Forget-me-Nots... Thursday, February 21, 2008 at 9:48pm

I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blind but now I see.Yea right... not yet anyhow.. still some travels to be had I guess.. Time is FLYING by.. seriously. Abby is going to be three months old in 2 days.. how crazy is that? My little bean weighs in at 9lbs15ozs now.. and there's nothing wrong with her, thanks for asking you crazy nosey old broads that seem to be everywhere.. she's just little.. just because her Momma is a whale of a good time doesn't mean she has to be. I think next time someone asks me that I'm going to say I don't feed her much because I'm too lazy to carry around a 20lber. Fuck off and die while you're at it.So.. I've been keeping busy.. I think it's important. I've been going to a post natal fitness class twice a week.. it's pretty good... the moms there are all out of my league planning 10 day long trips to Hawaii with their babes and hubs... whatever.. I'm just trying to lose this weight not make friends.. though I think I may have made a few Mommy friends at the Mom/Baby group we go to.. we'll see. I mostly go to get out of the house, being stuck in here all the time is a touch confining. For now Abby is very portable and on most days very happy to get out.. she sometimes sleeps the entire outing and others she's very alert taking in the world...So at the Mom group something struck me.. a lady was talking about breastfeeding.. she had blisters (OUCH!) on her nips and her babe was about 6 weeks old.. one of the MOms tried to comfort her by telling her that after 6 weeks breastfeeding gets easier.. the other Mommies agreed.. I could not remember... I could not remember 7 weeks ago. I freaked out. I almost started to cry right there.. how could I forget what it was like for me? I had nothing to offer.. no story to share.. it seems so muddled... 7 weeks? C'mon. There are many times during the day I stop, look at Abby and fight the little tears that try to escape.. I pray to who ever to not let me forget.. I will do anything to not forget what this has all been like for me. This experience, like nothing else in the world.. I feel like it's dissapearing or something.. but I'm in it?? I don't get it. She is here.. this little wonderful being who has changed my life so IMMENSELY.. how could I forget anything? It doesn't seem fair. So much is happening in her little world.. she can hold her head up now... she's discovered her little hands and can't keep thoses babies outta her mouth, she smiles when she hears my voice, she is working on her giggles...I don't wanna forget all of these firsts. Pepole probably think I'm nuts with the millions if pictures but they're only evidence of my biggest fear.To all the people who said, "I told you it goes by so fast" you can stop now, you're not helping.I hold my bunny while she falls asleep, I believe it comforts us both. While she rests in my arms I wonder what she's dreaming about... I wonder if she thinks I'm funny.. I wonder what she will be when she grows up... I also cry when I get those quiet moments to soak it all in.. those moments I don't have to share but I can keep all to myself and just hope that my heart won't forget... and that life will stay calm enough to not let those opportunites slip away. Of course I wonder how could I have helped to create the most beautiful person this earth has ever seen.. and then I wonder when I turned into such a ball of mush.. maybe that first ultrasound at nine weeks when I saw her teeny beating heart.I never wanted to be a stay at home Mom but now it breaks me when I have to think about leaving her... it hurts my lil soul. Many days I still have nothing left to offer Jay or anyone, I've spent it all on Abby. Don't get me wrong I can have many a conversation about things other than my babe... leaving her is a touch difficult and I feel like my friends understand for the most part..though secretly I don't think anyone can know how i feel.. not even other Mommas... it's weird.. thinking that way has disconnected me slightly and i need to shake it off.. and I will... I have to end this.. I'm trailing anyway... and I'm typing with one hand... and mny beanie needs her bath... and my wendy whiner tears need to be dried.. I need to go find some forget-me-nots and take some more photos to help ease my fears... and I need to change out of my new uniform of spit up covered clothes that i actually love so much.