Perspective... Friday, April 25, 2008 at 6:41am

It's funny that the time of day I seem to have the most perspective is at 6am. This morning after feeding and rocking Abby back to sleep I have a few moments where I actually feel at peace. I watch her little mouth open and close and her fingers grasp my hand, tightly at first and then slowly they let go and just rest on me. Her little stripey jail bird arms poke out from under her sleep sack and her teeny chest rises and falls... it's so quiet I can hear the birds chirping and the rising sun creates a perfect light. Why can't the whole day be like this? Filled with the perception of how wonderful things actually are... we are all healthy (knock on wood), have a nice (though very 70's) place to live, I have a husband who would do anything for us.. and often does... Why does the chaotic feeling creep back into my chest by 9am? When I feel like I can never accomplish anything in a day with a little babe in the same room yearning for my attention every 90 seconds... where I feel like suddenly I've lost all control of my life and I feel like I'm NEVER going to get it back? Where I have sad thoughts and sink into a "funk" that hasn't been fixed with Mommy groups or exercise... 6am just seems so much better... and it only seems better when this is the first time Abby's woken me up since she went to bed!It's amazing how much I've learned about myself in these past five months.. and I think on some level every new Momma must be going through the same thing.. I don't think books do this time period any justice- at least not any of the 10 or so I read. I have friends now who are about to embark on the title of "mother" and I now understand that need most mothers have to "help" the new moms-to-be... but I also know how annoying those "tips" can be... but I think it comes from a place in the heart of wanting the change to be more gentle on the new-mom-to-be friends.. less of a kick in the sleep-deprived-face if you will.. I'm doing my best to supress millions of tidbits of advice, because all babies are different.. and so are mommas.... I swear if I hear about BPA bottles one more time I'll snap-- don't worry I did return every single bottle I owned (as an exclusively breast feeding mom it wasn't too many) and go for the $30 born free bottles- that being said I understand the need for moms to share advice on the "well being" of all offspring.. Anyway, I'm rambling now- it must be too early.. and as sleep has seemed to stick with Abby I may crawl back into bed, though I'm not sure if I'll sleep myself.. I may just lay there and enjoy my piece of peace that has found me this morning, before the shit-show of self pity and mayhem takes over... maybe if I did more yoga (if I had more time!) I would be able to take 10 seconds out during the rest of my day to find this peaceful spot... but I think that this 30 minutes I've enjoyed is enough to carry me over for a little while-- Abby does such amazing things that my heart is revitalized every second I'm with her... I think I'm good-- at the very least, getting better.