Symptoms of Sad

Sore boobs: check Headaches: check Dizziness: check Drowsiness: check Slight cramping: check Heartache: check I tricked myself into thinking I was pregnant this month.. into thinking my charting and peeing on sticks and legs-in-the-air activities worked. I made myself believe that we were going to be able to add to our family like we've been wanting to since July. I read into the symptoms above- you know the ones that are early pregnancy signs and also the signs of an impending period... what the hell? I even thought I saw a faint faint line yesterday- which breaks my heart even more-- because if I did- I miscarried again.. this time very early, and with much less pain. My close friends knew what to say... big hugs and have my extra pee sticks.. and call me if you want to talk. They didn't tell me to relax and let it happen- because they know I can't, no matter how hard I try, and they know, from experience they wouldn't be able to either. They kept their fingers crossed all month, and now, I've given their cramped joints a break and I got my period.. I know they are disappointed and I know they feel my heartache- the ones that don't understand- that makes my heart ache... and it also makes me feel stupid... for hanging onto things I shouldn't and for just lacking the ability to fucking let go. I have been blessed with two previous pregnancies and not having to "try". It's very stressful.. it's fun for the first few days- and then, it becomes kind of a chore- especially because our time together is so very limited- I work late, Jay works early.. it is nice to be forced together though, a nice habit I'd like to keep around. I don't know what I"m going to do to relax- I might try acupuncture as a friend of mine suggested- my chest hurts- my muscles ache with tension and exhaustion and my heart and my stomach which is currently sitting in my throat are burning.. Every single time I turn around there is a pregnant lady... even at the bank while I was getting a new bank card I had to listen to this lady talk to her pregnant friend on the phone about themselves being pregnant.. at work there are pregnant women- my friends... I feel like the ugly dorky kid sitting in the corner- picked last for gym teams... it hurts. I know a lot of people can't relate to me- can't relate to how I feel. I know a lot of people think I'm pathetic- and weak- and too open... and I think those people maybe aren't a proper fit to my life right now- because these are all things I need to be- in my life, in my moment. This year has brought me so many struggles- right from the beginning until now- I feel like I haven't gotten a break- I stopped my post partum support group- and life took over- no longer post partum issues- but I wasn't prepared to deal with all the bullshit I was thrown this year... I wasn't ready.. I may still be alive and kicking- but inside I'm not.. I'm giving up.. I'm losing steam. I feel hopeless and sad, and so frustrated at the hand I've been dealt- that my family has been dealt. I am very aware that there are positives- seeing them is difficult through the fog of disappointment.. but I do have my moments to celebrate them- and be in them... sometimes it doesn't feel like enough to get me through the day though. I tried to tell myself, look at the bright side; rum and eggnog.. it's not as wonderful as a glowing little bean with a teeny heart.. and it's not going to do.. I have given up on getting any good news this year- I thought maybe this Christmas we'd have something to celebrate and get excited about- but I am saving my hope for 2010- I have so little left at this exact second I need to save it for a year that isn't cursed with the circumstances of life- wow. I am a real ray of sunshine- no wonder nobody calls me! I usually feel lighter after writing- this time I don't. I'm not unburdened... but I want to unburden my close friends- I want to seek help outside of the strong friendships I have, because I don't want them to end up like the ones I've lost.. I can't afford that either... wha wha wha.. I guess a positive is I can go through these days of the Moon without much anxiety and hopefully learn a mantra that will bring me some light, and hope, peace is a ways off- and that is my own fault.