Hi Ho.

Holding Otis tonight as he started to slip from awake to asleep panic washed over me. Tomorrow night I won't be putting him to bed- and then more nights after that... I'm going back to work. I can't believe that it was a year ago that I left my job, swollen with babe, nesting like a maniac and desperately trying to squeeze in last moment "Abby" time before Otis arrived. I can't believe I have to go back already- where did the time go? Funny thing is, it seems at times that he is so big now- as I nurse him at night I have to put up with his squirming and pulling his own hair, kicking his feet- he's a vicious nurser- Abby was never like that- but as I looked down at him tonight, my giant baby, I feel like it was so very long ago that he was small- that he fit in the crook of my arm and slept peacefully and still on my chest... Aside from the panic I'm pretty stoked to get back into my work. I'm returning to the safe house- to continue to work with youth in crisis- a place where I truly do love to work. I have no stability there aside from the confidence I feel when I'm actually doing my job- I have no guarenteed hours- no benefits etc... so I have started to look at other jobs (sadly) and actually have an interview Friday morning... now: this is very remniscent of my last return from maternity leave- where I applied for a full time line and had my dreams shat on... I was crushed- rejection and me; not good friends (poor rejection- probably doesn't even have any friends- well aside from self loathing) I am not sure if I'm setting myself up here or not- but the job sounds amazeballs and like something I would love to get paid to do. I am scared for Jay- having to feed two small children, bathe and then put them to bed is no small task. Throw in the fact that he's been out of the house for 10 hours and it gets to be even more of a challenge! I'm scared Otis will forget about me- or that he'll do hilarious things or walk more than 2 steps when I'm gone... I'm paranoid Abby will resent the fact that I have to work too- that she'll notice that even more lack of sleep makes Mommy even more cranky-- maybe I'm setting myself up for that one-- I can do this. There just seems to be so many things I have to squeeze into the day (like all other people I know) I just wonder what life will look like when I'm working-- I know it will be messier.... we'll find out tomorrow I suppose. I am oddly confident that my youth working skills will need nothing more than a light dusting off and then they'll be fine. I'm imagining my phone voice and logging in observant language. I'm picturing myself locked in the bathroom pumping at Otis' bedtime! I hope that with my passion for empowerment and crisis deescalation will be enough to keep me up until midnight- and that I can ride the high of "helping" until my car is safely parked in my driveway. I hope my children will stay asleep as I creep into their room to watch them sleep for a few minutes- to fix their covers and kiss their cheeks- and then I pray they stay asleep until 10 minutes after I come back inside from my morning run--- which my ass hopes does not get lost in the shuffle of adjusting to life. We've made this choice as a couple to pass each other in the night. We're good parents who cannot afford childcare in this paycheque to paycheque pay grade- we've committed ourselves to our kids because that's the way we were brought up- and also because paying for childcare is not an option- by the time we paid the daycare bill I'd probably be making $3/hr... I love my husband for being as committed to me as he is our kids... I'm lucky. I'm off to have my cake and eat it too- be with my children- and hopefully maintain a meaningful career (okay- one should be getting paid more than I to call it a career- but this is the plight of my field). The cake will be heavy- and huge- but I'll feel full- satisfied.