It's amazing to me how hours now seem like minutes.. especially when I breastfeed.. it's almost makes me wonder why I bother putting my boobs away.'You know what.. I'm not okay.. and I'm okay with that. I'm okay not feeling 100%, not even 50% some days. I can put on a brave face and go out into the world and function, hold a conversation, dress myself etc. When I get home I can revert into whatever has taken hold of me in my sweat pants and the privacy of the four walls around me... yea, I'm writing about it now.. those who know me get that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm a bit of a drama queen. But I'm not being dramatic now. This is real.. as real as it's going to get baby.I don't really want to talk about it.. but I do... obviously. It's hard to explain, because there is no logical reasons for my anger and sadness.. no reason for my ups and downs.. and when I try to explain it I'm at a loss.. it's just how I feel.. maybe there are no reasons.. no explanations.. which makes my feelings difficult to communicate without sounding like a maniac. I'm still on this rollercoaster that Gil Grisom would love and at some point I'd really like to transfer to a less scary, more kid friendly coaster.. maybe in the shape of a caterpillar... that's what post partum depression does to you apparently.. it does get better.. the loops and dips generally level out, with time of course... my new arch nemesis.. time goes way too fast and at the same time to slow to heal my sticky wounds... time just morphes when you least expect it.I have found that since I brought Abby home I crave time with my Mom. I love to watch her with Abby, or I call her to let her listen to her newest voice experiment... I think if she could make it through this three times over and still be amazing I can do it too. I have a new-found respect for mothers.. my grandma and aunts... I respect the openess I can have with other parents with the slightest hope that they may have experienced some of what comes to me now... I get that love that never dissapears and only grows stronger. I have no problems nurturing Abby.. I can sing to her, dance for her, rock her, cuddle her.. talk with her.. no problem. Her little face lights up when she hears my voice.. her little smile with her tongue sticking out... it's overwhelming... all of it. Motherhood is that one word so far to me.. Overwhelming.. overwhelmingly wonderful/crazy/sad/hopeful/terrifying/joyus... you get the picture... I do what I can to better myself as a parent.. Mom and baby groups, exercise classes with the baby.. I've even signed up for a cost course on Trusting your Intuition.. I feel I do that with her anyway but i needed something for Mondays :) I can tell when she's tired or bored.. or hungry.. I'm hoping to learn something about myself... hoping to learn how to nurture myself.. though I think I just realized this very second that it might not happen too soon.. thinking back to my mom, and looknig around, being a mom is also about sacrifice... and until I'm able to be stable enough to strike a balance I'm okay with making sure Abby is okay... I'm okay with not being okay.. I mean it's kinda sad.. a little lonesome, okay a lot lonesome... But I love her with all of my heart to the point where it hurts.. but those are the fun peaks of the coaster.. those joyus moments I wasn't even aware I was capable of feeling... I wish I could just stay up here with her forever.. shield her from the dips and loops of heart ache and dissapointment... but I want her to learn too... I'll just be on the coaster with her the whole way.. or better yet, she'll be with me the whole way.. and I take so much comfort in that.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
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