The Art of Letting Go... Monday October 6, 2009 at 1:00am

I have never been good at letting go.. I just can't for some reason. Sure there are some things I've "let go" of, or so it seems, more accurately, I've simply forgotten about them.. or can't remember what happened. I've been struggling once again.. Woe is me- I know.. Trust me- do you think I enjoy being the asshole Eeyore that no one wants to hang out with?? Do you thinK I like raging about teeny little things- I don't.. but it's not that easy for me to just stop doing it. I feel like I'm at peace with the decisions and choices I've made in my life. I chose to get married at age 27 and have a baby a few months later. I chose that... I chose to not put Abby in daycare and to work two part time jobs in order to help support my family- that was my choice. I chose to work so much that I barely see my husband as we're two ships passing in the night.. aka 3:15pm.. I chose to work mostly weekends in order to get as many shifts as possible at the safe house- I am actively making these choices.. I chose to stop weight watchers when I found out I was pregnant and decided no to pay to rejoin in hopes I'll be pregnant again very soon- thus I am choosing to get up early every single morning without fail to work out for an hour before Abby gets up- even though I work til 12am and I get a lovely little lady at my doorstep at 9am whom I want to do a good job of watching- I choose to get less sleep so I don't gain all the weight I lost- I am busy. I don't see any friends that do not have kids of their own.. I feel like I've lost a part of myself.. like that part is gone now and I can't get it back... I'm too tired, I live too far away, I have a bizzaro schedule, I don't have a babysitter- the odds are stacked against me.. but I actively make these choices every single day... and in theory I'm at peace with my choices- I feel like they are the best ones for my FAMILY... in theory. In practice I cry on my way into work because I"m exhausted and I feel a little lost.. like pieces of me are missing.. those pieces are gone.. now why can't I just let them go. Acceptance is why I can't let them go. I have yet to accept- in practice, that this is my life.. this is the life I've chosen to live, and though it's not perfect, I continue to believe I'm making the best choices for my family... I continue to feel sad when I hear of outings and see photos of friends I've known forever.. I feel sad I couldn't go- or didn't even know what was "shakin" that day or night. In theory I want to go out and do those things and be in those pictures... in practice I don't have nearly enough time, the coordination of times, or the energy- one night, hour, minute away from my schedule.. and I have twice that much time to make up for when I return. It's so hard... I want to practice letting go.. I want to practice acceptance... I want to turn my theory into practice and feel good and well and balanced. I want to not feel the need to continue to prove myself to people that could really give two shits- I want to accept that my existance is not what it once was, but has now evolved into something different.. something new... where different things are important.. I want to find some peace within myself to not internalize every single happening in this world. I want to stop questioning every event and analyzing every breath. I want to remove my buttons so there's nothing to press.. I want to stop clinging to everything like it matters- I want to just be- in my moment, in my life, and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks of me. I think, I think I just want to love me for me... and be okay with who I was, who I am, and who I will be. Breathe. I want some time to breathe.. properly. Full breaths. I would love a moment of peace- to feel the sheer joy for all the wonderful things I have the honour of having in my life. I want to be able to focus primarilly on the positives and leave the negatives in the past where they belong... Really, is it too much to ask of myself? At this moment, yes... at this moment it's too much to ask for me to lift onemore finder and do one more single thing- but maybe I will start to move theory into practice tomorrow- or--- maybe I'll just bitch about it some more....