I Used to be a Happy Person

I don't know what my problem is... My husband and I are happy- we've been kidding and joking around- and in part it is to help me cheer the fuck up and to stop dwelling on things- but also- we seem to be back to where we started. .. Silly but with more responsibilities... and fatter. He is a wonderful man who loves me- he adores our Abby like nothing I've ever seen before- my father certainly never looked at me the way he looks at Abby. He takes everything with a grain of salt- or at least he pretends to for my sake. He rolls out of bed at 530 in the morning- rolls back in the door at 3pm in order for me to go to work.. sometimes he gets a few moments to himself to read his dorky websites- other times Abby is anxiously awaiting his arrival. He lets me go and do my thing- with working four mornings a week and at least four nights a week I don't have much time to myself to get things done- or to just be alone.. I make sure we eat at least one meal together a week- but the other night I have off- I need some time to myself- and he lets me go... he doesn't complain about himself- he sees what I need and understands and just lets me go. I try to do the same for him- sometimes I have to push him out the door to see his friends- none of whom are very "grown up" in the ways of being married or having children- or even steady jobs- but I know how isolated I feel at times, and I know he hides his feelings for me- because he doesn't want his crazy wife to go any crazier. He is amazing. I sometimes wonder if I scared him into being such a wonderful person- my expectations are high- I used to be a happy person- someone that if I were one of my friends that I would want to spend my time with- now- not so much. I'm a dweller. A pessimist. I look at myself in the mirror and I have Kramer flashbacks- you know that episode where he was a smoker- and he cowers and screams, "don't look at me.. I'm HIDEOUS!" I know I'm transparent and I know that I'm not that fun to be around. I am trying to get back there.. I'm trying to "float on" I'm attempting to posses that attitude of John K. Sampson- the "throw away my misery it never meant that much to me.. it never sent a get well card". Well.. here I am.. sitting, waiting for a card in the mail: Dear Amy- don't worry.. "even if it gets heavy, we'll all float on alright" "disassemble your despair it never took you anywhere it never once bought you a drink".... let. go. You are going to be okay... things will get better. You will heal. You will have another baby... you will get a full time job... etc etc etc. I know it seems so ridiculous to think that if I have our second child a year from now that I'll lose my close friends.. the truth is sometimes I feel that way. And this, my wanting another baby, has NOTHING to do with that.. but it has added to my anxiousness around it. I know it's silly. Saying it out loud makes me sound like an idiot.. and idiot that should hit the back space button- but I'm not going to.. not many people read this anyway ;) Those who do- I don't think would judge me for it. I am going back to acupuncture tomorrow. I liked it. Apparently I fell asleep- I didn't think I did.. but I am so exhausted it doesn't suprise me. My body now is so tense in the short hour of naptime I get before I start my nightshift I can't even sleep. My stomach feels sick and my shoulders hurt- but I managed to fall asleep with needles in my head.. maybe it's because I don't think the hippies expect that much from me- after questioning me about my poop and staring at my tongue I guess I felt relaxed enough to sleep. I didn't get emotional- I've been warned that it may come... and I'm okay with that. I'm emotional enough as it is.. but I am trying to think of it as cleaning out your fridge- it gets messier as you fill your sink with containers of rotten food and you have to take out the shelves to wipe them down- then.. when you put it all back together.. it's clean.. white. I don't expect myself to be clean and white- there is too much rotten stuff in me to be cured in a few sessions of acupuncture- but I am really hoping for my eyes to stop hurting, my shoulders to stop aching, my stomach to stop churning- eventually... as I said, if nothing else I will be still there.. maybe even catch an extra hour of sleep. I was aware of my thoughts... and tried to synch up with the energy of the space- I had to chase out the bad thoughts more than once- a lot. I tried to repeat positive things to myself.. over and over- it was hard. It was work.. but I was still.. I might have even snored. It's funny. I cannot stand myself right now. I'm so aware of how I'm being.. of what I'm clinging to- but I can't stop. I can't let go.. and I don't know why. It's so hard. It's so lonely. I sometimes feel as if I'm outside myself looking in with pity.. what a pity.. and for someone who is so self aware (I hope) why can't I just make those changes? Am I too busy- too scared... just unaccepting of my total lack of control over this situation. Am I still grieving- or am I at the point where I'm just jealous? It's too bad Oprah quit- I wish someone could just tell me what to do- and I wish when they did- that I would take their advice instead of being a bull headed "poo pooer" and continuing to feel sorry for myself.