My Get Well Card

T minus nine days and I will get to say goodbye to this year. Oh- you think I'm going to be perky right now? Ha. That shit was shortlived. I just can't take it anymore... I am struggling with something I hear all the time, "He giveth and He taketh away"- please- tell Him to stop taking from my family and friends. Please... My heart is aching for one of my best friends right now. I haven't slept much- I feel sick to my stomach (though not sick enough to stop me from eating a bowl of chips and 3 scoops of ice cream- oh and two nanaimo bars), and I'm just tight with worry. I'm at my limit for losses and heartache this year... I've reached the top- all of the rest that piles up over the next 9 days will have to park in the overflow lot- but don't you dare think you're making your way into 2010 with me. I don't understand why bad things happen to the most amazing people... I just don't get it. To make them stronger? If they are good people- aren't they strong enough already? Why fuck with a good thing really- is taunting and teasing fun?? I don't know how I will handle Abby's first heartache- I get ill just thinking of it- the first time someone calls her a name or ignores her- or heaven forbid breaks her heart... I can't handle it when it happens to my friends and family- but my own child- I think I'll lose it. I want nothing more than for the people in my life to be happy and healthy- and have what they long for (within reason- no virgin sacrificing ceremonies or anything crazy like that). I want them to feel fulfilled and satisfied.. loved and cared for... and then- I want to be a part of that... As a control freak I cannot handle it when I can't make something better- my usual cookies or flowers in a funny vase won't work this time- time.. my arch nemesis, time is back- and the only one who can fix things. Mother fucking time. Tonight when I got home- I ignored the bills and moved onto a few cards we got in the mail- I opened one with 12 simple blocks of colour- and the definition of hope written on the bottom: 1. to wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment 2. To have confidence.... hmmm. I used to. Inside are some beautifully written words- some quotations from this blog (I didn't even think anyone reads this) and some words about the future- and how things will come together for me.. for us. "never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has come together. What you have desired will finally come true and when it does you will look back at what has passed and you will ask yourself, 'how did I get through all of that?' It is the love and strength hidden deep inside your heart and soul. Stay open to the world- so you have so much to give and recieve." Driving home tonight.. I cried and cried and cried. No reason really- just the usual circumstances with a little heartache shaped cherry on top- those words- "stay open to the world" for some reason they get me.. they wrench at my heart- because I know it's true- but it is so hard... so exhausting... Thank you. Whoever you are- thank you for reading- for hearing- for doing-- something that I so needed. I want to revert back to 11 days ago- when I loved myself for those brief moments... I am going to try to cling to that feeling- those few seconds of hope-- I am going to try to focus on Abby's giggles and wiggles- on Jay's adoration of us both- and be thankful we are both alive and healthy (though in need of a stern diet... sans nanaimo bars and ice cream). I am going to grab onto the hope that my dear dear friend is carrying in her heart right now- during one of the worst times I've ever heard of- I am going to try my best to "float on"

MIrror Mirror...

... on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

Not. Me.

Giving Abby a bath tonight after a long long week, one of many long long weeks, I stared in the mirror as she repeatedly demanded I get in the "back seat" of the bath tub. I just didn't want to be cold... I sang to her and dipped her, all the things I could do from the inside, on the outside of the tub, in my warm jammies.

Anyway, as I stared I realized a few things; I'm getting older. My face shows it. I look tired, I have wrinkles and bags.. my skin looks terrible likely from major lack of sleep, bad weather and stress and anxiety... probably dehydrated too. I also realized that I look different.. other than looking older of course, I look.. sad- or wise- or both. I appreciated my reflection in that moment though, with the chatter of my 2 year old in the background. I appreciated it because of all I accomplished in the week that led me up to looking the way I look... all of the things I've been through this year and struggled with have made my eyes look deeper than they did before... I looked honest tonight.

Even though I hate my wrinkles and my untamed eyebrows I have an understanding of where they came from- the reasons for their pitiful existance... I examined my body- fuller than just post weight watchers from comfort eating due to grieving.. lack of time, and just depression. I appreciate, and loathe at the same time if that even makes sense, my stretch marks- you know the ones that held off until 35 weeks and then attacked my baby belly.. I am thankful for my hips that allowed my healthy baby girl to be born.. my smaller, much less perky, breasts for feeding her for a full year.. my arms strong enough to hold her, to carry her, to wrap around my husband and tell him I love him, and to pull him in close as we strive for another baby...

I'm grateful for my furrowed brow wrinkle- because it shows that I've been thinking, analyzing, pondering, and maybe sometimes... dreaming. I think it shows that I don't take the world with a grain of salt, though sometimes that ability would be helpful to my mental health.. My eyes let the world know I wear my heart on my sleeve- I'm obviously not that good at hiding my emotions. I wear them on my face, in my shoulders, in the tone of my voice. But that is me.. and though it's not always ideal.. it's me... and I'm proud of me.

Jay has been off work since Wednesday when he had his second, and hopefully final, surgery on the tendons in his hand. I've been working a lot as usual- having a little lady come and play with Abby in the mornings, then working at the safe house at night.. so even though he should be resting.. he has to deal with Abby- he's been doing an amazing job as usual. Tonight when I came home I just realized how l ucky I am: laundry folded, house vacuumed, baby fed, loved, nurtured, (gabbas even tucked in) Abby's bed time clothes were even laid out-- he gave her the meds I cannot touch with his gibbled paw. Over the last little while, I think I've woken up to understand that I really am a lucky lady- I've had a really terrible unlucky year, but I've been given a lot of gifts.

The acupuncture is going well- I drift off there- forcing out the crazy bad thoughts and trying to breathe in postivity, light and balance.. it is by far not "fixing" things, but I think it is bringing an alternative view to the things in my life. It could be the acupuncture- or just the movement in my lady cycle away from the dreaded red curse and into the surge of the lutenizing hormone- and the relief now that I don't have to pee on a stick for another 13 days- who am I kidding will I make it that long? I am starting, just starting, barely, to be thankful for the things I do have- and I'm mindful everyday of the smallest successes- whether or not I verbalize my recognition is another thing, but baby steps.

I know I will continue to dwell- that is me too- part of who I am... and I think I've decided that if you don't like it- then that's too bad. I know the people close to me in my life can deal with it- I hope because I give them enough in return- I can only hope that's the reason- it can be draining being a friend with a dweller- but my fakey smile is on the shelf- if I'm not feeling it, you simply won't see it. What you see is what you get- no substitutions- I'm hoping, and feeling, at least in this moment, my moment, that what you see will be slightly happier than before- baby steps...

I Used to be a Happy Person

I don't know what my problem is... My husband and I are happy- we've been kidding and joking around- and in part it is to help me cheer the fuck up and to stop dwelling on things- but also- we seem to be back to where we started. .. Silly but with more responsibilities... and fatter. He is a wonderful man who loves me- he adores our Abby like nothing I've ever seen before- my father certainly never looked at me the way he looks at Abby. He takes everything with a grain of salt- or at least he pretends to for my sake. He rolls out of bed at 530 in the morning- rolls back in the door at 3pm in order for me to go to work.. sometimes he gets a few moments to himself to read his dorky websites- other times Abby is anxiously awaiting his arrival. He lets me go and do my thing- with working four mornings a week and at least four nights a week I don't have much time to myself to get things done- or to just be alone.. I make sure we eat at least one meal together a week- but the other night I have off- I need some time to myself- and he lets me go... he doesn't complain about himself- he sees what I need and understands and just lets me go. I try to do the same for him- sometimes I have to push him out the door to see his friends- none of whom are very "grown up" in the ways of being married or having children- or even steady jobs- but I know how isolated I feel at times, and I know he hides his feelings for me- because he doesn't want his crazy wife to go any crazier. He is amazing. I sometimes wonder if I scared him into being such a wonderful person- my expectations are high- I used to be a happy person- someone that if I were one of my friends that I would want to spend my time with- now- not so much. I'm a dweller. A pessimist. I look at myself in the mirror and I have Kramer flashbacks- you know that episode where he was a smoker- and he cowers and screams, "don't look at me.. I'm HIDEOUS!" I know I'm transparent and I know that I'm not that fun to be around. I am trying to get back there.. I'm trying to "float on" I'm attempting to posses that attitude of John K. Sampson- the "throw away my misery it never meant that much to me.. it never sent a get well card". Well.. here I am.. sitting, waiting for a card in the mail: Dear Amy- don't worry.. "even if it gets heavy, we'll all float on alright" "disassemble your despair it never took you anywhere it never once bought you a drink".... let. go. You are going to be okay... things will get better. You will heal. You will have another baby... you will get a full time job... etc etc etc. I know it seems so ridiculous to think that if I have our second child a year from now that I'll lose my close friends.. the truth is sometimes I feel that way. And this, my wanting another baby, has NOTHING to do with that.. but it has added to my anxiousness around it. I know it's silly. Saying it out loud makes me sound like an idiot.. and idiot that should hit the back space button- but I'm not going to.. not many people read this anyway ;) Those who do- I don't think would judge me for it. I am going back to acupuncture tomorrow. I liked it. Apparently I fell asleep- I didn't think I did.. but I am so exhausted it doesn't suprise me. My body now is so tense in the short hour of naptime I get before I start my nightshift I can't even sleep. My stomach feels sick and my shoulders hurt- but I managed to fall asleep with needles in my head.. maybe it's because I don't think the hippies expect that much from me- after questioning me about my poop and staring at my tongue I guess I felt relaxed enough to sleep. I didn't get emotional- I've been warned that it may come... and I'm okay with that. I'm emotional enough as it is.. but I am trying to think of it as cleaning out your fridge- it gets messier as you fill your sink with containers of rotten food and you have to take out the shelves to wipe them down- then.. when you put it all back together.. it's clean.. white. I don't expect myself to be clean and white- there is too much rotten stuff in me to be cured in a few sessions of acupuncture- but I am really hoping for my eyes to stop hurting, my shoulders to stop aching, my stomach to stop churning- eventually... as I said, if nothing else I will be still there.. maybe even catch an extra hour of sleep. I was aware of my thoughts... and tried to synch up with the energy of the space- I had to chase out the bad thoughts more than once- a lot. I tried to repeat positive things to myself.. over and over- it was hard. It was work.. but I was still.. I might have even snored. It's funny. I cannot stand myself right now. I'm so aware of how I'm being.. of what I'm clinging to- but I can't stop. I can't let go.. and I don't know why. It's so hard. It's so lonely. I sometimes feel as if I'm outside myself looking in with pity.. what a pity.. and for someone who is so self aware (I hope) why can't I just make those changes? Am I too busy- too scared... just unaccepting of my total lack of control over this situation. Am I still grieving- or am I at the point where I'm just jealous? It's too bad Oprah quit- I wish someone could just tell me what to do- and I wish when they did- that I would take their advice instead of being a bull headed "poo pooer" and continuing to feel sorry for myself.