My Get Well Card

T minus nine days and I will get to say goodbye to this year. Oh- you think I'm going to be perky right now? Ha. That shit was shortlived. I just can't take it anymore... I am struggling with something I hear all the time, "He giveth and He taketh away"- please- tell Him to stop taking from my family and friends. Please... My heart is aching for one of my best friends right now. I haven't slept much- I feel sick to my stomach (though not sick enough to stop me from eating a bowl of chips and 3 scoops of ice cream- oh and two nanaimo bars), and I'm just tight with worry. I'm at my limit for losses and heartache this year... I've reached the top- all of the rest that piles up over the next 9 days will have to park in the overflow lot- but don't you dare think you're making your way into 2010 with me. I don't understand why bad things happen to the most amazing people... I just don't get it. To make them stronger? If they are good people- aren't they strong enough already? Why fuck with a good thing really- is taunting and teasing fun?? I don't know how I will handle Abby's first heartache- I get ill just thinking of it- the first time someone calls her a name or ignores her- or heaven forbid breaks her heart... I can't handle it when it happens to my friends and family- but my own child- I think I'll lose it. I want nothing more than for the people in my life to be happy and healthy- and have what they long for (within reason- no virgin sacrificing ceremonies or anything crazy like that). I want them to feel fulfilled and satisfied.. loved and cared for... and then- I want to be a part of that... As a control freak I cannot handle it when I can't make something better- my usual cookies or flowers in a funny vase won't work this time- time.. my arch nemesis, time is back- and the only one who can fix things. Mother fucking time. Tonight when I got home- I ignored the bills and moved onto a few cards we got in the mail- I opened one with 12 simple blocks of colour- and the definition of hope written on the bottom: 1. to wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment 2. To have confidence.... hmmm. I used to. Inside are some beautifully written words- some quotations from this blog (I didn't even think anyone reads this) and some words about the future- and how things will come together for me.. for us. "never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has come together. What you have desired will finally come true and when it does you will look back at what has passed and you will ask yourself, 'how did I get through all of that?' It is the love and strength hidden deep inside your heart and soul. Stay open to the world- so you have so much to give and recieve." Driving home tonight.. I cried and cried and cried. No reason really- just the usual circumstances with a little heartache shaped cherry on top- those words- "stay open to the world" for some reason they get me.. they wrench at my heart- because I know it's true- but it is so hard... so exhausting... Thank you. Whoever you are- thank you for reading- for hearing- for doing-- something that I so needed. I want to revert back to 11 days ago- when I loved myself for those brief moments... I am going to try to cling to that feeling- those few seconds of hope-- I am going to try to focus on Abby's giggles and wiggles- on Jay's adoration of us both- and be thankful we are both alive and healthy (though in need of a stern diet... sans nanaimo bars and ice cream). I am going to grab onto the hope that my dear dear friend is carrying in her heart right now- during one of the worst times I've ever heard of- I am going to try my best to "float on"