Cake Cliche... Wednesday, September 17, 2008 at 10:34pm

Describe your feelings:FrustrationAngerDissapointedExhaustedFearInpatientSelf Pity Self Loathingand moments of Sheer Joy.That was me... 15 weeks ago at my first CBT appointment.. funny isn't it.. and you know.. I still have a lot of those feelings... but the last one.. those moments of sheer joy.. I've clung to them... for dear life.Watching Abby grow has been amazing.. watching her learn to roll over, creep, crawl, sit up, pull up, scoot around furniture.. wave, do big girl, dance, bop, bounce, say cat! it's been the best experience in my life so far. Watching her change from a teeny baby into a teeny girl has been eye opening.. causing my world not only to change immensley but also SLLLOOOOOW down.. not just for the obvious reasons that leaving the house no longer just includes grabbing keys and my wallet but also diapers, wipes, crisis binkies, soft and silky, toys, extra clothes.. ooohh and the baby... can't forget her.. she doesn't like that.Watching Abby take in the world has made me look at it for longer than a microsecond. As she notices leaves and flower petals I do too.. As she smiles and waves at every single stranger on the street.. I'm not only overwhelmed with pride (what a sweet trick!.. and she's SO friendly) but I'm forced to look up from my feet pounding on the pavement to smile as well. It's so incredible to see and hear the world go into slow motion as the giant murder of crows flies over our house every night and Abby just tilts her head back and watches.. taking every last one of those floating black specks in. I love it.I love how she gets SOOOO excited when she sees her Daddy come home from work.. how she flings herself into his arms and looks around at the world from his level.. when the cat walks into the room she squeals with pleasure and shrieks "aaat aaat" which loosely translated means "cat". Even Oliver has adjusted to having Abby in his life.. and lets her crawl all over him and pull his tail... never once taking out his frustration on her.. but only Jay.. poor Jay.I still have those feelings of frustration and anger and lots of sadness.. I still grieve my on-the-go all-about-me life.. where I could work as much or as little as I wanted and buy what I wanted and stay in bed all day and eat chips if I wanted.. and though Abby is worth every single change.. I'm still not used to it.. and I still miss my old life. I can't honestly say I can't imagine my life without her.. because I remember it so vividly. I cling to those moments too.. I create my own moments now.. out to buy a mop on my own... like it's some kind of luxury.. and in a way it is... a weird way. but still a way.. I've continued on with playing baseball because there.. no one knows the old Amy.. the one who was super crazy and loud and honestly quite funny.. and they don't really know the Momma Amy either.. they just know I show up every week, make terrible jokes, usually strike out once or twice.. but I assume they think I'm alright.. because they keep letting me play.. there's no pressure to be anyone there.. not saying i feel pressure from anyone in my life.. mostly just myself. THinking I should be adjusted to these changes overnight... when really I should practice what I preach, and was just preaching to a good friend of mine, that these changes take time.. and lots of it.. and patience.. and lots of it.It's almost time for me to return to work.. duh duh duuuuuuuuuh! I'm not ready.. but I am. I know, oh God I'm sick I know so much, that I'll miss Abby terribly.. Ter-rib-ly!! How will I not put her to bed 5 nights a week?? oh bleck.. I'm going to barf just thinking about it.. but I also get really excited knowing that I can once again offer the world more than just cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and making lunches.. I want feedback.. I want conversation.. I want to give direction that isn't just "honey don't put that catfood in your mouth, babe.. no sucking on cords, seriously Abby please stop tearing the cds down" I want to make a difference again.. and be able to influence more than just whether or not my husband should shave his sideburns (and he didn't even listen to me by the way).I find that every morning I wake up and I'm a walking contradiciton (in NO WAY is that a Green Day reference so get off it). I want to sleep in.. but I'm awake and ready to see my girl.. I want to be by myself and not have little fingers up my nose.. but when they're not there..I feel a little lonely. I want her to nap by herself.. but I want to snuggle her before she hates me... I want my independence back.. but I want to be loved... I want my time, my space, my freedom.. and obviously those things are different now.. and I want to do them guilt free... but I also want to be missed.. doesn't even make sense... I was recently, today in fact, told that I was "complex" and I replied with that is just code for bitchy ass housewife.. which in today's case.. is correct.. but I guess I am a lot more complex than I thought. Suffering constantly from the "grass is greener on the other side" sydrome when experience has told me it's really not... but there's always that chance I guess that it is... Every day is a battle to just be 100% content.. but the more I think about it.. I've never been.. so that's not anything new.. I guess the things I want now, the little things, are just different.. like to pee with the door closed and without a baby sitting on my lap, fingers up my nose.. I'd love to shower without SOMEONE scrubbing the tub with my TOOTHBRUSH!! but that's not going to happen.. I don't want to be jealouse that my husband can take 90 minutes in the bathroom and I can't even get five alone in there.. but I am.. my whole body turns green.. but I'm off topic.This whole rant is off topic.. just the ramblings of some poor lady with too much time for self pity and self contemplation on her hands.. I know I love being a mom.. I think I'm good at it. I feel that Abby can feel my love, affection, desire for her to learn and play and be happy... but I also know I loved being independent.. and I yearn for pieces of that to still exist... I ache to be a little crazy now and then.. pretend I've hopped in the Delorian and gone back in time a few years.. then I could sleep in.. eat chips in bed and watch John Hughes movies alllll day :) But I think, after my day was done and my belly full of doritos.. I'd want to come home to my babe.. no.. I'm 100% sure of that.. Basically I want to have my cake.. and eat it too.. at least once and a while.