Thank you for Bein' a Friend...

I just came home from dinner with two of my oldest friends... I hadn't seen either of them in months. Literally- they felt like they'd been shot back in a time machine to when I was preggers with Abby because I've only been showing my big belly in public for baseball games and work... I've been a hermit. The most wonderful thing about old friends- is the ability to not skip a beat... sure I've missed out on dozens of social events and the day-to-day of both of them- but after 10 minutes I was up to speed and so were they- and to me that is one of the best feelings in the world, it brings me out of isolation- if even just momentarily. It is these times that make me feel a little sad that I've missed so much but also so grateful that during that time- not much has changed.. and nothing has changed between us. Every now and then I come to the realization that I am in fact, getting older. I keep thinking of the time before I finally went back to college- every day I would walk to the gym and prepare myself for my introduction to my classmates, "My name is Amy, I'm 25, and I'm here because I want to help people..." There are times, often, when I'm stuck in my head, and I relive that little speech- only I have to remind myself that I'm now 30 years old. I don't feel like I should be "30" could be because I'm no further ahead than I was when I was 25 but I think there's more to it- plus I do believe that age really is just a number. I find that having Abby alone my schedule is very limited- but add in a work schedule that starts at 4pm when everyone gets off work and throw in the fact that I work every single weekend- my schedule is even more limited.. meeting my friends is not only logistically challenging- but I'm often exhausted (all that growing a human stuff) and there are times when I feel it's been so long that it's just too much "work" to try to catch up- especially when I only have 2 hours before I turn into a pumpkin... Then I go- and I realize how much I needed it.. and how good it makes me feel... and hope I can remember that feeling the next time I'm feeling so low that anything short of eating a brick of fudge feels like it isn't worth it- friends are more enjoyable and less likely to stick to my ass. I do love that with my schedule comes the benefit of the "new" (not so new!) friends- Mommas with babes the same age as Abby and the understanding that I don't have to explain to them why I want to rip my hair out at 830 am because they get it- yesterday they felt the same way- I enjoy the closeness of talking a few times a day about trivial things (but they don't seem trivial at all really to us- a potty poop is a big thing!) and I like knowing that someone will check in on me because they know at 830am I was about to snap- I love how the simple offers of a coffee play date or chat can instantly lift me- because to me they are not so simple. I recently said to Jay that I don't really have any friends outside my neighbourhood now- and that's just not true. I was being a pouty baby, bound by our brokeness, my work schedule, being a mom and growing a human- thinking about it now I am a very lucky person- because I've been able to form relationships that allow me to pick up where we left off- friends who have had beautiful children I've never met- I feel like I know those kids- and like because of the bond I have with their parent(s) I am bonded with them... I like to think I attract good people because I can be good people too- a little horn tooting here... friends I can call and cry into the phone after months of not talking- friends I can poke fun at because they remember that-time-that-we-did-that-thing, friends I can count on for unbiased honest advice- and friends I can count on for some nice sugar coating and reassurance- I have accepted that I'm no longer the social butterfly I once was- no longer the girl with the funny drunk face who danced the night away- I have other interests- other responsibilities that though not everyone understands- I think they see the importance of those things in my life- and at least try to understand.. tonight meant a lot to me.. being able to smile about the past- and accept that my future is now different- but be content that no matter what it looks like- somewhere out there I'll always have a friend...

All You Need is Love...

I swore up and down that when I got pregnant I would write more about it this time- so that when my kids asked me questions about pregnancy- I would remember. Obviously I declined to take my insane schedule and extreme exhaustion into consideration. Meh.

I feel good... my back is sore as hell and I wish I could just snap all the pain out of it- but that's not happening- my feet aren't swollen this time like they were with Abby (yet), my blood pressure isn't that of an obese 60 year old man's (yet) and so far my nose isn't swollen to the size of Mrs. Doubtfire's (yet). I do however have the same abundance of weird skin tags (or "gross" as the little girl on the commercial describes them), my feet are a bit bigger (but I don't look like a cabbage patch doll)( yet)) my back is killing me- I repeat and forget things (obviously you've noticed that if you're paying attention), I have serious heartburn from the weirdest things- if they say heartburn means baby has lots of hair- I wonder if my boy is a werewolf, and I'm cranky and tired- moreso than usual... but like my pregnancy with Abby I truly do love being pregnant.

I love the little- and not so little- kicks and rolls... I love how my book bounces when I'm reading in bed- I love how every day I wonder what it will be like to have a little boy. I knew when we found out Abby was a girl instantly how I would feel about her... it sounds weird but I wonder what it will be like to breastfeed a little boy- I'm sure exactly the same as a little girl- but there's just something instant about a mother-daughter bond- for me at least- I think that's only because I grew up only surrounded by women! I am so looking forward to seeing what this little guy looks like- he will be the first in my immediate family- the first boy! I'll betcha a million he's a handsome- smart- caring little bugger.

It's funny- the old wives' tales- his heartbeat is low- matching up with the lower the heartbeat the more likely it's a boy- and I'm carrying pretty low (so I'm told) which I think is the reason for my sore back! I was told the other day I looked radiant (by a good friend.. so as much as I love her with all my heart- she may have been lying- I think I look like the "penguin" from Batman).. I can't remember the other wives tales- I know I have to get that string and wedding ring out.

We can't decide on a name- I know- we have time- but with Ab, we just knew she'd be Abby! This guy- well.. we have a few picked out-- maybe we'll be more conventional and actually see what he looks like before we name him! I want something different- but not weird enough for him to be called a freak- or anything that rhymes with a veneral disease... we want it to be strong yet kind- and as special as we know he's going to be.

Abby seems to be adjusting well to my "big bewhey" as she calls it.. she rubs it and says, "hi baby Miwee!" If you don't know Baby Millie is Abby's friend Sadie's little sister- I remind Abby that it's her baby brother in that big bewhey- and she replies with "yes- my baby brother will come out after my nap" ha! Everything happens after her nap! She knows he has to stay in there because "he's still growin'". She tries to wear the little sleepers we have for him- and picks up his teeny clothes and squeals in a high pitched voice- "oh it's sooo keeeeyyyuuute!"

I feel like all of a sudden my time with Abby is so limited.. realizing of course that this little guy will be a bit of a time stealer for a while- I worry I won't have as much time to love her. Every second I see her face it hits home- I understand so deeply just how much I love her-- it's more than I ever could have thought- imagined- dreamed of. Even through this stage of "2" when tantrums and fits are too often- I look at her and I see just how determind she is- how smart she is! I laugh at her innocence and sillyness- her abilty to remember the oddest things-- and how she calls everyone "buddy" as in "that buddy at the playground hit me on the head at the car because I no sharing with him- but that's not nice buddy". I can barely handle her talking to the baby through my belly button or her telling me my "pits" are all "crean and sparkry" (clean and sparkly) when I get out of the shower- or how she giggles and tells me my legs are "prickery" or how she gets SO excited to watch Mommy and Daddy play baseball- or watch any baseball for that matter!

I love to listen to her tell her teddy bears stories- or how she bosses them around- or how her toy tells her to "press the button!" in a happy voice and she yells at it saying, "NO I"M TOO BUSY!" I love how she ride the vacuum when Jay is home- or how she goes for airplane rides- I love how excited she is to see me in the mornings when I don't work exclaiming, "I love it when my Mommy's home!" I love how she bargains and never fails to ask to watch one more episode of Max and Ruby (MAAAAXXXX??!) or how two books really means three- I love it more than anything when she says, "I have to just snugga my Mommy". Her eagerness to learn is tiring but in my heart I know she is just curious and wants to learn to be independent- watching her mimick me or Jay is the best thing- or today when she sneezed and sniffled and snotted everywhere but wanted to continue helping me plant in the garden- I said, "you're breakin' my heart!" and she replied- gingerly touching her chest saying, "I'm breakin' my heart too". I love to go into her room before I go to bed after a long night at work and see her face so peaceful- mouth exactly as it was when she was a baby- I love to kiss her cheek and tell her I love her more than anything--

And then I walk by the mirror and rub my belly- and assure my baby boy that I love him more than anything too... and to stay in that belly and grow grow grow.

I worry everyday about my pregnancy- about my baby- my family... I worry about post partum depression and how I will feel after labour- will I feel empty like I did before? will I be sad that this will likely be my last pregnancy? Hopefully not- because I do know I plan to be a lot more prepared- aka let's hook that zoloft up to my IV Dr!

It's been a rough year for Jay and I- for my family and his just in general... we have been clinging to the little things- when we can- and dwelling on the big things more often because-- they're big I guess. I know more than anything though, that we are bringing this baby into a family that knows how to do one thing right- and that is love... so whatever happens I will rely on that to keep us afloat... it's worked so far.