Secret Club... Saturday, December 15, 2007

Three weeks ago I became a parent… a Mom… it's crazy how time flies.. and at the same time it feels like it's been three months.. most likely because I haven't slept. ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> When I saw Abby's first little sprig of hair… I was thrilled.. hours later when she was finally placed on my chest I knew I would never ever feel that way again.. there isn't a feeling in the world that can top that moment… my daughter… with her teeny little feet with monkey toes, her long fingers, little nose, soft skin and a face with a million expressions. I was instantly in love with her.. hours later though, I was at a loss with myself. When my epidural wore off and all of our visitors had gone.. Jay was sleeping on his mattress on the floor.. Abby in her little bin by the bed.. I just started to cry… this emptiness washed over my body… my belly once full of life, looked like stretch mark streaked bread dough, lifeless and mushy.. I didn't feel any kicks anymore, no squirms or hiccups… I tried to remind myself that she was right beside me, now breathing the same air as me, eyes now able to see me (well soon enough anyway) fingers able to wrap around mine.. I still felt a little sad. Nurses came in every few hours to check in, and each time I had to fight tears, no actually I didn't.. I just let them fall. I couldn't explain it.. I had what I had always wanted.. a little daughter, and a supportive husband who loved me with his whole heart… what on earth was happening? Why was this vast sadness standing in my way of feeling everything I had ever dreamed of?? Nurses explained it was the hormones.. my visiting home nurse has called me 6 or 7 times to check in on me.. she was away and asked her colleague to call me.. Wendy was her name. Wendy, saved my life… She took the words from my teary mouth and gave them meaning.. all of my feelings were validated in minutes. She explained to me that I'd be riding pregnancy hormones for 40 weeks.. and now all of a sudden my body has to adjust to having none.. my emotional breakdowns were like me.. jonsing for the hormones… she explained that the adjustment period is not kind on new moms most of the time and I need to give myself a break.. I explained that I've always worked two jobs, or gone to school and worked… I don't fall behind on things.. and now.. I can't even get out of the house before ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />3pm.. and I'm a wreck.. she pointed out I'm good to be getting out at all.. Wendy pointed out that my old normal is gone.. and that I need to grieve the loss of my old normal and my old life.. because the loss of those things also comes as a surprise.. no matter how prepared you think you are to be a mom.. she told me that in time I would find my new normal.. but that's what I would need.. time. She told me to spend time with what friends were left, as she, without me even saying anything, said she understood that I'd probably be a lot more lonely now.. with friends kind of staying back, or disappearing into the mist as the new baby came into my life… she reminded me that my husband will still love me even if I am a blubbering mess by the time he gets home.. all of my relationships have changed.. all of them.. and it's really really hard.. especially I guess because of the time of year.. I explained to Wendy that all the things I said I wouldn't do as a Mom I'm doing.. purely out of desperation she assured me that I would have time to correct them as Abby gets older… like more than 2 weeks! She didn't laugh at me, or make me feel stupid, like I was a bad parent, or like any of my questions or concerns were stupid.. Wendy is my hero.. or is it heroine? My doctor, whose kind, understanding eyes and genuine love for her job has Abby and I checking in each week.. when I explained to her that I now feel like I can't go out in public and I can't talk to anyone about anything because I feel like I'm socially retarded.. she took the words from my mouth and like Wendy, gave them meaning. She made me feel human…she also pointed out that sleep deprivation is a form of torture and increases stress and emotions… and I have to admit, I'm going to miss going to the doctor.. I guess because I enjoy the reassurance that everything is okay… during pregnancy it was amazing to hear Abby's heartbeat.. now it's so great to hear she's gaining weight and everything looks good.. it makes me feel like I can do this job they call Motherhood. I guess until I gain the confidence myself the medical reassurance has been a crutch for me.. I will be so sad if I'm not able to continue to see my doctor.. as I just found her in pregnancy she may have to ship me out as I'll no longer be part of her prenatal clinic.. I have been trying to wrestle my way into her general practice but have been told by the receptionist that because I live in Burnaby it might be a problem.. it would just be so nice.. for one single thing to stay the same… As for my transition now..I want out of my secret club of one.. I cry a little less.. not a lot less.. but sometimes I will go a day without tears… and it feels really good. When we can get out and go to the bank or the grocery store for diapers I feel like a million bucks.. I went to the mall with friends the other day.. and though it was stressful.. and we ended up leaving fairly early it felt good. Abby has grown so much and so many people haven't seen her… I've gotten to enjoy her grunts and growls and her priceless expressions.. she looks like a little angel when she sleeps.. I've loved her from the second I knew she was there.. but now I'm enjoying feeling that love a little more.. and each day.. I feel a little more of it… so now.. I may seem weird, or distant.. a little socially retarded but I'm adjusting to my new identity.. what that identity is.. I still don't know, for I'm still grieving the loss of my old normal.. and hopefully soon I'll be on my way to discovering my new normal.. I have a feeling it will be quite the journey.. and hopefully one day soon I'll have my bags packed and be ready to embark with fewer tears and more peace in my heart.