Looking for Positives...

Well, 2010.. you're nothing special so far-- but you're also not the worst thing to ever happen to me.. let's keep it that way shall we? Things have been crazy. I've been wanting to write since I rang New Years Eve in at work- no wait! I got off early (pun intended) and was able to ring in the New Year with my husband (insert cliche fortune cookie ending here: in bed). Since we started dating in 2006 this was the first New Years we actually rang in together "together".. as in he wasn't calling me at midnight from Baltimore, or waking me up at midnight for a little kiss and to breastfeed Abby- or calling me at work.. I made it home... and old friend used to tell me that you can gauge your year based on the events of your New Years eve- if that's the case, 2010 should be allllright. I don't really know what to write about. Things are the same.. I'm still yearning for a baby and pretty much ready to sacrifice it all until we can get pregnant again. Attempting to decipher the ways of my uterus and other lady bits has been quite the adventure. I have a feeling that things are settling down a bit-- I hope.... I still worry about the length of my luteal phase and whether or not I have enough time for an egg to implant before my uterus breaks down to deliver the "products of failure" in the way of that bitch "aunt flo" and I have been peeing on sticks comparing test and control lines like Sarah Sital on CSI.. but whatever.. that's me.. I'm a control freak.. this shit is out of my hands and though I haven't fully accepted that yet- I feel better this month for some reason... I say that now, but when my period shows up- there will be hell to pay. I'm also turning 30 in a few short weeks... the last of my 20's (duh). To be honest-- I really want to ring those last days in pregnant and healthy. Every time I get a glimpse at Abby playing with her little buddies, or nuzzling her "soft softs" in her sleep-- I can't bear to think that we won't be able to make another baby... driving home from my grandparents on Christmas-- she was soo tired... she wrapped her little hand around my fingers the whole way home as I sat in the back seat with her... I watched the street lights move over her face and in those moments I just loved her so much- it reconfirmed for me how much I want to have another child... this week her and the little lady I watch during the week had a princess dance party- watching Abby interact and shake her little booty- I teared up and started to cry (we all hope those are the hormones of ovulation kicking in-- with any luck) she just looks so perfect in those little moments--- and she looks so "2" in other moments (ie. pushing, taunting, teasing, tantruming) but I don't care about those "2" moments- because I know, just around the corner will be another perfect moment- like when she gets ready for her bath and does the "I'm neh-ed" (naked) booty shake... and post bath "funny face" *gabba* in the mirror.. There are some other things that have been different, in a more positive way, for me these last weeks as well... I don't know what- or how- or why.. but I have just realized how much I love Jay... it's not just because he arranged with my Mom to get me a treadmill for Christmas either (that did score him some extra points) there's something-- I might have missed it before.. I know I love him- that's why I married him- but in the rush of getting married pregnant forcing my US citizen of a husband to work under the table... dealing with postpartum depression/denial, money stresses etc.. I missed what a wonderful and caring man he is. He's an amazing father.. sometimes too amazing because I get ripped off and don't get the hugs and kisses daddy gets (and also because someone has to be the "bad" guy). We have been a great team these last few weeks.. the whole ships passing in the night (aka 315 in the afternoon) has been okay- because there is an intimacy that has returned-- that extends out of just the bedroom and into the rest of life... We are both hard workers (him after some serious nagging from me) and we take turns working hard in the "work force" and on the "home front" it isn't easy-- but it's all we have and we are making it work. It's nice- it would be even nicer if we could go out for an hour with just each other- but that's not happening any time soon! I have been very worried about the women in my life.. my Mom, my momma friends... my website support group friends (who have been very helpful, I don't give a shit if it's nerdy- it helps me)... Abby (who has another appt. at Childrens' coming up). I feel like being able to worry about other people- and to try to make things better for them has been helpful- that does NOT mean I take pleasure in other people's sorrow- I think it just reconfirms my career choice and the kind of person I am.. a "fixer" if you will- a "fixer that listens"- oh and gives hugs... my heart breaks when people close to me aren't happy-- and I can take that anxious energy I for some reason let hold fort in my body- and turn it into something positive- by transferring it into a "helping energy". I hope... I do know that the worrying and the "are you okays" get excessive- but I do really care-- these women have gotten me through some of the worst- no- THE worst times in my life- I owe it to them to try to help... I just wish I could wave a magic wand and make things better instantly... I want to be as helpful to them as they have been/are to me. I'm all over the place- I guess the product of a 50 hour work week combined with a two year old and a new treadmill that I just HAVE to run on every day... measuring lines and checking fluids-- that'll do it I suppose... my clothes match- they're even clean.. I get a whole day off tomorrow- to grocery shop and fold laundry and eat dinner with my family.. Perfect.