Let's Talk Punctuation... Tuesday October 7th, 2009 at 10:23pm

Boys may want to avoid this one.Every time I think about getting my period I think of that one episode of "The Cosby Show" where Rudy gets her period for the first time in the middle of English class where they are learning about punctuation. It killed me..I laughed and laughed.. man.. those Huxtables were hilarious... but seriously.. the period... it really causes a lot of emotions.. a women's "issue" so day to day that has it's own "sanitary industry" isn't just that. From the pre-puberty years I can remember really wanting to get it. I wanted so badly to grow up.. and my Mom kept telling me.. once I get it I won't want it.. I couldn't believe she could say such a thing about being a woman.. you got to buy pads and tampons (and try and figure out how to work and tampon) and you must look different once it comes.. and you have to be careful about swimming in shark infested waters when you have it because you can get eaten alive.. it means you are grown up enough to have a baby. hahaha.. yea right. Anyway, of course she was right.. because being one of the "last ones" to get it in my peer group I awaited it anxiously... then.. it became annoying.. baseball tournaments were more of a hassle and I began to question whether or not it was safe to swim- or whether or not you could "tell" when I had it.. man.. by my fourth cycle I'd really had enough of it.. Then come those times as a young adult (sorry Mom and Dad... Jay too) when you wait for it.. if it's an hour late you start to panic.. if you don't feel bitchy or miserable you wonder what's wrong.. there is no way I could have been someone's mother at age 18 (a lot of women can, I could not have!) Checking every 10 minutes while fielding off phone calls from boyfriends who actually want you to use the excuse that "you're on your period" for once.. now, I'm speaking generally for the female population.. I was not, am not, an idiot.. I know how babies are made- but there have been a few times where I questioned the antibiotics I took while on the pill... I'm just writing about the dramatic difference in the way of thinking of the period.... While we speak of boys- only having to deal with the odd spontaneous boner- they deserve to suffer through the excuse of "I have my period", or "I'm bloated" or "if you breathe like that one more time I swear to god I will spear your eyeballs out with this fork"... I don't think the majority of boys don't really understand the burden- and the miracle of the period... I am lucky that at least my husband is very patient with my temporary- or not so temporary- insanity... believe me boys- it is real.. very real.. it has a tendancy to seriously torture most ladies.. it's not easy.. When trying to have a baby- a period is at first the best thing ever- you wait for it..so you can start counting the days... day one being the first day of what you hope will be that "miracle". You count.. and wait.. and you husband waits.. counting.. waiting for the crazy baby making sex party- well you know.. those times when you start to surge, twice on the day you surge and they every day thereafter- or right before the surge.. he counts on you not remembering so he can just do it! Then after the crazy 30 minutes of combined babymaking.. you wait... and you hope and pray and cross your everythings that that damn period will not show its face... You want "aunt flow" to stay home and the "red tide" to just ruin oyster season- not your picture perfect life- you keep counting.. 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25- you're cranky. Fuck it's coming, 26- great you are harbouring a small village of zits on your forehead, it's getting closer, 27, you look like you desperately need to fart because you're so bloated- 28, you ate chocolate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner... 29- wait.. nothing.. 30.. still nothing... 31.. so tired.. and if you're patient- that's when you do your pregnancy test.. and there they are.. two super perfect little pink lines... The hatred of that period continues and you spend the next 9 months hoping like anything that it, or something similar doesn't show its face.. you learn to identify brands and plys of toilet paper because you have to check every time you pee... once you get over your nerves you, and your partner are able to enjoy the flow free 9 month ride! And then it happens again.. you wait for it.. after the baby comes.. you're back to being a teenager- wondering when it will show up- when will your body be back to normal- and then however many months post partum, you realize.. your period, your body are no longer their old "normal" they're weird and different and still figuring things out.. by the first cycle this time.. you're tired of it again! I cannot speak for the time when it dissapears from a woman's life- but I imagine for some it is a time where you start to feel like you're losing yourself.. no longer a woman who can bear children- a woman who can no longer use the excuse that you "are on your period" I imagine it being kind of sad at first.. a realization that you're out of eggs, out of business... Then.. I imagine that once the drama and trauma and mystery behind its dissapearance fades.. a woman can begin to enjoy swimming in hawaii without wondering if she'll lose a foot to a hammerhead- that is if the hot flashes stop long enough to get out of the A/C filled hotel room ;)I have been thinking a lot about this lately- for obvious reasons.. I think I will try to find that episode of "The Cosby Show" while I wait for mine to show up... tmi?? Deal with it.

Sitting in the boardroom The I'm-so-bored room Listening to the suitsTalk about their world They can make straight lines Out of almost anything Except for the line of my upper lip when it curls Dressed in my best greasy skin and squinty eyes I'm the only part of summer hereThat made it inside In the air-conditioned building Decorated with coporate flair I wonderCan these boys smell me bleeding Though my underwear There's men wearing the blood Of the women they love There's white wearing the blood of the brown But every woman learns to bleed from the moon And we bleed to renew life Every time it's cut down I got my vertebrae all stacked up As high as they go but I still feel myself sliding From the earth that I know So I excuse myself and leave the room Say my period came early But it's not a minute too soon I go and find the only other woman on the floor Is the secretary sitting at the desk by the door I ask her if she's got a tampon I could use She says Oh honey, what a hassle for you Sure I doYou know I do I sayIt ain't no hassle, no, it ain't no mess Right now it's the only power That I possess These businessmen got the money They got the instruments of death But I can make life I can make breath Sitting in the boardroom The I'm-so-bored room Listening to the suits talk about their world I didn't really have much to say The whole time I was there So I just left a big brown bloodstain On their white chair. Ani Difranco