Tradesies... Thursday, July 2, 2009 at 10:33pm

It's been far too long since I've been able to sit and show everyone the heart on my sleeve.. no time.. no energy left.. mostly no time.. you all know me, I've always got energy to talk about myself. I'm very pleased it's July.. usually when the nice weather hits I want time to stand still.. so I can enjoy my flip flops and time pulling weeds in the sun... but June was a terrible month for me... My stepdad was killed by a drunk driver on June 4, 2009.. he was on his way back from Port Alice where he was working in the mill on a 4 on 4 off rotation.. he was going home to see my Mom. I spoke with my Mom on the phone around 930 that night.. my sister was here and had taken Jay to a concert so I had to call someone to brag about a sweet slo pitch double play (ya.. I am a total loser) and she had mentioned Wes wasn't home yet- knowing Wes I told her he was likely just lollygagging, like her, he's always late... we ended our call at 10pm and he still wasn't home.. officially around 7 hours late... 36 minutes later I got a call from my Uncle- telling me Wes was in an accident and had been killed. I was home alone, with Abby in her bed, not knowing the tragedy that had just struck our family.. I sobbed and all I could repeat is, "someone has to go there, someone has to go there, she can't be alone" I hung up with Chris to call my Mom.. who was there with victim services.. unable to speak.. just sob. I packed up and left first thing in the morning.. okay.. well I caught the 10am ferry.. but i had to get up at 6am to get myself together.. when I arrived in Port Alberni.. I had no words for my Mom.. just tears and hugs- There were so many unanswered questions.. that even now are still needing answers.. the other driver survived.. at 315 in the afternoon at 120kms an hour he crossed the center line of the highway taking Wes' life instantly.. last we heard he was still in the hospital.I had to stay focused.. I had taken off work, though I make a shitty wage, the Mazzones are NOT in the financial position where I could afford to miss any of the shifts I did.. and originally I thought it would just be one or two.. but I ended up staying for 10 days.. Logic left me and I had to follow my heart and my gut and stay with my Mom... and my sisters who knew Wes so well.. I made the cremation arrangements and with a combined effort wrote the obituary and the memorial service story.. I hadn't cried at all since the first night.. I lost it every time someone came by with food to hug my grieving Momma.. but I managed most of the time to just get out of the room before a tear hit the floor.. such a desperate time.. where there is no "appropriate" behaviour.. The only thing I knew how to do was to just take charge and do what needed to be done.. which was a lot, but I wouldn't have done it any other way and this is by no means a complaint or a need for appreciation.. Wes was my family- he would have done the same for me and more... The day after the service I had to return home.. straight from the ferry I went into work.. more distractions for me.. it was good.. I missed it. I was exhausted... I feel like Abby knew her family was experiencing loss because she would not let me out of her sights for the entire 10 days.. so many people there will to watch her, but I couldn't get a break.. well.. except for my amazing 6am runs. At work I just kept on keeping on.. being back allowed me to once again reduce my stinking stupid meds.. trying desperately at what feels like the worst time to do so, to get off of them so that we can try for a mini Abby- I feel unbalanced.. and overwhelmed... my determination to complete this task is faltering and I am about to admit I still need a little bit of a crazy pill fix.. The day after we returned home I had to take Abby to an opthamologist to check for uvenitis- which is an eye disease that effects children who have arthritis.. especially young girls with variety of arthritis that Ab has.. great.. fun.. the dr was the biggest fucking bitch (pardon me) I have ever met.. a urologist for geriatrics would have had a kinder hand and more appropriate bedside manner than this woman I will not see her again. That same day Ab had to get a bunch of blood work done and I have to beg the lady at the lab to let us put our names in after waiting 45 minutes to run out and come back in 20 minutes (Ab had had her pupils dialated and we needed to just run back to the bitchy opthamologist for her to peek in them) the day was a nightmare.. then I went to work.. you might think it's funny.. to dwell on a day like this.. but I think I do because it's hard.. with Abby's arthritis we will have many more days like this. Two days later we went to Children's to the rhemetology clinic.. we see a group of amazing dr's and nurses and of course everything went fine, aside from me bashing the opthomolgist-- Abby's ankles are swollen now.. she looks kind of like she has baby pregnant legs.. poor thing.. her range of motion is still good.. but the ankles are a worriesome group of joints and Ab was prescribed the methaltrexate as well as steriod joint injections- I was warned that if we were planning on adding to our family I should not be the one to touch the medicine.. I should stay right away from it.. I should wear gloves when changing her poopy diapers.. why?? because it causes wicked birth defects.. right.. and I'm supposed to feel good about giving this to my baby?! I got the meds.. with Jay's half assed shitty extended medical.. I read and read.. and found this medication, also used for cancer patients, should not be given with any immunizations.. well Abby hasn't had her 18 month shots yet.. (yes I know I need to get on it) so I decided to wait.. and worry some more.. At the appointment for her joint injections.. the sedative didn't work.. it did at first and we had a little drunk baby on our hands.. but she wouldn't sleep.. so we had to hold her down.. I don't need to go into details about how much I cried (a lot) and how my heart was being ripped out as I watched her little mouth open wide and scream.. tears rushing down her face.. it was awful... Thankfully our little Abby is happy as a clam.. the next day she was her usual self.. I am still traumatized and don't know if I can be in the room during the next set of them (6-12months).. though how can I leave her alone to be scared with people she doesn't know.. I can't.. I wil have to be the grown up and just suck it up.. like I'm supposed to just suck everything up... I'm on a diet people.. I can't keep this up. I have so much fear about this aggresive medicating- yet I am more comfortable living in ignorance then trying to research alternative methods.. that's another thing.. there is no way we can even afford to explore naturopathic medicine.. unless we can come and live with you?? I'm glad I followed my gut with the MTX because after a group consultation of the Dr's I receieved a call confirming that we have to wait 4 weeks afer her shots for her to take the meds.. she can just continue on the naproxin like she will have to do forever until then.. I know she needs it... it's just scary.. it's terrifying. The day before Ab's joint injections I got a call from work.. Jay had fallen off a roof.. he is okay.. alive.. I went to the site to see and I shouldn't have.. it was high.. and jsut his luck he fell out the ONE place where there wasn't a second safety bar... I am thankful he is okay and just has a very sore hand and super bruised ass.. and some hefty aches and pains.. but he is in one piece.. he will be having some minor surgery to explore some tendon damage and all we can hope for is it's July now, June is over, let it be okay... he is on "light duty" at work.. and it feels so terrible to me as his wife to want him to be at work.. with this economy and Jay's lack of legal work experience we can't afford for him to get "fired" for "being late, swearing, looking funny" if he were to return to work after filing a WCB claim... the logic.. it's back.. at the wrong time and it's tearing at my heart.. but I have to think of Abby.. of our rent.. of his giant student loan bill.. of my line of credit getting higher and higher.. when it previously sat at 0. It seems like a lot of ranting now.. for stuff that really isn't that big of a deal.. but it is to me... I haven't seen or heard from old friends in a really long time.. and everyone is busy.. I feel like I have absolutely no life at all.. but I must because I'm busy and I have no time.. I have no time to chase people around and keep calling and calling and calling.. and my heart can't take it anyway.. my ego can't take it. I'm not as fun as I used to be.. because I have to go home early to get up early-- I have to worry about feeding my family and watering my garden and getting that fucking flat tire fixed.. no one is going to do it for me.. my pity party continues as I am insanely jealous of anyone who can say, "I did absolutely nothing yesterday" I wish. I wish I could do that.. now.. I lack the relaxation techniques to sit still for longer than five minutes.. I'm wound so tight my brain hurts.. I worry so much my jaw is in constant pain.. I think about everything.. every breath, every morsel of food to cross my lips- 5 lbs away from my goal and I feel so defeated.. like i can't go on- or think about one more thing- count one more point. I would love more than anything to sleep past 6am and not work out and just lay in bed with a big bag of chips.. but I can't. I have equated beauty to fit the mold of the rest of the world.. that me being thinner is better.. that I'll be happier.. I'm not.. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying... yes.. I am much healthier.. hey I can run now?! That's amazing.. I do enjoy my work outs- a temporary alone time where I can watch commercialess dvds and zone out in puddles of my own sweat.. but my exhaustion makes me short with Abby- or it could be the decreased medication.. or my moon time.. or my lonlieness.. I never know if what I'm doing is the "right" thing to do.. I had no idea at the beginning of the month in Port Alberni.. I watched everyone's grief.. and I barely participated.. is it because I'm heartless... too busy? too focused? or too afraid to let go of some of the control I'm desperatley clinging too... I don't have much control.. I do over when I wake up- sometimes when I go to bed.. and other than that-- I feel I need to work as much as I can to gain some control over our financial situation- series of events have led to its sliding- I struggle with looking for additional or alternative employment.. so I can get more bang for my buck--- or more buck for my bang I guess (don't be perverted). I love my job- but I have such a hard time accepting the system... the rates of pay and the levels of what is acceptable- I'm an overachiever- and sometimes thank you is nice- maybe I need to just find myself some more thank yous? I love my job- I would hate to leave- but better medical benefits would be nice- and seeing my husband for more than 20 minutes a week would be an added bonus- I will be watching Abby's little buddy Sadie 4 mornings a week starting next week- and I am happy about that.. Sadie is smart, she'll have Abby counting to 10 in no time- I don't want to fail and let anyone down- I don't htink I will.. I love all the babies (plus they keep each other entertained!!) I don't know the point of my rant... just a debrief maybe.. I'm down almost 30lbs.. like .2 lbs away from that or something silly- but it's been moved from my ass (well... okay it's still mostly on my ass) okay my boobs (I have nothing left) to my shoulders.. and it's been sitting there.. it's tradesied itself from my body to my soul.. and I need to practice moving it from my shoulders just- out of my life. I owe it to my family to be able to find some siliver linings.. something positive.. sometimes it just feels so hard.. and it doesn't help when your friends tell me a thunder cloud follows me around and people better not touch me or they'll have bad luck.. yea I know.. funny funny.. but if you say that at the wrong time these days I'm liable to just break down and cry.. which is what I need.. instead of wasting all your time here by wriitng a non-sequential rant I should have been doing that.. oh well.. I've wasted the time now- 6am comes early so I better get to bed.. I owe it to my little Abby to be happy tomorrow.. she is so good at pointing out the little things, like planes and tractors- and getting people to wave at her- maybe every time I look into her big blue eyes I should appreciate- and practice letting go...