Monday, December 12, 2011

Never Enough.

Funny. I've been wanting to write for days... and on the drive home from work I thought of all these witty, interesting things to say, and now, as I sit here, I've got nothin'.
I said to my husband the other day, in what I remember being a fit of desperation, "why can't just one single hour of my day be easy?!" This was after 4 straight days of 5 hours sleep a night- and after I had run around all day doing stupid little things that should take minutes and with two small children they take hours-- and when those two small children are being especially challenging it feels like it's taking days.... after I fed my family, I left my house, my husband, my children, the mess, the chaos... the love... and I went to bootcamp.
I have found, since Abby was around 18 months old, a kind of peace in exercise. It helped me to lose the baby weight and then some I gained after Abby-- and then once again after Otis.. and now thanks to celebrating holidays with small children who love treats, it will hopefully once again help me shed the 10lbs that have creeped back on...
Aside from helping with weight loss- it has been key to managing stress. Before my maternity leave with Otis ended I would run every day at 6am.. starting my day before the chaos began- even being able to shower and drink a hot cup of coffee-- now as I often don't get home until close to 1am and as Otis still wakes in the night, 6am is not realistic- and when I try- it's only conterproductive- making me even more overtired... I do however sneak out during Otis' nap- either bringing Abby along- or setting her up with the tv and the baby monitor to which she often announces updates or makes requests of me to come inside "for just a sec".
I fell in love with this dance bootcamp a while back- I think because it makes me insanely sweaty and it's a serious challenge- and I get to laugh at myself attempting to do this thing people call "dancing". The instructor is awesome- and high energy and enthusiastic- all the things I wish I could be... and it's also somewhat a social exercise- relying on some of the same people to be there week after week- which is nice- consistency is so soothing to me sometimes.
I have also been running with a friend- who is the world's greatest cheerleader- and again, creates an environment where we exercise- but we also get to socialize- and catch up- and gossip-- and challenge each other: mostly she challenges me- but I love that... I get so much satisfaction out of that push.
Now this friend and I have recently arranged for the bootcamp instructor to work with us in the gym- to guide us through some strength training etc- which has been awesome... I find myself at home now randomly on the ground attempting to do push ups- or stopping during cleaning up to use the toy bin to do tricep lifts (or whatever the hell you call them)- about halfway through what I aim to do Otis usually sits on me... which is pretty cute- but not helpful.. I dream of being fit- and firm- and finally feeling beautiful.
Maybe it's shallow- but my body isn't what it once was... and though now I'm thinner and more fit than I was before I had my first child-- it's different. Things are in different places, textures are different- it feels different. Scarred by first growing children, then labouring them into the world- and finally feeding and nurturing them has left me feeling unsatisfied with how I look- feeling sad... and after the amazing feat of having children you'd think I'd feel the opposite: that I'd feel strong and powerful- and beautiful- the way I see my mother, and my friends who are mothers... but I don't: I just feel sad.
I feel like sometimes the world has created yet another nemesis for women: firstly we are our own worst enemies- but as years go on more and more is piled onto our plates (this is true not only for women, but people in general). We are expected to be amazing parents, gainfully employed, amazing housekeepers and chefs, etc etc etc, and on top of all that, we are supposed to be beautiful...
This desire for me- I literally squeeze the time in... at first I thought it was because it's what makes me feel good- I really do love to exercise- I love the adrenaline of beating my time, or lifting a tiny bit more (and I mean tiny- I'm a wuss!), or lasting through the whole ab segment of my class- the socializing with people who are interested in the same things etc etc etc... but secondary to those things- the drive for me to be "better looking" seems to be creeping in... I compare myself to people who are unrealistic for me to compare myself too- women who haven't had children- or who have and have always been naturally thin- women who are younger- women who have time to work out 2x a day... women who get to sleep longer than 5 hours a night-- women who have family here to help them have time to achieve more- I'm exhausted- and it's not because of all the exercise.
I don't think I should stop all of it- because I do feel like the pros outweigh the con-- the desire to simply "be" more beautiful- I wonder what I can do to help make myself "feel" more beautiful- to feel satisfied with how I look- to have the confidence I had before I had my kids- I was more confident with 20+ extra pounds on me...
I guess it comes down to-- well I don't know what-- maybe I think I can make up areas where I'm less adequate than my peergroup- maybe I feel that even though I don't own a beautiful house, tidy and full of nice things, or even though I don't have support here- or can count on 3 fingers the number of times I've been out with my husband alone in 2011, or even though we are living seriously close to the poverty line-- I can keep up with my beautiful friends? Could I be more shallow?
As soon as I walk in the door from work each night- I go into the kids' room and I look at them. They are so quiet- and amazing- so peaceful... I wonder how my low self esteem will affect them as they grow up- my embarassment over certain things, my uncertainty, my worry- why can't being beautiful to them just be enough for me?