A Carrier of Empty... Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at 12:31am

There are many reasons I hate statistics. They are annoying.. difficult to calculate, and different depending on which way you choose to look at them.This weekend I became a statistic I have dreaded for a long time. A number I wouldn't wish on anyone.. I have become part of the 30% of women who will lose a baby... of course depending on the article or the type of misscarriage that number could be higher or lower, or depending on which fuck face piece of crap no bedside manner radiologist you speak with it could also vary. This weekend we all piled into the car for a nice Saturday outing to see the new baby. I was supposed to be 10 weeks on the dot... due April 10/2010.. how exciting.. how wonderful.. how amazing.. how lovely..At my first pre-natal visit at 7 weeks I expresed to my dr. my concern about getting pregnant the first month I was off the pill.. she assured me there are many viable pregnancies this way but could not of course, guarentee that nothing would go wrong.. but she was trying to reassure me. I was nervous.. she is amazing so she decided to send me for an early u/s to calm my nerves and let me get a little peek at the tiny perfect beating heart and teeny hands and feet... When I got into the little room- with Jay and Abby waiting in the waiting area with the bitchy receptionists.. the tech told me right away that I wasn't 10 weeks. No. How could that be? My body is like a clock.. of course I was 10 weeks.. she asked me to empty my bladder half way (those of you who have had to do this undertand how fucking painful it is to only pee a teeny bit when your bladder is bursting) try doing that when you can't breathe because you're in a total panic. Back in the room I hear the tick, click of measurements... and then she tells me she doesn't see much.. but she does see what could be a yolk sac. Tears fell from my eyes.. she tried to tell me that maybe I just ovulated late.. umm 5 weeks (what a baby is at 5 weeks is a yolk sac) is an awful big difference.. I moaned and cried.. I knew... there was no hope.She had to do a trans-vaginal u/s to confirm there was "no viable fetus". Shudder... tears tears tears.. She saw nothing... just a sac that stopped growing at 8 weeks.. with nothing inside it. I am as it turns out, currently, a carrier of nothing... My dreams, my baby names.. my thoughts of nursing and snuggling and loving.. were all a nothing. Finally Jay was allowed into the room- after she told me I was young and could easily just try again.. umm.. thanks? I had to tell him there was no baby.. it was awful. I couldn't stop crying.. even though from the very start, part of me knew, but the other part, the bigger part tried to convince me I was being, as usual, pessimistic and I just needed to accept that good things can happen to me.. We met with a radiologist who simply stated that 30% of pregnancies end this way and that there is bleeding around my uterus so it looks like my body will expel it soon. "how long?" he doesn't know, "will it hurt?" not sure how much.. there. Simple as that.. he waited for us to get up and leave. And I walked out of the u/s place as fast as I could with no pride.. just snot and tears running down my face.So I am waiting to miscarry. Miscarry my nothing. Expel my little hope and dreams of cuddles and love. I cannot go and see my dr. til Weds. There likely isn't much to do anyway... just wait.. but so far there is no movement.. just a lot of cramping that I thought was my uterus stretching to make way for the bean. I looked it up online, since i was given no clue as to why this happens.. and it seems as though it might be what is called a bilghted ovum.. I'm not a dr. so I'm not sure.. medically diagnosing yourself isn't usually the best idea.. but hey.. since I can't leave the house for too long I've got time.. what happens is nearly right away the baby (embryo/zygote whatever) stops developing.. due to a poor quality sperm or egg.. or because the zygote divided funny to make some weird chromosonal abnormalities- so basically my body was saving me the sadness of a baby that wouldn't have been healthy- but.. much like revenue canada... one person doesn't talk to the other so no one knows your full fucking story even though you've told them 12 times, the other half of my body missed what should have miscarried and continued to act as if it was housing a baby.. until 2 weeks ago when it finally clued it.. and now, for some strange reason I'm being tortured.. because my body doesn't want to let it go... so I'm waiting. I want to get this overwith.I have closed myself off from most of my friends.. not because I don't think they love me or are sad for me or wanted the best for me.. but because no matter what the intention is... it's really really hard to say the right thing right now. So far I have heard, "you can try again" a million times. Yes. we can.. but that's not the point, I'm dealing with a loss here... and you know I know in my heart people don't say that because they are insensitive.. trying to be encouraging and reassuring that we will have another baby is anything but.. but it's so hard to just accept it.. at least right now.. with the nothing inside me. My neighbourhood milfies have been very good to me. I think over the past--- nearly 2 years, we've grown very close- hey I let them in my messy house, that's a big step... I know everyone who knows is thinking of us.. and sending us your thoughts.. and i wanted to say thank you for just letting me have my space and letting me send text messages or emails over answering the phone.. it's not because I don't need or appreciate the support.. I'm just in a position that I never imagined being in.. well let's face it.. I've imagined it.. but it's been one of my worst nightmares. My friend Sarah left me a beautiful message all teary and sad.. but she told me "not to cry alone" and every time I re-live that message in my mind I cry... I guess by writing this I'm not crying alone (also because I snotted on her shirt).. and plus, I'm shameless and these notes are like free therapy... no one has to say anything... it's just off my chest.. I don't know if its been read or not.. but I'm freed of a little more of my sorrow and sadness... in an email from Amy she wrote, "think of it this way: be kind to your body while you wait. don't feel angry or betrayed by yourself. in a way you are still doing your job as a woman by letting the process end in a peaceful way. it will come very soon. i know you wanted to be pregnant. that is the hardest part that i think people don't understand --- you get attached to the dream...the due date, the time of year, you start thinking about the age differences between the two and about possible names. so when that is over it feels really sad. it is so hard especially since people don't get that. but it will fade with time. but you have the mourn the end of that little dream." The little notes and the "I love yous" and "I'm thinking of you" I think have gotten me through the day.. so I want to thank everyone for that.. it's been very hard. Seeing my husband cry tore my heart out.. I am trying to be strong for him and funny and normal.. but it's a challenge. We will try again. When we found out I was so full of surprise.. and joy, excitement, fear.. and instant love. Life is so fragile.. even before it begins. I wonder since I'm sharing my grief with everyone if I should just share my joy as soon as I know next time- or, is that a jinx like part of me believes.. a lesson to not be so confident and smug- a lesson to remind me that at any moment that teeny heart can stop beating- or not even begin to beat. I guess time will tell... but I want to work on being more positive. So... for now I wait. Never in my life have I wanted to see blood more than I do now. I want the nothing out... I want my body back. I want to grieve and get it over with, so in a while we can make a something. Thanks for listening.