Thanksgiving Tights

So this is the weekend for thanking- I've been working all weekend and will continue- which is fine- we're used to it.. and Jay is American so technically it's not really his thanksgiving. It's cool man. I had a good day at work yesterday- my shift partner is someone I love working with and we had a nice time- being on the same page professionally and ethically is really nice- and sometimes doesn't happen at my job for various reasons... anyway, along with it being a good shift.. it was sad. We talked about the current youth and the past youth in the house and how they may be doing now- are they in jail? at least one had a baby- someone died from a heroine overdose etc.. it's hard sometimes listening to their stories. Let's face it, most people's lives are less than perfect- but these are kids. It can be very heart wrenching- and at better times, heart warming. It made me think- and say out loud- that I really complain about a lot of little things compared to some people. At times of grief and despair I'm the LAST person who wants to be told, "try try again" or "think about how much worse it can be" because as I've said before- these are my moments in my life- and sometimes the mountain I've created for myself never really had a chance of being a molehill- it's all relative right? I am lucky. This has been a terrible year for my family. Awful. I'm so ready to be done and move on. I don't even feel like I want to dwell on it, or grieve it any longer. Bring on 2010- which I'm no idiot, I know it will have its own issues but I hope for my family's sake (and for the sake of me not having to move into a mental institution) that it is less tragic. But I'm lucky because I have a wonderful family who loves me- they would love me in Riverside or in a beach house- no matter what I do or say they'll love me. I'm lucky because I'm able to realize how absolutely amazing Abby is. People who don't understand the sadness over a miscarriage- when "it's just a sac" don't understand because they don't have an Abby in their life.. she started off like that.. a little eggy and spermy, a yolk, a sac, a little bean... and now.. she is this wonderful little girl who I hope I never ever take for granted. With her arthritis she takes all these medicines, again, some babies have it much worse and I should be grateful- but in my moment it is very hard to accept that this is something she is going to have to deal with as a child and young adult- but she is a trooper- she knows the deal- the routine... She doesn't stop running or climbing or trying... sure sometimes she needs up for a few minutes, but then her drive and desire to run and learn and play with her buddies takes over and she powers through. I'm so thankful for her resilience. She's learning so much I'm amazed. Every day I'm in total awe of things she does, or says, (ie: "oh shit" when she drops something- thank you Granny for that). I'm impressed by her potty farts and ability to follow direction so perfectly now- "put your binky in your cribby- you're a big girl" or "Ab can you bring me the firetruck book". I love how she answers the phone and talks to her Daddy (for pretend) when he's at work. I love how she hugs me so tight- but it's never for long enough... I miss her when I'm at work.. and try not to talk obsessively about her and her amazing skillset :) I have a hard time not picking her up for a sleepy cuddle when I get home.. I sometimes tell her I love her so much I want to squish her face- you know that feeling you get with kittens when they are SO cute you want to smoosh them?- wait am I a psycho?? I crave my time, my space- but when I get it.. I miss her. I started to write this while I watched Abby attempt to put on tights by herself- she's given up since then.. but it was pretty funny. She is like me in a lot of ways- fiercely independent and reluctant (tantrumatic!!) to accept assistance- she will never turn down love though- she is a snuggly little beast who makes my heart beat...