I am Slowly Going Crazy 123456 Switch... Saturday, February 28, 2009 at 10:47pm

No the amnesia has not kicked it. I remember. Everything. I remember the screaming.. the wailing, the near shakings, the exhaustion, the smell of my stinky armpits. The screaming. I remember it. I remember labour. I remember how out of control I felt.. Terrified. So it's not that. I haven't forgotten how hard the beginning is. Scratch that. It's just hard period. It seems easier now and I think in part because I've gotten more used to being a parent, but also because babies learn to comminucate better. Abby's little personality is developing so I usually understand what a crying fit is about.. I know what to expect at what time.. there isn't any driving around in the middle of the night in the pouring rain crying my eyes out anymore. I'm confident in myself as a Mother. The second guessing is less and less now and I let myself trust that I will only do what is best for Abby. I've adapted. Things are not perfect don't get me wrong.. but I think I did a fairly decent job at dealing with the things I have been thrown in the past while. I got over trying to "do it by myself" fairly quickly (though in hindsight not nearly quick enough) and I got the help I needed. I started to verbalize my needs and make sure they were, for the most part, met. I did the counseling, I took the drugs, I found the support, the time away and the independence I felt I had lost. I mourned my old life.. and now, I am starting to accept the new life. Acceptance is on the most difficult things we have to do in life (wise words of Jeff Hare!). It's not easy. It doesn't happen overnight.. and I think naturally as humans we tend to fight the things we need to accept the most. Maybe some sort of survival tactic. I enjoy nearly every single moment of being a Mom. I even enjoy having company while I pee.. okay not enjoy but I'm used to it. A little bean wanders in with a book and wants to sit on my lap and read while I go about my business.. that's fine.. adds a little excitement to an otherwise mundane activity.. though just a note.. I've managed to read 5 novels in the bathroom since I've had Abby.. that little green room has become my tiny sanctuary when Jay comes home from work.. I can go in and shut the door and not be bothered for at least 30 minutes..that's a few chapters at minimum!I get such joy watching Abby. I can't believe how smart she is.. the other day while I was ransacking through Jay's closet to make room for one of my many baskets.. I came across a computer mouse... I threw it into my garbage pile and Abby stared at it and the wheels were turning. She picked it up and wandered over to the computer.. put it on the desk while she tried to plub the cord in. I couldn't believe it. She likes to play with the cat water.. and one day I was yelling at her to not dip a dishtowel in the water.. she wasn't.. she was simply wiping up her mess. I love her. I want to squeeze her. I want to kiss her all over and make her giggle. I could still watch her sleep forever (okay in theory.. but when she's sleeping I'm tired too!). There are many moments in a day when I wish I could hit the pause button so I could sit and feel the pride pulse through my body and the pure love and joy fill my soul. During those moments there are no voids in life. Everything is perfect. I think back to my childhood.. playing with my sisters.. Games of cops and robbers, pretending to be newscasters, rich people and mothers to cabbage patch dolls.. with husbands in the NKOTB who were fighting in the war.. I think of mud pies and tree forts, riding bikes through mud puddles, and skating on a frozen pond down the street (no I did not grow up a boy.. I just grew up in Terrace!). I think of times when I defended my sisters and when they did the same for me. I miss them every day now. I want Abby to have that. I want her to have mud puddles and a chance to say, "I'm telling! MOM!!!!" I want her to have a sibling. I feel confident that with both her parents having close relationships with their siblings that she would enjoy a brother or sister as much as I suspect. I know she'll have her moments.. the "I hate you moments" but those are good for learning. Am I ready to go through all of that again? Am I ready for the sadness.. the exhaustion, the loss and grief? Am i ready to be out of control.. I hopefully won't be. I aim to be prepared for the next baby (whenever that happens). I plan to ween off the anti depressents long enough to be pregnant and then have my wonderful doctor hook me up to a Zoloft IV immediately after the birth. I plan to have my AMAZING momma friends be there.. because they know what it's like. I plan to ask for food and laundry service and sleep and help. In theory it all sounds okay.. but who knows what will happen. I need to take a second though and just recognize what I've been through. Hell. I have a new appreciation for anyone who has gone through a bout of depression. It's awful. I understand now why people drive their cars into lakes or lose their jobs. There is no rational when you're sad like that. But I'm here. I've been given the amazing gift of Abby and she's been given the gift of me as her Mom (though I will admit I'm chemically altered). I will take a second to stroke my ego and tell the world that I am a good Mom. I have the ability to love and nurture.. to make Abby laugh and to make her feel safe when she's scared. I can teach her-- and I let her teach me-- patience, understanding, patience ;) Being able to bring life is a gift. It is a gift not everyone has. Being able to nurture life is another gift, that again not all parents have. I sometimes feel so overwhelmed with the love I have for Abby that I'm going to explode.. maybe in part that's why there is talk of another baby (that and Jay is determind to have a boy!) but I just feel like I have enough Mom in me left to spread it around a little. Don't read me wrong. I'm tired. Always tired. I miss sleep.. I miss being able to rest when I want to rest.. and to live in a clean house.. and to stay out late with friends. I miss my friends. But I love having a family... I love watching Abby play with other babies. I love the look of joy she gets on her face when she sees another baby.. or there's someone her size she can play with. I love that she recognizes Kaeden and Violet... I just feel like at some point I'd like her to be happy to see a little brother or sister. So I wonder how crazy am I? I don't think I'm deluding myself.. though when I was gearing up to enter parenthood the first time I swore up and down I was prepared (please note NOTHING can prepare you). I think the second time I have an 80% chance of having PPD. The second time hopefully I won't be so determind to do it alone. Scratch that. I won't be. I will be determind to get help and get a grip on whatever situation I'm in. Of course I'll still cry.. but hopefully the fog that surrounds a second baby will be more exhaustion and malnutrition induced than sadness... and if not.. I'll deal with it. Hey, they way I look at it is, I'm already tired... alll the time, I wear sweatpants on my days off, and I've accepted that with a second baby will likely come the "mom" haircut.. but I have also thought that on the days I decide to have a mental breakdown and sit in the bathroom with the door closed for 30 minutes.. Abby can keep a second baby company.. maybe read him or her a book or two. See.. I've got it alll figured out. Ha!