Auto Pilot Off... Saturday, November 15, 2008 at 9:36pm

I have been a Mom for nearly a year. T-minus 7 days and it will be official. Abby will be 1. That teeny little blob I saw at an ultrasound at 9 weeks.. is now nearly 17 pounds and full of energy and adventure. That ultrasound was terrifying, we thought she was gone due to spotting.. I cried with relief when we saw that teeny speedy litlte heartbeat, strong as a herd of horses. Ha.. just watching her these days.. I can see a resemblence in my beautiful little girl to that teeny blob. She is daring and fearless, strong and beautiful... I am back at work, well kinda. Back part time with two set shifts a week and working my way up the relief list begging for more shifts.. A full time position opened up, and I couldn't bring myself to apply. Not because I didn't think I would get it, or because I don't want to work that much, I love my job... I love the program and it's mandate and philosophies, the staff, the youth.. pretty much everything but I guess.. I'm just not ready. I worked nearly 60 hours a week before I had Abby.. two jobs with youth.. and I enjoy being busy, out and about in the world... but believe it or not.. after working two days it takes me two more to recover from the extra work! I feel like such a wussy.. how do Mommies do it I wonder??! We have made the decision to continue being the "working poor" so one of us and be with Abby.. and that's just a personal choice.. I think child care is wonderful if 1. you can FIND it. and 2. if you can AFFORD it... but we're not ready to let her go just yet. We realize how lucky other new parents are to have family around to count on.. even just for an hour or two so we could catch a movie.. it's crazy.. every single move is a production. This year has been quite the journey for me.. the beginning of a journey I should say.. fuck. Rocky roads, seized transmission, turbulance, wrong side of the tracks, not on the yellow brick road, back allies, underground tunnels, secluded forrests, and six lane highways.. it's been rough.. let's put it that way.. and I haven't hidden that at all.. some may say to a fault.. I've been honest to a fault.. but I really don't give a shit.. I don't have a single drop of energy left to hide it... I would have to think too hard of excuses... and I'd rather just sleep.. anyway, through my journey there has been a lot of bad weather and storms.. all different kinds.. but also.. teeny moments of rainbows and sunshine.. and I try desperately to cling to those moments.. remembering my old self and the ability I had to smile at almost anything, to make light of almost any situation.. I remember.. 30 seconds seems forever and my body can relax for a moment.. I get elated, almost high.. and then.. I take a step back into my gloom :( Those 30 seconds though have been getting longer these days.. I have accepted that I'm going to lose some friends.. or maybe not lose them, but see them less.. have less to talk about because believe it or not, not everyone wants to hear about poop and baby food... weird isn't it?? My relationships have changed.. I have accepted most.. some I still struggle with. Some have changed for the better.. my Dad for example, proudly stops in every week or so to see his second grand daughter.. I feel for once, he might actually be proud of me, he even told me I was a good Mom.. huge compliment coming from my father, as those of you who have met him know.. I am closer to my Mom.. call her every second day or so.. just to let her listen to Abby.. oooh little tears now.. it kills me not to have my Mom here... and my sisters. I think I understand now, watching Abby learn things, her first steps and baby signs.. I understand now more than ever my role as a Mother.. it's not just the basic things I felt it was in auto pilot mode through post partum depression.. it is to love, and nurture, encourage and teach... it is to be proud.. and these past few days I think I understand that pride a parent gets when they see their child.. you might think that's silly.. it's taken me a whole year to feel proud, and that's not the case... I think the fog is lifting slightly, for now anyway, and I can actually feel myself feeling happy things.. I spent a lot of Abby's first year wanting time to stand still.. so I could feel better and remember everything as peachy and rosey.. and now I really look forward to my future with her. Watching her.. God I could watch her all day. Watch her sleep, and strategize... her expression when she eats.. or how excited she gets when I yell, "yaaaaaaaayyyy!" to her few baby steps.. I could go on forever... I could watch her forever. Self care has saved me. Nights away with old friends.. or new ones have saved me. Being independent from Jay and Abby during those times has allowed me to find a bit of myself I lost.. each time I gained a bit of confidence back and snatched a bit more of my sense of humour. I will continue these alone time nights because I think it's something I need... I've gone from being fiercly independent for 28 years.. to depending on someone for help every day (some days I tell ya.. I certainly didn't get it.. but for the most part I do!) I struggled with losing the power of my independence and my away time allows me to feel a tinch of independence again.. and I love it...I look forward to work.. when I leave Monday nights I'm sad that unless someone gets sick I won't be back until Sunday morning.. I am happy to have just slipped back in without too much trauma (minus my car breaking down on my first day back.. on my way INTO work!) I can still problem solve and make rational decisions.. my skills are still there.. dusted off now. My ears are open to listen objectively and offer advice and referrals.. I feel like I am good at my job... and that feels really good... I look forward to leaving to go to work each day.. and I look forward to coming home.. to my little Abby.. who has usually learned something new in the 8 or 9 hours I've been away.. which on one hand breaks my heart to have missed it, and on the other I want to be somewhat generous and let Jay enjoy some of those firsts.. as he's been working hard too (with a lot of nagging.. errrr I mean coaching from his nasty wife!). I know Abby's actual birthday will be hard for me.. for one.. I'll be at work.. and for another.. I'm a sap.. for memories.. and those first weeks.. months.. were so foggy I have a feeling the guilt of that will visit me.. and since I am a sap.. I'll likely entertain it.. I just hope it's not some kind of after hours straggler I have to fight with to leave! I think too, I need to take comfort in not regretting things but rather learning from them. I believe regret is a wasted emotion, or I used to anyway, and I know I wouldn't change a single thing about Abby, though I did regret not being able to handle my emotions those first months, but what's the point of that? I can't change it now. I will look at it as that is just who I am... a lady who has always worn her heart on her sleeve, I am raw with emotion, I always have been... and I don't think that's all bad. I love Abby with all of my heart and soul, all of the pieces of them that I have... and as I gather more pieces on my journey, I will love her with those as well.