Saturday, November 28, 2009

The Key

I am standing at this giant padlock.. shaking the shit out of it and wondering where on earth the key is- where or what is the key to "having it all" I know for a fact that I'm not the only one who doesn't have time to sit and just "sit". I may dwell on that loss more than others do- but I think in part it's because I don't have the key. I don't have the answer.. I don't have the "secret" (that weird show everyone was talking about a few years ago). A sure fire way to know that I'm depressed is when I turn down a drink- I'm no alcoholic- but I am a social drinker... I sometimes use getting boozey as a crutch in awkward (known to normal people as perfectly "normal") social situations- it loosens me up a little- my jaw so tight with stress I can barely breathe- it loosens those bones so I'm able to talk- let the jaw flap a little if you will- it helps me forget that I'm wearing a tshirt covered in this morning's oatmeal or that I haven't plucked my eyebrows since being a bridesmaid in my friends' wedding (in August). It makes me think that my little stories about Abby or work (the two main things happening in my life) are interesting to everyone else (not just me). Tonight... I turned down a drink... In part I had to drive home, so that my husband could go out with his friends- and also- because I know I'm so on the brink of something ugly- that one cold, smooth, delicious beer could loosen my jaw just enough for me to "flap away" about something ridiculous... I think one single drink would have turned me into that 17 year old girl who broke into her parents' liquor cabinet and made a nasty shit mix, drank it all, and is so drunk she starts to cry about being so drunk- because she's lost control... I am losing control.. no, correction, I've lost it over the thing that matters most to me right now- well.. not most.. but it's on the list of my top three. Tonight was awkward for me... and likely for everyone else who I talked with. I'm very open with my feelings... and it makes people uncomfortable- it drives them away from me. I have no one but myself to blame for the awkwardness. I finally did make that acupuncture appointment.. I have a good feeling about it as the woman I spoke with listened patiently to my ignorance around acupuncture- and she also calmly took in my life story in less than two minutes- I think I swore 5 or 6 times (do hippies swear?? was that bad??) and confessed all of the reasons I want to try it.. I am excited- if nothing else, if it doesn't work- it will be a time for me to lay still and do nothing- for the small fee of $20-$40. Lying still- I don't even do it at night- you know I woke up this morning drenched, DRENCHED, in sweat. I know I'm moving around, flopping back and forth.. even when I'm resting I'm not resting- I think those needles will make me lay still.. and hopefully feel something positive. Today I cried a little here and there- it was hard because I was at work.. and had to be sneaky- I worked until 12am Friday night (sat. am) and then was back at 8am Saturday morning- so I missed over 24 hours with my Abby- I missed her. I missed her even more when I found out another friend of mine is pregnant (a big congrats) but it still made me sad for some reason- and another friend of mine had her baby girl 3 weeks early (another big congrats)- but other people's happiness just made me feel worse- I don't want to be "that" person... I am right now and it fucking sucks.. of course I want my friends to be happy, more than anything.. but I just want to be happy too. I am 100% convinced something is wrong with my body- whether that is crazy or not I don't know.. I'm sure you're thinking, if you've even bothered to take the time to read one of my pity party notices, that it's crazy. It's been 2 cycles- technically only one regular cycle since the d&c... nothing is wrong this is normal.. but I am very in tune (and always have been) with my body. I know what feels normal and what feels off. Cramping all month isn't normal for me.. Extreme pain during my period isn't normal for me... the heavy bleeding.. none of that is normal.. the extreme extreme teariness- not normal.. I know this month is different then all of those non-trying months- and I know I'm worn thin from not accepting that I lost a baby and I need to move on- but I don't feel normal... Normally I'm strong- I can focus- I can laugh through anything... these days I feel weak, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I can't focus on anything- I can't remember.. I'm accepting things I shouldn't (like not finding a job that gives me benefits and sick time) and not accepting things I can't control (like losing a baby and not getting pregnant). If you are a Seinfeld fan I could coin myself, "bizzaro Amy" and you would know what I mean.. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, so to speak, but I've never not been able to shake it- or deal with it.. sure the post partum depression was a challenge, but I moved through that.. out of PPD and into life... I've been working a lot lately- and I really do enjoy my job(s)- but both of them are giving.. giving giving- which I know is what one does at a job (duH) but along with work I give to my Abby and my husband.. my little date with the POKE people is the highlight of my week next week.. that is what I'm going to give myself..

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Symptoms of Sad

Sore boobs: check Headaches: check Dizziness: check Drowsiness: check Slight cramping: check Heartache: check I tricked myself into thinking I was pregnant this month.. into thinking my charting and peeing on sticks and legs-in-the-air activities worked. I made myself believe that we were going to be able to add to our family like we've been wanting to since July. I read into the symptoms above- you know the ones that are early pregnancy signs and also the signs of an impending period... what the hell? I even thought I saw a faint faint line yesterday- which breaks my heart even more-- because if I did- I miscarried again.. this time very early, and with much less pain. My close friends knew what to say... big hugs and have my extra pee sticks.. and call me if you want to talk. They didn't tell me to relax and let it happen- because they know I can't, no matter how hard I try, and they know, from experience they wouldn't be able to either. They kept their fingers crossed all month, and now, I've given their cramped joints a break and I got my period.. I know they are disappointed and I know they feel my heartache- the ones that don't understand- that makes my heart ache... and it also makes me feel stupid... for hanging onto things I shouldn't and for just lacking the ability to fucking let go. I have been blessed with two previous pregnancies and not having to "try". It's very stressful.. it's fun for the first few days- and then, it becomes kind of a chore- especially because our time together is so very limited- I work late, Jay works early.. it is nice to be forced together though, a nice habit I'd like to keep around. I don't know what I"m going to do to relax- I might try acupuncture as a friend of mine suggested- my chest hurts- my muscles ache with tension and exhaustion and my heart and my stomach which is currently sitting in my throat are burning.. Every single time I turn around there is a pregnant lady... even at the bank while I was getting a new bank card I had to listen to this lady talk to her pregnant friend on the phone about themselves being pregnant.. at work there are pregnant women- my friends... I feel like the ugly dorky kid sitting in the corner- picked last for gym teams... it hurts. I know a lot of people can't relate to me- can't relate to how I feel. I know a lot of people think I'm pathetic- and weak- and too open... and I think those people maybe aren't a proper fit to my life right now- because these are all things I need to be- in my life, in my moment. This year has brought me so many struggles- right from the beginning until now- I feel like I haven't gotten a break- I stopped my post partum support group- and life took over- no longer post partum issues- but I wasn't prepared to deal with all the bullshit I was thrown this year... I wasn't ready.. I may still be alive and kicking- but inside I'm not.. I'm giving up.. I'm losing steam. I feel hopeless and sad, and so frustrated at the hand I've been dealt- that my family has been dealt. I am very aware that there are positives- seeing them is difficult through the fog of disappointment.. but I do have my moments to celebrate them- and be in them... sometimes it doesn't feel like enough to get me through the day though. I tried to tell myself, look at the bright side; rum and eggnog.. it's not as wonderful as a glowing little bean with a teeny heart.. and it's not going to do.. I have given up on getting any good news this year- I thought maybe this Christmas we'd have something to celebrate and get excited about- but I am saving my hope for 2010- I have so little left at this exact second I need to save it for a year that isn't cursed with the circumstances of life- wow. I am a real ray of sunshine- no wonder nobody calls me! I usually feel lighter after writing- this time I don't. I'm not unburdened... but I want to unburden my close friends- I want to seek help outside of the strong friendships I have, because I don't want them to end up like the ones I've lost.. I can't afford that either... wha wha wha.. I guess a positive is I can go through these days of the Moon without much anxiety and hopefully learn a mantra that will bring me some light, and hope, peace is a ways off- and that is my own fault.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

My Apologies

I looked down at my feet when I was peeing one day and thought, "wow, I sure have nice toes. Look at them... all painted and square. They look so pretty" Today.. with my feet in the air post-sex-baby making position I noticed.. that I really need to paint my toenails... how come I swear I looked at them two days ago and they were perfect? Where did the time go?? Another quandary for me is trying to figure out how one week of ovulation testing has felt like a year. Why has time stood still? I can't do this. I am so tense. I can feel tears welled up behind my eyes every single second of the day- waiting for something minuscule to happen so they can burst through and embarrass me. It's happened several times this week and I feel like such a child. My jaw hurts- it hurts so much it's painful to chew and I had a small panic attack questioning whether or not I should have accepted that tetanus shot they offered me when I got my eye bashed in- then I realized I'm probably grinding my teeth in my sleep- when I manage to sleep. My fingers hurt.. my back.. I think my hair even hurts. I can't remember anything. I can't manage to be on time. My eating has turned to crap- and in turn I'm over exercising.. and exhausting myself further. Classic symptoms. I just can't fail at this. I have wasted so much time and made so many stupid choices.. this is one thing I'm good at.. I'm supposed to be able to make cute babies.. why did our nothing have to stop growing? Why couldn't that one wonderful fluke of me being exactly on time for something I really wanted have progressed long enough for me to share my glory? Why is my body holding the eggs I have left hostage? I grieved my period- and I know I'm going to have to do it again- because my planning has failed.. there hasn't been a second "surge" line at all... I'm falling behind.. soon I will be lagging so far behind what I wanted I will be even more lost. I'm so angry. Some of my closest friends are expecting... I am happy for them... it hasn't been easy for them- why can they deal with it and accept the hurdles and I can't. Is it because I don't have any other notable successes in my life other than Abby? I haven't done anything- but I did make a cute amazing little girl... and yea you can go ahead and tell me to "relax and it will happen" but my first impulse is to tell you to fuck right off- in a nice way of course... but if the tables were turned I would say the exact same thing to you.. just relax.. the world owes you this.. and I would know too in my heart that any person as stubborn and hard headed as me would be telling me to eat it inside their heads. *** I need to note- if you're my friend and you have told me this- don't take this paragraph to heart- it's an instinct to want to swear away suggestions and help.. I know in my heart that when anyone close to me says that- the best intentions are met- I'm just not at the point of accepting that again, this lagging behind is my fault.. if I could relax.. maybe my body would wake up. I have given up so much. I've lost so much.. fallen behind in everything I ever belonged in. I've lost friends.. given up job opportunities, stopped my education- to have Abby- and I don't regret any of it.. because she is my perfect girl who I love with all my heart- but I don't want to fall any more behind then I already have. I want my family to grow- I want to be safely in my second trimester like I'm supposed to be. I want to share my friends' joy and excitement and not burst into tears as soon as they are out of my sight- or not even out of my sight... I want to be able to be a good friend. I want to find some peace with my body... I want to understand it. I just want to be able to keep up. I have been doing so much reading. I try my best to stop myself. I can't. I will use my ipod in bed in the middle of the night- and read about ovulation post miscarriage and d&c. I was so positive at first thinking that so many women get pregnant right away and now.. watching single surge line after surge (or non surge I guess) I have read that many women don't ovulate for a long time- I have also read that stress can make your body hold onto the eggies- maybe it's that smart and assumes if you're that stressed you're not going to be doing any babymaking- well body.. you are wrong... let them go. I don't know what on earth I can possibly do to make myself feel better. I could work less- but I can't- unless someone wants to pay our rent. I could get a massage- but I have neither the time or the money. I feel like I can't talk about it with my friends because they have either stopped returning my calls long ago and just wouldn't understand or want to understand- or they are dealing with the mysteries of pregnancy themselves- and I want them to embrace those mysteries and joys rather than have to try to rationalize my insane and childish behaviour. I could stop peeing on sticks and stop paying attention- but I can't. I feel like I've lost control over so much I want to control this- but I can't. It hurts.. I'm so angry. I'm not going to apologize for sounding like a spoiled brat in this note- that's not what my apologies are for. I know, once again that I am much better off than thousands of people.. My apologies are for crying in front of you- for looking down at the floor- for wanting to lay on the floor and throw one of Abby's famous tantrums. I can't apologize for not being myself- because the sad part is- this is me... myself. Again.. this is me in my moment.. and it is a hard moment- it is long and dragging on... it hurts my eyes and my teeth... my head and my heart are in the midst of the dispute of the century and my soul is suffering.. it's heavy with casualties and disappointment... I want to unclench. I want to say thank you for supporting me- I see you nearly every day and you don't hold my tears against me- but rather you try to reassure me and help... I quite honestly feel I would be lost without your love and support- I don't think I have anyone who understands like you do. I am a mess now- but I would be in shambles without you. Underneath my "poop face" (which is what I like to call my stressed out constant scowl) is a smile when I think of how happy I am for you- I know someday I will get there.. I hope. I'm grateful for your continuing friendship, even when I'm a psychopath- thank you for picking me up- and not leaving me behind.