Snow Pictures

Driving home at 12:20am this morning after work.. in the pissing rain, where all the colours from the tail lights, head lights, street lights and stop lights all kind of blend in together- kind of made me think.. of a lot of weird, random things.

I remember when Jay and I first started dating- and how everything seemed so exciting.. like snow pictures for example. I was SO stoked when it snowed so we could take cheesy pictures in the snow. So silly.. and now, with the "hussle and bussle" - yes, tres cliche, of "family life" I wouldn't even think of taking photos in the snow- there simply "isn't time" and not to mention the sheer headache of trying to drive in the snow (which would be my first response now!)... But there is time- it's just a matter of letting myself feel kind of care free about one thing or another...

I did a lot today- I do a lot every day- and I'm not bragging- that's just the way I am. With the way our life is regimented and set up I don't have time to relax really- I am right now relaxing I guess.. it's dark and quiet- but I should also be sleeping- in the sheets I washed and put back on the bed by 9:00am this morning.. I constantly have this sense of urgency to "get things done" and when I have nothing to do, so-to-speak I trick myself into believing there is so much to do. Truth be told the laundry can likely wait and I don't really HAVE to make muffins- but I choose to be this busy. I have chosen, as I've written many a time before, to keep Ab out of daycare and work this crazy schedule- I choose to vacuum a million times for no reason- the Queen isn't coming over- I choose to wake up and work out every single goddamned morning because I choose to eat cookies now like I"m a 12 year old "growing boy" (I refuse to re-join WW until I have a second baby).. I choose to do all these silly minuscule things because I have friggin' ants in my pants and I just can't sit still!

Back to when Jay and I started dating..I could lay in bed all day and eat breakfast at 3pm and not worry about it- now I am in the shower no later than 8am everyday- and why? Abby won't judge me if I skip a shower and actually drink my coffee while it's warm... again, the Queen isn't coming over... I just wonder when I became so neurotic. When did I start competing with myself??

I know I have this sense of inadequacy because I have a shitty paying job (which I love and I feel, no, I know I'm good at) and I rent my shitty little 70's love den house, and my savings account is comparible to that of a 8 year old's- that is all money stuff I guess. I guess the keeping-up-with-the-Jones' sydrome is real... but why fill my day with things that don't really matter and no one gives a shit about in a pitiful attempt to feel adequate? Sometimes I don't get myself.. I can write it all out, rationalize it.. and then promptly go back to doing the exact same thing. Awesome.

Maybe I do these things so people will tell me I'm good at something. I had so much potential to do "big things" in highschool. I had straight A's (minus a B in math/calculus) and I wasn't even a social outcast (though I did sport some sweet fucking ensembles).. and then I dropped out of nursing school to pursue a career as a beerslinger for 7 years.. went back to school for "social service work" got the highest gpa in my class... and then took the first and second jobs I was offerred and got married and pregnant.. now.. doomed to be poor and struggle for the rest of our lives.. like.. it's not like I'm 21 here people.. I'm nearly 30 and 18 year old boys make more money slugging rebar than I do... and why should that matter to me?? I'm not sure.. but it does.

This is another hurdle I'm going to have to get over- it's like my Philosophy of Social Work instructor told us.. there are always going to be the "haves" and the "have nots" I guess one of my many new goals will have to be focusing on being a "have not" who focuses on what they "have" and who can actually take 5 minutes to enjoy it- and maybe take a photo in the snow again.