White Picket Fence... Friday, January 18, 2008 at 11:48pm

So... It's Friday night.. 11:30 or so, Abby's asleep (IN HER CRIB!!) Jay's out at a movie, and I just finished my dinner of Ritz crackers and cheese.. I should go to sleep while the babe rests as she was up all day so I'm anticipating a 2am party with her... but I'm restless.So much has changed for me, for us. I feel like I've totally bonded with Abby, in fact, I make myself feel stupid when I suddenly wake out of a daze to find myself staring at her while she sleeps with tears in my eyes.. or when I raise my voice to chipmunk levels to make her smile.. when I call her Bunny or Rabbit or something equally as Mom-ish.. Everyone tells you how much you'll love your child.. and for me, it didn't happen instantly, well I loved her of course, but now I really really feel it.. it's this intense emotion that has taken over my whole self... my soul feels different.. so now, I've adapted to being a Mom (well I'm still adapting, but I am now loving being a Mom, a step in the right direction) but I feel lost in the rest of my life.Being a new wife... I guess I didn't really even have time to be just a new wife because I entered into my marriage a knocked up lady! So, Jay and I find ourselves adapting to our new selves together.. in a confined space.. with a crying infant! Talk of "this is not what I imagined" has come up more often than we'd both like to admit, and deep down inside I know this phase, the puberty of marriage and parenthood, will pass with time, and a lot of work. I have my family: my loving husband, my adorable daughter, an obese but kind cat and a little house with a yard.. but I'm missing my white picket fence... instead we have a rickety skeleton of rotting wood on one side of our front yard and one lining the back yard... filling in the middle and putting on the paint is up to us... white picket fences just don't happen.. I'm finding that out now!I appreciate Jay's patience with me during my identity crisis.. some days I'm a bitch, others I'm the loving wife he thinks he married (hehe) and others I'm a blubbering mess... I spend all of my day giving all of my love and attention to Abby.. figuring out how to spread it around has proved more difficult than I thought... I'm inamoured (sp) with her... and when I'm not cuddling her, I'm trying to sleep.. or trying to maintain the life I had before I got married (I mean friendships not drunken table dancing). There is so much growth to happen... so much adaptation and it's so overwhelming! I feel like the fat kid at the prom sitting by the punch bowl... socially awkward and a little slow, definitely a little pudgy with no sense of style.. it's hard to mix who I was with who I'm becoming, and trying to be calm and "good at it" is too challenging a task for me to pull off..It's so weird... when your dreams come true, and then you don't know what to do with how they turned out... it would be nice if life was like a dream.. no work, just blissful floating from cloud to cloud, nothing to worry about, no work to be done.. I think since being on maternity leave this is the most work I've ever done.. I do like a challenge, I just like them when I'm more hormonally balanced. Also, next time I take on a challenge I'm going to try to do one thing at a time.. not 10 years worth all at once!!So my bags are packed and my journey has begun, unfortuntately I'm on a layover from a red eye flight with nothing good to eat and nowhere comfy to sleep. The ride is bumpy and I'm tired.. but I'm going to keep going. I'm going to try to find the "fun" part of me that has been hiding since I became a paranoid Mama who stresses constantly about her baby, finances and her husband's status as a Canadian resident... While I find my new normal I'll be seeking balance and more laughter and a few less tears... I want to find that lady inside me with the crossed eyes and the ability to make people laugh.. with the desire to feel love again instead of just worry... I know she's somewhere on my trip and I hope I find some pieces of her soon.. for Jay's sake.. poor guy deserves a medal for putting up with me... that's why I love him so much I guess.. now.. I just need to tell him more often.I'm going to find my pillow now, for a few precious moments of blissful dreaming.. before I have to whip my boob out again for the most beautiful little being in the world.