Give Peace a Chance

Whew. I give ALL the credit in the world to "full time Moms"... okay, let's re-phrase, every mom is a full time mom- maybe stay-at-home-moms is a better label.. if we can call it that.. okay, job title then. Happy? Phew. I have been up with tantrum 2sey all day. Every single thing I did today was wrong... or at least Abby made me feel that way as she had a tantrum every single time I took a breath. I am doing my best to ignore them.. but there were a few doosies that dragged on and on and on and on! I would like this phase to pass.. PHASE. yes.. this is just a phase.. I repeat, just a phase.. at least that's my mantra these days. I realize how much I rely on getting out of the house to keep me sane. All we did, due to rain, was walk to the safeway a block away and I feel very tempted to blow my brains out tonight. I usually get a break- okay, I did have a nap, but from working nights and getting up early mornings I'm slightly sleep deprived.. but usually Jay will come home and take over and I can sneak away for an hour and go by deoderant by myself- or I go to work. Work is work and it's also very exhausting.. but I can pee alone and the theme song to Gabba isn't playing in the background (we have different background music there... teeeeeeeenagers!). I guess what I am trying to say is, it takes a lot to be constantly on with your kids... I used to get offended when people asked me when they see me during the day with Abby, "oh so you don't work??" umm. yes I do. At night.. when people sleep! But now.. I should take that as a compliment and simply reply with, "do I look that crazy to stay home 24 hours a day??" and I mean that in the nicest way! I am developing a respect for people with enough patience to do that.. I don't have it.. I can have it with children and the young people I work with.. but I don't have enough patience with myself. So brava ladies (and bravo to the dads who stay home). You're amazing. The other side to it though is managing your time.. when you have to work in the home.. and then work in the professional work place. There is no time. I was talking to a friend of mine at work who has a three year old.. and I felt so validated in the fact that I do all my phone talking on the drive to work.. because the friends that still talk to me that do not have children don't have the patience to talk to me on the phone when Abby is around. I will admit that constant direction, redirection, "don't do thats", "please stops" and "did you poops" can be annoying.. but I haven't talked to SO many people on the phone because first of all I never hear from anyone unless they are trying to sell me sometimg, or.. when I do have a moment.. I have a cute little Abby at my feet pitching a fit about the sky being blue. I miss time. I miss being able to be lazy and sleep in and rest.. and not showering til noon. I get so frustrated that there aren't close to enough hours in the day to do half the things I wanted to do. And I know what you're secretly thinking, "GET OFF FACEBOOK WOMAN!" but really, that is all the socializing (outside my Momma friends and work) that I get. I miss having a night off to do something with someone- most nights I get to sneak away for an hour I feel awful because I've been working every night I never see Jay... we have managed to do some famiy stuff which has been really nice in the mornings before i work on the weekends.. but again.. we have to get up at the crack of dawn to get out so we can hurry back before lunch and nap! I feel like the next paragraph should just say, "whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine" Living like this is exhausting. What is expected from mothers these days is absolutely insane.. I wonder if that's why women in the 50's drank? Society expects me to clean the house, raise the babe, clean the house, do the groceries, clean the house, do laundry, cook dinner, pay the bills etc etc etc.. and then go to work.. oh.. and I should look amazing while I do it all.. heaven forbid I weigh an extra 10lbs or not wash my hair for a day. No wonder I'm anxiety ridden and depressed all the time! My statement about making peace with making peace- isn't about the loss of our baby- though that.. really chaps my ass still and I've been feeling really really sad about it lately- I think because a lot of ladies in my life are coming out with their due dates and they are mere weeks away from when mine was- and also I live in fear of getting my period because I'm so weepy lately and basically ate half a chocolate cake I made today with the girls- god when the period shows up I'm going to be fucked.. okay but I'm digressing.. the piece about making peace with making peace is.. I need to lift this burden off of myself that I'm blaming on society, (but we all know 80% of it is me) and just fucking run it over with my car (that needs an oil change but we have no time to take it in). I need to make peace with my lost friends and relationships, make pecae with my messy house (which I vacuumed twice today and swept four fucking times- no wonder I'm tired), make peace with the fact that laundry may not get folded before we wear it again, make peace with the fact that sometimes we will eat frozen pizza because I'm too tired to cook and/or grocery shop, and make peace with the fact that I'm nearly 30 years old and I'm never going to look as good as the world expects me to. There are more things to make peace with.. but they're not as funny.. and I'm tired.. and I'm going to take my break now and go to sleep.