My Apologies

I looked down at my feet when I was peeing one day and thought, "wow, I sure have nice toes. Look at them... all painted and square. They look so pretty" Today.. with my feet in the air post-sex-baby making position I noticed.. that I really need to paint my toenails... how come I swear I looked at them two days ago and they were perfect? Where did the time go?? Another quandary for me is trying to figure out how one week of ovulation testing has felt like a year. Why has time stood still? I can't do this. I am so tense. I can feel tears welled up behind my eyes every single second of the day- waiting for something minuscule to happen so they can burst through and embarrass me. It's happened several times this week and I feel like such a child. My jaw hurts- it hurts so much it's painful to chew and I had a small panic attack questioning whether or not I should have accepted that tetanus shot they offered me when I got my eye bashed in- then I realized I'm probably grinding my teeth in my sleep- when I manage to sleep. My fingers hurt.. my back.. I think my hair even hurts. I can't remember anything. I can't manage to be on time. My eating has turned to crap- and in turn I'm over exercising.. and exhausting myself further. Classic symptoms. I just can't fail at this. I have wasted so much time and made so many stupid choices.. this is one thing I'm good at.. I'm supposed to be able to make cute babies.. why did our nothing have to stop growing? Why couldn't that one wonderful fluke of me being exactly on time for something I really wanted have progressed long enough for me to share my glory? Why is my body holding the eggs I have left hostage? I grieved my period- and I know I'm going to have to do it again- because my planning has failed.. there hasn't been a second "surge" line at all... I'm falling behind.. soon I will be lagging so far behind what I wanted I will be even more lost. I'm so angry. Some of my closest friends are expecting... I am happy for them... it hasn't been easy for them- why can they deal with it and accept the hurdles and I can't. Is it because I don't have any other notable successes in my life other than Abby? I haven't done anything- but I did make a cute amazing little girl... and yea you can go ahead and tell me to "relax and it will happen" but my first impulse is to tell you to fuck right off- in a nice way of course... but if the tables were turned I would say the exact same thing to you.. just relax.. the world owes you this.. and I would know too in my heart that any person as stubborn and hard headed as me would be telling me to eat it inside their heads. *** I need to note- if you're my friend and you have told me this- don't take this paragraph to heart- it's an instinct to want to swear away suggestions and help.. I know in my heart that when anyone close to me says that- the best intentions are met- I'm just not at the point of accepting that again, this lagging behind is my fault.. if I could relax.. maybe my body would wake up. I have given up so much. I've lost so much.. fallen behind in everything I ever belonged in. I've lost friends.. given up job opportunities, stopped my education- to have Abby- and I don't regret any of it.. because she is my perfect girl who I love with all my heart- but I don't want to fall any more behind then I already have. I want my family to grow- I want to be safely in my second trimester like I'm supposed to be. I want to share my friends' joy and excitement and not burst into tears as soon as they are out of my sight- or not even out of my sight... I want to be able to be a good friend. I want to find some peace with my body... I want to understand it. I just want to be able to keep up. I have been doing so much reading. I try my best to stop myself. I can't. I will use my ipod in bed in the middle of the night- and read about ovulation post miscarriage and d&c. I was so positive at first thinking that so many women get pregnant right away and now.. watching single surge line after surge (or non surge I guess) I have read that many women don't ovulate for a long time- I have also read that stress can make your body hold onto the eggies- maybe it's that smart and assumes if you're that stressed you're not going to be doing any babymaking- well body.. you are wrong... let them go. I don't know what on earth I can possibly do to make myself feel better. I could work less- but I can't- unless someone wants to pay our rent. I could get a massage- but I have neither the time or the money. I feel like I can't talk about it with my friends because they have either stopped returning my calls long ago and just wouldn't understand or want to understand- or they are dealing with the mysteries of pregnancy themselves- and I want them to embrace those mysteries and joys rather than have to try to rationalize my insane and childish behaviour. I could stop peeing on sticks and stop paying attention- but I can't. I feel like I've lost control over so much I want to control this- but I can't. It hurts.. I'm so angry. I'm not going to apologize for sounding like a spoiled brat in this note- that's not what my apologies are for. I know, once again that I am much better off than thousands of people.. My apologies are for crying in front of you- for looking down at the floor- for wanting to lay on the floor and throw one of Abby's famous tantrums. I can't apologize for not being myself- because the sad part is- this is me... myself. Again.. this is me in my moment.. and it is a hard moment- it is long and dragging on... it hurts my eyes and my teeth... my head and my heart are in the midst of the dispute of the century and my soul is suffering.. it's heavy with casualties and disappointment... I want to unclench. I want to say thank you for supporting me- I see you nearly every day and you don't hold my tears against me- but rather you try to reassure me and help... I quite honestly feel I would be lost without your love and support- I don't think I have anyone who understands like you do. I am a mess now- but I would be in shambles without you. Underneath my "poop face" (which is what I like to call my stressed out constant scowl) is a smile when I think of how happy I am for you- I know someday I will get there.. I hope. I'm grateful for your continuing friendship, even when I'm a psychopath- thank you for picking me up- and not leaving me behind.