished my dinner of Ritz crackers and cheese.. I should go to sleep while the babe rests as she was up all day so I'm anticipating a 2am party with her... but I'm restless.So much has changed for me, for us. I feel like I've totally bonded with Abby, in fact, I make myself feel stupid when I suddenly wake out of a daze to find myself staring at her while she sleeps with tears in my eyes.. or when I raise my voice to chipmunk levels to make her smile.. when I call her Bunny or Rabbit or something equally as Mom-ish.. Everyone tells you how much you'll love your child.. and for me, it didn't happen instantly, well I loved her of course, but now I really really feel it.. it's this intense emotion that has taken over my whole self... my soul feels different.. so now, I've adapted to being a Mom (well I'm still adapting, but I am now loving being a Mom, a step in the right direction) but I feel lost in the rest of my life.Being a new wife... I guess I didn't really even have time to be just a new wife because I entered into my marriage a knocked up lady! So, Jay and I find ourselves adapting to our new selves together.. in a confined space.. with a crying infant! Talk of "this is not what I imagined" has come up more often than we'd both like to admit, and deep down inside I know this phase, the puberty of marriage and parenthood, will pass with time, and a lot of work. I have my family: my loving husband, my adorable daughter, an obese but kind cat and a little house with a yard.. but I'm missing my white picket fence... instead we have a rickety skeleton of rotting wood on one side of our front yard and one lining the back yard... filling in the middle and putting on the paint is up to us... white picket fences just don't happen.. I'm finding that out now!I appreciate Jay's patience with me during my identity crisis.. some days I'm a bitch, others I'm the loving wife he thinks he married (hehe) and others I'm a blubbering mess... I spend all of my day giving all of my love and attention to Abby.. figuring out how to spread it around has proved more difficult than I thought... I'm inamoured (sp) with her... and when I'm not cuddling her, I'm trying to sleep.. or trying to maintain the life I had before I got married (I mean friendships not drunken table dancing). There is so much growth to happen... so much adaptation and it's so overwhelming! I feel like the fat kid at the prom sitting by the punch bowl... socially awkward and a little slow, definitely a little pudgy with no sense of style.. it's hard to mix who I was with who I'm becoming, and trying to be calm and "good at it" is too challenging a task for me to pull off..It's so weird... when your dreams come true, and then you don't know what to do with how they turned out... it would be nice if life was like a dream.. no work, just blissful floating from cloud to cloud, nothing to worry about, no work to be done.. I think since being on maternity leave this is the most work I've ever done.. I do like a challenge, I just like them when I'm more hormonally balanced. Also, next time I take on a challenge I'm going to try to do one thing at a time.. not 10 years worth all at once!!So my bags are packed and my journey has begun, unfortuntately I'm on a layover from a red eye flight with nothing good to eat and nowhere comfy to sleep. The ride is bumpy and I'm tired.. but I'm going to keep going. I'm going to try to find the "fun" part of me that has been hiding since I became a paranoid Mama who stresses constantly about her baby, finances and her husband's status as a Canadian resident... While I find my new normal I'll be seeking balance and more laughter and a few less tears... I want to find that lady inside me with the crossed eyes and the ability to make people laugh.. with the desire to feel love again instead of just worry... I know she's somewhere on my trip and I hope I find some pieces of her soon.. for Jay's sake.. poor guy deserves a medal for putting up with me... that's why I love him so much I guess.. now.. I just need to tell him more often.I'm going to find my pillow now, for a few precious moments of blissful dreaming.. before I have to whip my boob out again for the most beautiful little being in the world.

Secret Club... Saturday, December 15, 2007

Three weeks ago I became a parent… a Mom… it's crazy how time flies.. and at the same time it feels like it's been three months.. most likely because I haven't slept. ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> When I saw Abby's first little sprig of hair… I was thrilled.. hours later when she was finally placed on my chest I knew I would never ever feel that way again.. there isn't a feeling in the world that can top that moment… my daughter… with her teeny little feet with monkey toes, her long fingers, little nose, soft skin and a face with a million expressions. I was instantly in love with her.. hours later though, I was at a loss with myself. When my epidural wore off and all of our visitors had gone.. Jay was sleeping on his mattress on the floor.. Abby in her little bin by the bed.. I just started to cry… this emptiness washed over my body… my belly once full of life, looked like stretch mark streaked bread dough, lifeless and mushy.. I didn't feel any kicks anymore, no squirms or hiccups… I tried to remind myself that she was right beside me, now breathing the same air as me, eyes now able to see me (well soon enough anyway) fingers able to wrap around mine.. I still felt a little sad. Nurses came in every few hours to check in, and each time I had to fight tears, no actually I didn't.. I just let them fall. I couldn't explain it.. I had what I had always wanted.. a little daughter, and a supportive husband who loved me with his whole heart… what on earth was happening? Why was this vast sadness standing in my way of feeling everything I had ever dreamed of?? Nurses explained it was the hormones.. my visiting home nurse has called me 6 or 7 times to check in on me.. she was away and asked her colleague to call me.. Wendy was her name. Wendy, saved my life… She took the words from my teary mouth and gave them meaning.. all of my feelings were validated in minutes. She explained to me that I'd be riding pregnancy hormones for 40 weeks.. and now all of a sudden my body has to adjust to having none.. my emotional breakdowns were like me.. jonsing for the hormones… she explained that the adjustment period is not kind on new moms most of the time and I need to give myself a break.. I explained that I've always worked two jobs, or gone to school and worked… I don't fall behind on things.. and now.. I can't even get out of the house before ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />3pm.. and I'm a wreck.. she pointed out I'm good to be getting out at all.. Wendy pointed out that my old normal is gone.. and that I need to grieve the loss of my old normal and my old life.. because the loss of those things also comes as a surprise.. no matter how prepared you think you are to be a mom.. she told me that in time I would find my new normal.. but that's what I would need.. time. She told me to spend time with what friends were left, as she, without me even saying anything, said she understood that I'd probably be a lot more lonely now.. with friends kind of staying back, or disappearing into the mist as the new baby came into my life… she reminded me that my husband will still love me even if I am a blubbering mess by the time he gets home.. all of my relationships have changed.. all of them.. and it's really really hard.. especially I guess because of the time of year.. I explained to Wendy that all the things I said I wouldn't do as a Mom I'm doing.. purely out of desperation she assured me that I would have time to correct them as Abby gets older… like more than 2 weeks! She didn't laugh at me, or make me feel stupid, like I was a bad parent, or like any of my questions or concerns were stupid.. Wendy is my hero.. or is it heroine? My doctor, whose kind, understanding eyes and genuine love for her job has Abby and I checking in each week.. when I explained to her that I now feel like I can't go out in public and I can't talk to anyone about anything because I feel like I'm socially retarded.. she took the words from my mouth and like Wendy, gave them meaning. She made me feel human…she also pointed out that sleep deprivation is a form of torture and increases stress and emotions… and I have to admit, I'm going to miss going to the doctor.. I guess because I enjoy the reassurance that everything is okay… during pregnancy it was amazing to hear Abby's heartbeat.. now it's so great to hear she's gaining weight and everything looks good.. it makes me feel like I can do this job they call Motherhood. I guess until I gain the confidence myself the medical reassurance has been a crutch for me.. I will be so sad if I'm not able to continue to see my doctor.. as I just found her in pregnancy she may have to ship me out as I'll no longer be part of her prenatal clinic.. I have been trying to wrestle my way into her general practice but have been told by the receptionist that because I live in Burnaby it might be a problem.. it would just be so nice.. for one single thing to stay the same… As for my transition now..I want out of my secret club of one.. I cry a little less.. not a lot less.. but sometimes I will go a day without tears… and it feels really good. When we can get out and go to the bank or the grocery store for diapers I feel like a million bucks.. I went to the mall with friends the other day.. and though it was stressful.. and we ended up leaving fairly early it felt good. Abby has grown so much and so many people haven't seen her… I've gotten to enjoy her grunts and growls and her priceless expressions.. she looks like a little angel when she sleeps.. I've loved her from the second I knew she was there.. but now I'm enjoying feeling that love a little more.. and each day.. I feel a little more of it… so now.. I may seem weird, or distant.. a little socially retarded but I'm adjusting to my new identity.. what that identity is.. I still don't know, for I'm still grieving the loss of my old normal.. and hopefully soon I'll be on my way to discovering my new normal.. I have a feeling it will be quite the journey.. and hopefully one day soon I'll have my bags packed and be ready to embark with fewer tears and more peace in my heart.