Find a Friend..

... Let's find a friend.. I'm gonna find a friend and pla-ay. Be my friend!! Oh Gabba- Yo Gabba Gabba you bring so much wisdom and hope into my life.. and not just because you're cute.. you're smart too. Muno's little song always gets me thinking about my wonderful new (and reconnected) old friends. I write a lot about grieving and loss.. and not enough about gaining and acquiring new things an people into my life.. After Abby was born I waited around a lot for people to come visit me or call me- and at first, sure, teeny babies are cute.. they are fun to hold because they snuggle and fall asleep and are all smooshy and wonderful, but as they get older, and teethe and cry and whine, they're less cute.. and like kittens, the novelty for non-kid owners wears off... I was hurt at first, but like my life, I need to realize that the lives of my friends' go on as well. I started taking Abby to a Mom and Baby group just up the street.. it was nice to get out and see other teeny babies and tired mommas.. and it wasn't long before the fear wore off and I was able to make some amazing connections. Two of my closests friends came out of that group- they live close to me, our tots are the same age.. and we all enjoy beer... I talk to those friends daily and share pretty much everything with them whether they like it or not- they have no choice now! I care about them deeply- they have both been with me through some very sad times- I know they feel my sorrow and my joy as I feel the same for them.. and I'm happy they are still around because I do have a tendancy to not only spontaneously burst into tears, but I can get pretttty cranky- I know. Weird hey? I've met other Mommas through old friends who mentioned that so-and-so had a baby and that snowballed on as well... and at first things felt very superficial- no.. not superficial.. but like I had to hide certain things.. that lifted and things progressed and moved to a deeper level- past diapers and naps and into husbands and yeast infections.. I am so grateful for that... sounds funny- but during the post partum depression I lost so much of myself.. like that yelly Bronx song, "I've tried so hard just to be myself, but I've erased everything I was" *notice of eviction* that's how I felt.. and sometimes still feel.. but all of these mommas have changed my life- helped me over hurdles- and some barely knew me- some still barely know me- but I feel bonded to them, and so thankful for their support. There were all of the women in my post partum support group- who never questioned me, or doubted me, or judged me... only listened and encouraged and supported me.. those fine women changed my life- I owe them so much. I am happy to be able to start to reconnect with them now- though I need more time. MORE TIME DAMMIT! Then.. my baseball team(s). I joined on a whim and I am so happy I did.. I played competitively all through school (yes I did Rockers/OutKasts maybe not so much now- but I did). My teammates didn't really know me from Eve (I can say Eve cuz I'm a girl right?) and I think that worked out just peachy for me.. it was nice to go in fresh.. and meet people without any expectations of me- this year I'm having a hard time admitting to myself that the fall ball season is nearly over- I will miss my diet beers and laughing in the cold at some ridiculous play or laaaaaame joke. I will miss the teamwork (as cheesy as that sounds) and I will miss being something outside of just a Momma. Throughout all my "note" writing on Facebook I've gotten comments and replies from people I haven't talked to in years- and for that I'm so thankful. I'm thankful for them to have the courage to write something to someone who could be a complete stranger by now- but I guess only part of me is a stranger- because their (your) comments and thoughts have made me feel re-connected in a way- you know, my old highschool friends write more than some of the people I'm supposed to be closest to today- and at times that stings, not because it's unappreciated, but because I wonder if my old friends have a better reason to stay connected to me than my newer friends- who I miss and care for so much- but I am in the process of accepting the life differences now- and that it's nobody's fault- it's just life.. and the paths and journeys we choose- and hopefully our paths will re-cross one another's very soon... I just love that feeling of being able to pick up where you left off- whether it is with what happened with the pee sticks, or how you've been since you've left the group- or what has been going on since grade 12- or how hungover were you after that fundraiser- or how are your woman parts feeling... that feeling of not missing a beat is what I crave- and I think if I just look for it more, and focus on that, I will get what I'm looking for.. instead of doing the opposite.. I've found my friends.. I've found my friends.. now I'm gonna get to play... you have to be a Gabba fan to know the tune. It's a real musical masterpiece- and a life lesson all in one.