Falling Down

You know when you wake up and think, "This is it. This is the day I'm going to lose my shit 'Falling Down'" style and most likely end up in jail... you know those days?? What? you don't?? Oh.. you must not be a mother.

I know, another post about motherhood- but it's not... really.

I've recently scored a run of shifts that take me to work Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday from 4pm-12am- awesomesauce! I've had the weekends off for a little over a month and it's been so sweet! I've seen people, seen the outside world, drank beer!

By Wednesday night I'm so done... when you think that I get home from work at 12:30am at the earliest and Otis wakes at 6:30am.. and it takes me around an hour to "wind down" I'm not sleeping much- this is where the "Falling Down" feeling comes in. Usually I'm fueled by coffee and the cuteness of my children- but some mornings their insane behaviour is too much for me to remember that they're actually cute and I really do love them... remember 4-5 hours of sleep- never in a row- as I have to get up with someone for something during those few hours (scary bad guys, lost my binky, just feel like playing) isn't the best mix with one of them playing in the toilet while the other drops berries and toast all over the floor- oh- and finding a giant cat poop during this madness also doesn't help....

Thursday is a whole new day- even though I've had the same amount of sleep I don't have to rush around making breakfast, lunch and dinner all before 2pm. I can take my time- it's luxurious!

By Thursday night at 5:30pm when Jay walks in the door- I'm ready for a break. The luxury of taking my time often translates to "it's taken forever to do anything- with "help" from the kids- and I haven't gotten much accomplished" and I feel like a dog chasing its tail... So I usually jet out for something- the last couple of weeks it's been to the gym to meet with my friend and our gym guy- or for a run-- sometimes I "need" something from the store...

All of this panic and claustrophobia makes me feel like a bad parent. Like maybe I should have waited to have kids until I could be settled, and sit still for five minutes....

Then I think back and realize- I've never been able to sit still. Sure I could lie in bed hungover and eat chips while watching terrible reality shows-- but I'd never stay there. True that I'd stay there longer than the five minutes I get here to be be hungover in bed (I'm not hungover all the time so shush!) but I still wouldn't ever just lie around all day. My mom recently suggested Jay and I go to a hotel for a night- and to be honest, just the thought of that gave me anxiety- weird I know- not being alone with my husband of course, that sounds amazeballs... but the morning... sleeping past 7am- not having anything "to do"... at times that sounds great- but when she suggested it I kind of panicked thinking, "I have so few days off- never a day off to myself- what the hell would I do? I don't want to waste it sleeping??!" I guess it's contradictory- all of my feelings are these days- and I think that's what makes me wonder if I should have waited to have kids- my feelings are so mixed-- not about having the kids now- of course I wouldn't trade them for the world-- I mean, if you're on facebook you've seen the 600 pictures I post of them- they're cute! But I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are more things in a day that I want to do then just be "a mother"

Everything I do- I'm a "mother" doing those things... like at my Dance Bootcamp so many people have said to me, "I can't believe you're a Mom" or when I play baseball I'm a "mother" who plays ball- or when I go shopping I definitely feel like a "mother"-- mostly because nowadays I can't be bothered to try clothes on I'd rather just look for cute stuff for the kids- but also because I like so many clothes but wonder could my "mother" self wear this super sparkly shirt? I don't resent being a Mom while I do all these things- I think it makes me feel stronger- like I'm a "mother" who MAKES time to exercise, and socialize and be alone- but when I hear that my husband has told my Mom that "he couldn't pay me to stay home with him and the kids" I get so sad-- and wonder "is that true?" and of course it's not true- but there are so few hours in a day and I spend all 24 of them being a Mom- that I need to spend a few of them, a few times a week being a "Mom who does other things".

Does any of this make sense? Probably not- my writing has been interrupted numerous times while I helped Abby make cards- and when I popped back on to write more as I thought Otis was helping her-- I had to pop back off after learning he had pushed a chair to the counter to eat an entire spice jar full of cinnamon-- diaper changes and snuggas- I'm currently getting my hair done by a little lady by the name of Sleeping Beauty whose cell phone is apparently ringing-- Odey is blow drying his hair with a TinkerBell blow dryer and I am hoping when I'm done writing here I'll go into the kitchen and it will be clean....

I guess my point is-- I am a "Mom" which I love. I love the adventure of every day being the same but different- as in they do and say new things every day and it's hilarious and pride inducing- the same as in we have our routine--I am a Mom who loves to cuddle and snugga and teach and also learn from my kids... but I'm also a "Mother" who chooses do to other things- for her non-Mother- and also my Mother self... because at times I feel like I'm being really selfish and I feel so guilty-- but I think that without being selfish I would definitely be "Falling Down".

I had my kids when I did because I met a man who was meant to be a father- and who loves me so dearly- and would do anything for me- I had kids when I did because I felt ready- no one can prepare you for the changes- life altering- I realize that no amount of waiting would change who I am... someone who needs a little space, something to own as mine, someone who maybe is a little selfish- time wouldn't change those things- I think I will always wonder, that selfish being inside me will always wonder if I was meant to have kids- if I'm patient enough, loving enough, teaching enough, etc... but the "Mother" in me will reassure those other parts that I'm only human... and doing my best is enough- that sounds "Motherly" doesn't it? See- I was meant to do this- even on those "Falling Down" days- I always get back up- because who needs to sleep anyway?