I was recently so lucky to spend an evening out with the infamous Team Vag! Three of my friends with whom I spent almost the entire time I was single- celebrating being a woman- an independent woman- okay so we mostly drank mojitos, went shopping and shared secrets- but they are memories I will never forget and always hold tight too...
On our night out I noticed something. All of us- every single one of us- had not one nice thing to say about ourselves. It is easy for me to tell my friends how beautiful they are- it's true. Physically they're knock outs- with skin, smiles, and curves people would kill for they're amazing.... but each one of them had a myriad of complaints about their bodies.... and I sure wasn't standing there thinking that my body is perfect- in fact- far from it.
We change... we change as people: evolve. It's only natural that with our lifestyle changes or maybe better put, LIFE changes, that our bodies will change too. Part of it is simple science... you grow older and your skin loosens, your metabolism slows down... hey man- you can't go out partying every night and get up for work the next day simply by shaking it off with a greasy breakfast?? Not. Fair. The other part is I think- for a second, being comfortable with yourself as a woman: I can remember us taking a thousand photos a night- and feeling good about what we saw in those photos.. confident in ourselves- in love with our smiles or our boobs or whatever... the other night there lacked that relaxed feeling about our appearance- and maybe it is back to simple science- as we age we feel the need to compete with younger women- who to us, appear more fresh and beautiful and tight/slim.... Anyway, with the comfort we feel- for that second- we can relax- also with the aid of finding a mate who loves you for who you are as a person rather than your cup size comes the ability to love yourself- don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say "someone has to love you before you can relax and love yourself and be comfortable with who you are" but let's face it- it helps to know that someone loves you and plans to spend their live with you... that love helps let you put your guard down...
I don't really know what I'm getting at. Personally my body has changed so much after having my kids- and every single day I struggle with those changes. I don't give a shit how many people tell me I grew, nourished and birthed two beautiful children- I live with them- I KNOW that... but I miss my tits. I miss my flat stomach- I miss not having stretch marks over my entire midsection. I am, slimer and more fit now than I've been since high school-- but you know where that comes from- it comes from a complete lack of confidence in my appearance and a hatred for the physical appearance of my body. It did not start from a healthy place. Insecurity is a real bitch.
Now- with running- starting that Dance Bootcamp class- and most recently- and I think most importantly, starting to work out with a trainer- and doing what I've learned in the gym at home- I have decided that I want my body to be strong- I want my body to match my spirit... to match my determination to tell life to "fuck off and I'll deal with it" Sure, sometimes I'm a total wuss and I cry and whine about my situation-- but I don't want to cry and whine about my body anymore. I want to love it. I want to love what it's been through and I want to love where it's going. I want to love it through the transformation I'm putting it through- and I want to love it for a long time. I want to be healthy.
I'm not there yet- I don't think I'm even close. It's SO easy to pick apart every little thing about yourself.. and I don't want it to be that easy for me. I know I'll never be happy with everything about myself- and I think that's sick- thanks society for making me aware I now have wrinkles and my stretch marks are unacceptable....
These photos I had taken by Anita Alberto found here http://www.facebook.com/anitaphotography and here http://www.anitaginaphotography.com/ I think have changed my life. I look at these photos and sure- I can still tell you what I don't like.. but more importantly I can tell you what I love. I love my eyes, my skin, my waist:hip ratio. I can tell you I've been working hard and I love the changes my body is going through. I can tell you I appreciate myself for not being shy- and standing around in my underwear- I can tell you I think I look beautiful.
Maybe it is vain. I don't think the world has ever been a place where appearances don't come into play at some point... I want to get to a point where I'm not competing with everyone else- but rather doing something just for myself... I'm getting closer. Closer to not caring what the world thinks- but it's hard. It's so hard.
I think every person needs a photo they love of themselves. Something they can look at on a shitty day and think, "wow: I'm amazing" During this photo shoot I was so shy at first... half a bottle of pink champagne and one of my best friends with me- I was so timid... but Anita made me feel beautiful- strong- confident. I think this is one of the most empowering things I've ever done.. and I want to do it again...
The other night it got to a point where I made the girls toast: toast to loving themselves for who they are- and a toast to not being nasty to themselves anymore. We all failed- but we tried... and now one of us simply has to remind the others when they say something bad: "remember the toast". I want my friends to do this. All of my friends. I want you to have something that makes you feel beautiful.. I don't care if it's vain, I really don't. I think it's important... we all know we're good humans- very few of us recognize that we're beautiful humans.
Thank you Anita.
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