Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Almost... what?

okay.. so it's been a while.. months actually.
At first I couldn't write because I knew I would spill the beans... then.. I was too nauseous to write- then too tired- too busy- too depressed-- there was always something. Truth be told there still is- because right this very second I am STARVING... but told myself I needed to write before I can have a snack.. maybe bread and peanut butter?? Mmmm....
So. It did happen for us- I am 15w5d pregnant right now- and we are so thrilled-- well, Jay is thrilled... I have spent the last 4 months being scared shitless... I found out about beanie 2.1 on January 20th- I had an appt scheduled with my dr. for the 21st because 4dpo (days past ovulation) I started spotting- this can be a million things- but one of those millions is that my progesterone level could have been low- causing me to 1. not ovulate or 2. not be able to maintain a pregnancy--- well... I saw those two beautiful pink lines and nearly died of happiness... I saw my dr. the 21st- then again 2 weeks later in tears with anxiety- she booked me for an ultrasound at 7w4d (beanie measured 8w1d) just to make sure there would be a heartbeat-- well.. around 4 days before my appt. I started spotting-- everything was fine at the ultrasound but I didn't breathe for four days... I could barely move consciously- but I made it through work and life- a ball of knots...
4 weeks later I started to spot again- it lasted for a week-- I was a mess- by this point I could find beanie's heartbeat on the doppler I rented- but I still couldn't relax-- my cervix was checked- all looks good down below- my "numbers" were great-- I still could barely breathe- I had an ultrasound again at 12w1d and there was beanie- measuring 12w5d... a perfect little human with a nose, lips, fingers and toes- I have never cried so hard with relief...
Finding the heartbeat now is a daily ritual for me- I wake up- get Abby- and she puts the doppler on the lotion and we "listen to Mommy's belly" That beautiful sound of a galloping horse and little kicks and twirls is the perfect way to start my day-- and it is reassuring-- but I can still barely breathe.
I did not openly tell too many people about being pregnant right away-- not because I'm superstitious-- or because I'd keep a loss to myself (we all know that isn't happening-- see previous blogs!) but.. because I didn't want to feel sad again when people, my friends, just didn't "get it". I realize now, there is no "good" thing to say- and nothing anyone says can make it better-- but it is still disappointing even though logically I know it's not possible for people to understand (unless you've been through it yourself). I couldn't go through that again.... but that perfect looking beanie was too much to keep to myself... plus- I seriously look like I've either been chugging beer for 3 months or like I haven't pooped in 3 months..
I have relied so much again on my Momma friends- the Burnaby Heights Milfies who have all "been there" I struggled so much with every period and ovulation strip that I think they know more about my lady bits than anyone does... but patiently they listened and problem solved and let me lean on them-- and now- patiently they listen to my insane anxiousness and bring me muffins to eat through my tears and write me words to ease my fears... I am eternally grateful.
My coworkers have also played an integral role in me staying out of the nuthouse- as you know my job is that of a "helper" which is handy because it means I work with other "helpers" and "listeners" and though none have never been in my shoes- they humoured me and helped me and patiently waited for my rants and worries to drift off into actual work.. I can't say enough about the amazing group of people I work with. Maybe I sound desperate calling coworkers my close friends- but I've debriefed thousands of dollars worth for free with them...
My Dr has been amazing.. noting my crazy stress rash as I go in to see her with questions I already know the answers to.. she humours me as well.. patiently- along with the staff at her office and the on-call docs... she has been honest with me since my first visit- there are no guarantees until the baby comes out- but for once she has thrown helpful statistics my way. I look forward to crying in her office into her sympathetic blue eyes and her gentle voice which always tries to soothe me.
I have never had anxiety this bad- and for what? I'm a smart girl- logically, mentally- I know- I can't do anything to stop anything that is "destined" to happen- if it's going to it's going to- but I am terrible at being out of control- and that is exactly what pregnancy is... it's a hormonal mind fuck- a body fuck- and a soul fuck! But I take all of those symptoms in stride in hopes that it means the beanie is healthy and growing fine... I don't think Jay will want any more kids after this beanie- because I have been a serious basketcase... he has also been patient with me- often saying nothing because he knows my irrationality and he knows no matter what comes out of his mouth I will likely bite his head off- I apologize frequently for my distance and my craziness.. he takes me in stride as well. He looks at my hands which I have washed raw for fear of getting sick- and passes me the hand cream..
Abby is starting to notice my belly- and since our close friend just had a "baby in her belly" Abby points and says, "NO BABY MOMMY'S BELLY!" and then she asks to see my belly- just to make sure there's nothing in there- this of course makes me paranoid she is a crazy psychic baby and she knows something might happen (yes, I am currently THAT irrational). As the time approaches we will tackle this with Abby-- truth be told this past week I thought someone stole my girl and dropped a little asshole in her place- one who argued every single statement on the planet, one who kicked and screamed and wouldn't go to bed, one who said "no Mommy snuggle Abby" but, looking back I wonder if she is staring her sibling rivalry a little early? She is smart- but is she that smart? Well.. the asshole left anyway and my nice little lady is back- well.. my little farting lady whom likes to snuggle Mommy and who has been staying in her bed without kicking anyone for days.. I hope she sticks around a while longer because she's going to make an amazing big sister.
Things have not been perfect since I got my Birthday Wish- they are challenging and difficult as usual- I've continued to struggle with depression and have the internal battle about upping my placebo dose meds just a little (at my drs recommendation) but I'm not ready yet- I am still conscious- and aware- and have been utilizing (over using) my resources- Jay lost his job- though we have recently heard it does look like he'll be returning to work (fingers crossed) I've been working like a dog and with Abby's new waking hour I'd be exhausted even if I wasn't pregnant and hormonal- things at my job are challenging right now- as I kind of struggle with my pride and integrity- and I'm disappointed in the imbalance in equality there-- but I still love the work as much as ever- it's just not perfect.
Being pregnant has made me realize even more that even when you get your perfect wish- it will never just make everything else go away- there will still be imperfections scattered madly about in life- it's frustrating and agonizing--purely exhausting... I'm sick of struggling- of searching for sanity-- but I'm not ready to give up- once again I may just have to dust of my compass and change course- and settle for my perfect imperfections and begin my journey towards just being content.