MIrror Mirror...

... on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

Not. Me.

Giving Abby a bath tonight after a long long week, one of many long long weeks, I stared in the mirror as she repeatedly demanded I get in the "back seat" of the bath tub. I just didn't want to be cold... I sang to her and dipped her, all the things I could do from the inside, on the outside of the tub, in my warm jammies.

Anyway, as I stared I realized a few things; I'm getting older. My face shows it. I look tired, I have wrinkles and bags.. my skin looks terrible likely from major lack of sleep, bad weather and stress and anxiety... probably dehydrated too. I also realized that I look different.. other than looking older of course, I look.. sad- or wise- or both. I appreciated my reflection in that moment though, with the chatter of my 2 year old in the background. I appreciated it because of all I accomplished in the week that led me up to looking the way I look... all of the things I've been through this year and struggled with have made my eyes look deeper than they did before... I looked honest tonight.

Even though I hate my wrinkles and my untamed eyebrows I have an understanding of where they came from- the reasons for their pitiful existance... I examined my body- fuller than just post weight watchers from comfort eating due to grieving.. lack of time, and just depression. I appreciate, and loathe at the same time if that even makes sense, my stretch marks- you know the ones that held off until 35 weeks and then attacked my baby belly.. I am thankful for my hips that allowed my healthy baby girl to be born.. my smaller, much less perky, breasts for feeding her for a full year.. my arms strong enough to hold her, to carry her, to wrap around my husband and tell him I love him, and to pull him in close as we strive for another baby...

I'm grateful for my furrowed brow wrinkle- because it shows that I've been thinking, analyzing, pondering, and maybe sometimes... dreaming. I think it shows that I don't take the world with a grain of salt, though sometimes that ability would be helpful to my mental health.. My eyes let the world know I wear my heart on my sleeve- I'm obviously not that good at hiding my emotions. I wear them on my face, in my shoulders, in the tone of my voice. But that is me.. and though it's not always ideal.. it's me... and I'm proud of me.

Jay has been off work since Wednesday when he had his second, and hopefully final, surgery on the tendons in his hand. I've been working a lot as usual- having a little lady come and play with Abby in the mornings, then working at the safe house at night.. so even though he should be resting.. he has to deal with Abby- he's been doing an amazing job as usual. Tonight when I came home I just realized how l ucky I am: laundry folded, house vacuumed, baby fed, loved, nurtured, (gabbas even tucked in) Abby's bed time clothes were even laid out-- he gave her the meds I cannot touch with his gibbled paw. Over the last little while, I think I've woken up to understand that I really am a lucky lady- I've had a really terrible unlucky year, but I've been given a lot of gifts.

The acupuncture is going well- I drift off there- forcing out the crazy bad thoughts and trying to breathe in postivity, light and balance.. it is by far not "fixing" things, but I think it is bringing an alternative view to the things in my life. It could be the acupuncture- or just the movement in my lady cycle away from the dreaded red curse and into the surge of the lutenizing hormone- and the relief now that I don't have to pee on a stick for another 13 days- who am I kidding will I make it that long? I am starting, just starting, barely, to be thankful for the things I do have- and I'm mindful everyday of the smallest successes- whether or not I verbalize my recognition is another thing, but baby steps.

I know I will continue to dwell- that is me too- part of who I am... and I think I've decided that if you don't like it- then that's too bad. I know the people close to me in my life can deal with it- I hope because I give them enough in return- I can only hope that's the reason- it can be draining being a friend with a dweller- but my fakey smile is on the shelf- if I'm not feeling it, you simply won't see it. What you see is what you get- no substitutions- I'm hoping, and feeling, at least in this moment, my moment, that what you see will be slightly happier than before- baby steps...