Looking for Positives...

Well, 2010.. you're nothing special so far-- but you're also not the worst thing to ever happen to me.. let's keep it that way shall we? Things have been crazy. I've been wanting to write since I rang New Years Eve in at work- no wait! I got off early (pun intended) and was able to ring in the New Year with my husband (insert cliche fortune cookie ending here: in bed). Since we started dating in 2006 this was the first New Years we actually rang in together "together".. as in he wasn't calling me at midnight from Baltimore, or waking me up at midnight for a little kiss and to breastfeed Abby- or calling me at work.. I made it home... and old friend used to tell me that you can gauge your year based on the events of your New Years eve- if that's the case, 2010 should be allllright. I don't really know what to write about. Things are the same.. I'm still yearning for a baby and pretty much ready to sacrifice it all until we can get pregnant again. Attempting to decipher the ways of my uterus and other lady bits has been quite the adventure. I have a feeling that things are settling down a bit-- I hope.... I still worry about the length of my luteal phase and whether or not I have enough time for an egg to implant before my uterus breaks down to deliver the "products of failure" in the way of that bitch "aunt flo" and I have been peeing on sticks comparing test and control lines like Sarah Sital on CSI.. but whatever.. that's me.. I'm a control freak.. this shit is out of my hands and though I haven't fully accepted that yet- I feel better this month for some reason... I say that now, but when my period shows up- there will be hell to pay. I'm also turning 30 in a few short weeks... the last of my 20's (duh). To be honest-- I really want to ring those last days in pregnant and healthy. Every time I get a glimpse at Abby playing with her little buddies, or nuzzling her "soft softs" in her sleep-- I can't bear to think that we won't be able to make another baby... driving home from my grandparents on Christmas-- she was soo tired... she wrapped her little hand around my fingers the whole way home as I sat in the back seat with her... I watched the street lights move over her face and in those moments I just loved her so much- it reconfirmed for me how much I want to have another child... this week her and the little lady I watch during the week had a princess dance party- watching Abby interact and shake her little booty- I teared up and started to cry (we all hope those are the hormones of ovulation kicking in-- with any luck) she just looks so perfect in those little moments--- and she looks so "2" in other moments (ie. pushing, taunting, teasing, tantruming) but I don't care about those "2" moments- because I know, just around the corner will be another perfect moment- like when she gets ready for her bath and does the "I'm neh-ed" (naked) booty shake... and post bath "funny face" *gabba* in the mirror.. There are some other things that have been different, in a more positive way, for me these last weeks as well... I don't know what- or how- or why.. but I have just realized how much I love Jay... it's not just because he arranged with my Mom to get me a treadmill for Christmas either (that did score him some extra points) there's something-- I might have missed it before.. I know I love him- that's why I married him- but in the rush of getting married pregnant forcing my US citizen of a husband to work under the table... dealing with postpartum depression/denial, money stresses etc.. I missed what a wonderful and caring man he is. He's an amazing father.. sometimes too amazing because I get ripped off and don't get the hugs and kisses daddy gets (and also because someone has to be the "bad" guy). We have been a great team these last few weeks.. the whole ships passing in the night (aka 315 in the afternoon) has been okay- because there is an intimacy that has returned-- that extends out of just the bedroom and into the rest of life... We are both hard workers (him after some serious nagging from me) and we take turns working hard in the "work force" and on the "home front" it isn't easy-- but it's all we have and we are making it work. It's nice- it would be even nicer if we could go out for an hour with just each other- but that's not happening any time soon! I have been very worried about the women in my life.. my Mom, my momma friends... my website support group friends (who have been very helpful, I don't give a shit if it's nerdy- it helps me)... Abby (who has another appt. at Childrens' coming up). I feel like being able to worry about other people- and to try to make things better for them has been helpful- that does NOT mean I take pleasure in other people's sorrow- I think it just reconfirms my career choice and the kind of person I am.. a "fixer" if you will- a "fixer that listens"- oh and gives hugs... my heart breaks when people close to me aren't happy-- and I can take that anxious energy I for some reason let hold fort in my body- and turn it into something positive- by transferring it into a "helping energy". I hope... I do know that the worrying and the "are you okays" get excessive- but I do really care-- these women have gotten me through some of the worst- no- THE worst times in my life- I owe it to them to try to help... I just wish I could wave a magic wand and make things better instantly... I want to be as helpful to them as they have been/are to me. I'm all over the place- I guess the product of a 50 hour work week combined with a two year old and a new treadmill that I just HAVE to run on every day... measuring lines and checking fluids-- that'll do it I suppose... my clothes match- they're even clean.. I get a whole day off tomorrow- to grocery shop and fold laundry and eat dinner with my family.. Perfect.

My Get Well Card

T minus nine days and I will get to say goodbye to this year. Oh- you think I'm going to be perky right now? Ha. That shit was shortlived. I just can't take it anymore... I am struggling with something I hear all the time, "He giveth and He taketh away"- please- tell Him to stop taking from my family and friends. Please... My heart is aching for one of my best friends right now. I haven't slept much- I feel sick to my stomach (though not sick enough to stop me from eating a bowl of chips and 3 scoops of ice cream- oh and two nanaimo bars), and I'm just tight with worry. I'm at my limit for losses and heartache this year... I've reached the top- all of the rest that piles up over the next 9 days will have to park in the overflow lot- but don't you dare think you're making your way into 2010 with me. I don't understand why bad things happen to the most amazing people... I just don't get it. To make them stronger? If they are good people- aren't they strong enough already? Why fuck with a good thing really- is taunting and teasing fun?? I don't know how I will handle Abby's first heartache- I get ill just thinking of it- the first time someone calls her a name or ignores her- or heaven forbid breaks her heart... I can't handle it when it happens to my friends and family- but my own child- I think I'll lose it. I want nothing more than for the people in my life to be happy and healthy- and have what they long for (within reason- no virgin sacrificing ceremonies or anything crazy like that). I want them to feel fulfilled and satisfied.. loved and cared for... and then- I want to be a part of that... As a control freak I cannot handle it when I can't make something better- my usual cookies or flowers in a funny vase won't work this time- time.. my arch nemesis, time is back- and the only one who can fix things. Mother fucking time. Tonight when I got home- I ignored the bills and moved onto a few cards we got in the mail- I opened one with 12 simple blocks of colour- and the definition of hope written on the bottom: 1. to wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment 2. To have confidence.... hmmm. I used to. Inside are some beautifully written words- some quotations from this blog (I didn't even think anyone reads this) and some words about the future- and how things will come together for me.. for us. "never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has come together. What you have desired will finally come true and when it does you will look back at what has passed and you will ask yourself, 'how did I get through all of that?' It is the love and strength hidden deep inside your heart and soul. Stay open to the world- so you have so much to give and recieve." Driving home tonight.. I cried and cried and cried. No reason really- just the usual circumstances with a little heartache shaped cherry on top- those words- "stay open to the world" for some reason they get me.. they wrench at my heart- because I know it's true- but it is so hard... so exhausting... Thank you. Whoever you are- thank you for reading- for hearing- for doing-- something that I so needed. I want to revert back to 11 days ago- when I loved myself for those brief moments... I am going to try to cling to that feeling- those few seconds of hope-- I am going to try to focus on Abby's giggles and wiggles- on Jay's adoration of us both- and be thankful we are both alive and healthy (though in need of a stern diet... sans nanaimo bars and ice cream). I am going to grab onto the hope that my dear dear friend is carrying in her heart right now- during one of the worst times I've ever heard of- I am going to try my best to "float on"

MIrror Mirror...

... on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

Not. Me.

Giving Abby a bath tonight after a long long week, one of many long long weeks, I stared in the mirror as she repeatedly demanded I get in the "back seat" of the bath tub. I just didn't want to be cold... I sang to her and dipped her, all the things I could do from the inside, on the outside of the tub, in my warm jammies.

Anyway, as I stared I realized a few things; I'm getting older. My face shows it. I look tired, I have wrinkles and bags.. my skin looks terrible likely from major lack of sleep, bad weather and stress and anxiety... probably dehydrated too. I also realized that I look different.. other than looking older of course, I look.. sad- or wise- or both. I appreciated my reflection in that moment though, with the chatter of my 2 year old in the background. I appreciated it because of all I accomplished in the week that led me up to looking the way I look... all of the things I've been through this year and struggled with have made my eyes look deeper than they did before... I looked honest tonight.

Even though I hate my wrinkles and my untamed eyebrows I have an understanding of where they came from- the reasons for their pitiful existance... I examined my body- fuller than just post weight watchers from comfort eating due to grieving.. lack of time, and just depression. I appreciate, and loathe at the same time if that even makes sense, my stretch marks- you know the ones that held off until 35 weeks and then attacked my baby belly.. I am thankful for my hips that allowed my healthy baby girl to be born.. my smaller, much less perky, breasts for feeding her for a full year.. my arms strong enough to hold her, to carry her, to wrap around my husband and tell him I love him, and to pull him in close as we strive for another baby...

I'm grateful for my furrowed brow wrinkle- because it shows that I've been thinking, analyzing, pondering, and maybe sometimes... dreaming. I think it shows that I don't take the world with a grain of salt, though sometimes that ability would be helpful to my mental health.. My eyes let the world know I wear my heart on my sleeve- I'm obviously not that good at hiding my emotions. I wear them on my face, in my shoulders, in the tone of my voice. But that is me.. and though it's not always ideal.. it's me... and I'm proud of me.

Jay has been off work since Wednesday when he had his second, and hopefully final, surgery on the tendons in his hand. I've been working a lot as usual- having a little lady come and play with Abby in the mornings, then working at the safe house at night.. so even though he should be resting.. he has to deal with Abby- he's been doing an amazing job as usual. Tonight when I came home I just realized how l ucky I am: laundry folded, house vacuumed, baby fed, loved, nurtured, (gabbas even tucked in) Abby's bed time clothes were even laid out-- he gave her the meds I cannot touch with his gibbled paw. Over the last little while, I think I've woken up to understand that I really am a lucky lady- I've had a really terrible unlucky year, but I've been given a lot of gifts.

The acupuncture is going well- I drift off there- forcing out the crazy bad thoughts and trying to breathe in postivity, light and balance.. it is by far not "fixing" things, but I think it is bringing an alternative view to the things in my life. It could be the acupuncture- or just the movement in my lady cycle away from the dreaded red curse and into the surge of the lutenizing hormone- and the relief now that I don't have to pee on a stick for another 13 days- who am I kidding will I make it that long? I am starting, just starting, barely, to be thankful for the things I do have- and I'm mindful everyday of the smallest successes- whether or not I verbalize my recognition is another thing, but baby steps.

I know I will continue to dwell- that is me too- part of who I am... and I think I've decided that if you don't like it- then that's too bad. I know the people close to me in my life can deal with it- I hope because I give them enough in return- I can only hope that's the reason- it can be draining being a friend with a dweller- but my fakey smile is on the shelf- if I'm not feeling it, you simply won't see it. What you see is what you get- no substitutions- I'm hoping, and feeling, at least in this moment, my moment, that what you see will be slightly happier than before- baby steps...

I Used to be a Happy Person

I don't know what my problem is... My husband and I are happy- we've been kidding and joking around- and in part it is to help me cheer the fuck up and to stop dwelling on things- but also- we seem to be back to where we started. .. Silly but with more responsibilities... and fatter. He is a wonderful man who loves me- he adores our Abby like nothing I've ever seen before- my father certainly never looked at me the way he looks at Abby. He takes everything with a grain of salt- or at least he pretends to for my sake. He rolls out of bed at 530 in the morning- rolls back in the door at 3pm in order for me to go to work.. sometimes he gets a few moments to himself to read his dorky websites- other times Abby is anxiously awaiting his arrival. He lets me go and do my thing- with working four mornings a week and at least four nights a week I don't have much time to myself to get things done- or to just be alone.. I make sure we eat at least one meal together a week- but the other night I have off- I need some time to myself- and he lets me go... he doesn't complain about himself- he sees what I need and understands and just lets me go. I try to do the same for him- sometimes I have to push him out the door to see his friends- none of whom are very "grown up" in the ways of being married or having children- or even steady jobs- but I know how isolated I feel at times, and I know he hides his feelings for me- because he doesn't want his crazy wife to go any crazier. He is amazing. I sometimes wonder if I scared him into being such a wonderful person- my expectations are high- I used to be a happy person- someone that if I were one of my friends that I would want to spend my time with- now- not so much. I'm a dweller. A pessimist. I look at myself in the mirror and I have Kramer flashbacks- you know that episode where he was a smoker- and he cowers and screams, "don't look at me.. I'm HIDEOUS!" I know I'm transparent and I know that I'm not that fun to be around. I am trying to get back there.. I'm trying to "float on" I'm attempting to posses that attitude of John K. Sampson- the "throw away my misery it never meant that much to me.. it never sent a get well card". Well.. here I am.. sitting, waiting for a card in the mail: Dear Amy- don't worry.. "even if it gets heavy, we'll all float on alright" "disassemble your despair it never took you anywhere it never once bought you a drink".... let. go. You are going to be okay... things will get better. You will heal. You will have another baby... you will get a full time job... etc etc etc. I know it seems so ridiculous to think that if I have our second child a year from now that I'll lose my close friends.. the truth is sometimes I feel that way. And this, my wanting another baby, has NOTHING to do with that.. but it has added to my anxiousness around it. I know it's silly. Saying it out loud makes me sound like an idiot.. and idiot that should hit the back space button- but I'm not going to.. not many people read this anyway ;) Those who do- I don't think would judge me for it. I am going back to acupuncture tomorrow. I liked it. Apparently I fell asleep- I didn't think I did.. but I am so exhausted it doesn't suprise me. My body now is so tense in the short hour of naptime I get before I start my nightshift I can't even sleep. My stomach feels sick and my shoulders hurt- but I managed to fall asleep with needles in my head.. maybe it's because I don't think the hippies expect that much from me- after questioning me about my poop and staring at my tongue I guess I felt relaxed enough to sleep. I didn't get emotional- I've been warned that it may come... and I'm okay with that. I'm emotional enough as it is.. but I am trying to think of it as cleaning out your fridge- it gets messier as you fill your sink with containers of rotten food and you have to take out the shelves to wipe them down- then.. when you put it all back together.. it's clean.. white. I don't expect myself to be clean and white- there is too much rotten stuff in me to be cured in a few sessions of acupuncture- but I am really hoping for my eyes to stop hurting, my shoulders to stop aching, my stomach to stop churning- eventually... as I said, if nothing else I will be still there.. maybe even catch an extra hour of sleep. I was aware of my thoughts... and tried to synch up with the energy of the space- I had to chase out the bad thoughts more than once- a lot. I tried to repeat positive things to myself.. over and over- it was hard. It was work.. but I was still.. I might have even snored. It's funny. I cannot stand myself right now. I'm so aware of how I'm being.. of what I'm clinging to- but I can't stop. I can't let go.. and I don't know why. It's so hard. It's so lonely. I sometimes feel as if I'm outside myself looking in with pity.. what a pity.. and for someone who is so self aware (I hope) why can't I just make those changes? Am I too busy- too scared... just unaccepting of my total lack of control over this situation. Am I still grieving- or am I at the point where I'm just jealous? It's too bad Oprah quit- I wish someone could just tell me what to do- and I wish when they did- that I would take their advice instead of being a bull headed "poo pooer" and continuing to feel sorry for myself.

The Key

I am standing at this giant padlock.. shaking the shit out of it and wondering where on earth the key is- where or what is the key to "having it all" I know for a fact that I'm not the only one who doesn't have time to sit and just "sit". I may dwell on that loss more than others do- but I think in part it's because I don't have the key. I don't have the answer.. I don't have the "secret" (that weird show everyone was talking about a few years ago). A sure fire way to know that I'm depressed is when I turn down a drink- I'm no alcoholic- but I am a social drinker... I sometimes use getting boozey as a crutch in awkward (known to normal people as perfectly "normal") social situations- it loosens me up a little- my jaw so tight with stress I can barely breathe- it loosens those bones so I'm able to talk- let the jaw flap a little if you will- it helps me forget that I'm wearing a tshirt covered in this morning's oatmeal or that I haven't plucked my eyebrows since being a bridesmaid in my friends' wedding (in August). It makes me think that my little stories about Abby or work (the two main things happening in my life) are interesting to everyone else (not just me). Tonight... I turned down a drink... In part I had to drive home, so that my husband could go out with his friends- and also- because I know I'm so on the brink of something ugly- that one cold, smooth, delicious beer could loosen my jaw just enough for me to "flap away" about something ridiculous... I think one single drink would have turned me into that 17 year old girl who broke into her parents' liquor cabinet and made a nasty shit mix, drank it all, and is so drunk she starts to cry about being so drunk- because she's lost control... I am losing control.. no, correction, I've lost it over the thing that matters most to me right now- well.. not most.. but it's on the list of my top three. Tonight was awkward for me... and likely for everyone else who I talked with. I'm very open with my feelings... and it makes people uncomfortable- it drives them away from me. I have no one but myself to blame for the awkwardness. I finally did make that acupuncture appointment.. I have a good feeling about it as the woman I spoke with listened patiently to my ignorance around acupuncture- and she also calmly took in my life story in less than two minutes- I think I swore 5 or 6 times (do hippies swear?? was that bad??) and confessed all of the reasons I want to try it.. I am excited- if nothing else, if it doesn't work- it will be a time for me to lay still and do nothing- for the small fee of $20-$40. Lying still- I don't even do it at night- you know I woke up this morning drenched, DRENCHED, in sweat. I know I'm moving around, flopping back and forth.. even when I'm resting I'm not resting- I think those needles will make me lay still.. and hopefully feel something positive. Today I cried a little here and there- it was hard because I was at work.. and had to be sneaky- I worked until 12am Friday night (sat. am) and then was back at 8am Saturday morning- so I missed over 24 hours with my Abby- I missed her. I missed her even more when I found out another friend of mine is pregnant (a big congrats) but it still made me sad for some reason- and another friend of mine had her baby girl 3 weeks early (another big congrats)- but other people's happiness just made me feel worse- I don't want to be "that" person... I am right now and it fucking sucks.. of course I want my friends to be happy, more than anything.. but I just want to be happy too. I am 100% convinced something is wrong with my body- whether that is crazy or not I don't know.. I'm sure you're thinking, if you've even bothered to take the time to read one of my pity party notices, that it's crazy. It's been 2 cycles- technically only one regular cycle since the d&c... nothing is wrong this is normal.. but I am very in tune (and always have been) with my body. I know what feels normal and what feels off. Cramping all month isn't normal for me.. Extreme pain during my period isn't normal for me... the heavy bleeding.. none of that is normal.. the extreme extreme teariness- not normal.. I know this month is different then all of those non-trying months- and I know I'm worn thin from not accepting that I lost a baby and I need to move on- but I don't feel normal... Normally I'm strong- I can focus- I can laugh through anything... these days I feel weak, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I can't focus on anything- I can't remember.. I'm accepting things I shouldn't (like not finding a job that gives me benefits and sick time) and not accepting things I can't control (like losing a baby and not getting pregnant). If you are a Seinfeld fan I could coin myself, "bizzaro Amy" and you would know what I mean.. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, so to speak, but I've never not been able to shake it- or deal with it.. sure the post partum depression was a challenge, but I moved through that.. out of PPD and into life... I've been working a lot lately- and I really do enjoy my job(s)- but both of them are giving.. giving giving- which I know is what one does at a job (duH) but along with work I give to my Abby and my husband.. my little date with the POKE people is the highlight of my week next week.. that is what I'm going to give myself..

Symptoms of Sad

Sore boobs: check Headaches: check Dizziness: check Drowsiness: check Slight cramping: check Heartache: check I tricked myself into thinking I was pregnant this month.. into thinking my charting and peeing on sticks and legs-in-the-air activities worked. I made myself believe that we were going to be able to add to our family like we've been wanting to since July. I read into the symptoms above- you know the ones that are early pregnancy signs and also the signs of an impending period... what the hell? I even thought I saw a faint faint line yesterday- which breaks my heart even more-- because if I did- I miscarried again.. this time very early, and with much less pain. My close friends knew what to say... big hugs and have my extra pee sticks.. and call me if you want to talk. They didn't tell me to relax and let it happen- because they know I can't, no matter how hard I try, and they know, from experience they wouldn't be able to either. They kept their fingers crossed all month, and now, I've given their cramped joints a break and I got my period.. I know they are disappointed and I know they feel my heartache- the ones that don't understand- that makes my heart ache... and it also makes me feel stupid... for hanging onto things I shouldn't and for just lacking the ability to fucking let go. I have been blessed with two previous pregnancies and not having to "try". It's very stressful.. it's fun for the first few days- and then, it becomes kind of a chore- especially because our time together is so very limited- I work late, Jay works early.. it is nice to be forced together though, a nice habit I'd like to keep around. I don't know what I"m going to do to relax- I might try acupuncture as a friend of mine suggested- my chest hurts- my muscles ache with tension and exhaustion and my heart and my stomach which is currently sitting in my throat are burning.. Every single time I turn around there is a pregnant lady... even at the bank while I was getting a new bank card I had to listen to this lady talk to her pregnant friend on the phone about themselves being pregnant.. at work there are pregnant women- my friends... I feel like the ugly dorky kid sitting in the corner- picked last for gym teams... it hurts. I know a lot of people can't relate to me- can't relate to how I feel. I know a lot of people think I'm pathetic- and weak- and too open... and I think those people maybe aren't a proper fit to my life right now- because these are all things I need to be- in my life, in my moment. This year has brought me so many struggles- right from the beginning until now- I feel like I haven't gotten a break- I stopped my post partum support group- and life took over- no longer post partum issues- but I wasn't prepared to deal with all the bullshit I was thrown this year... I wasn't ready.. I may still be alive and kicking- but inside I'm not.. I'm giving up.. I'm losing steam. I feel hopeless and sad, and so frustrated at the hand I've been dealt- that my family has been dealt. I am very aware that there are positives- seeing them is difficult through the fog of disappointment.. but I do have my moments to celebrate them- and be in them... sometimes it doesn't feel like enough to get me through the day though. I tried to tell myself, look at the bright side; rum and eggnog.. it's not as wonderful as a glowing little bean with a teeny heart.. and it's not going to do.. I have given up on getting any good news this year- I thought maybe this Christmas we'd have something to celebrate and get excited about- but I am saving my hope for 2010- I have so little left at this exact second I need to save it for a year that isn't cursed with the circumstances of life- wow. I am a real ray of sunshine- no wonder nobody calls me! I usually feel lighter after writing- this time I don't. I'm not unburdened... but I want to unburden my close friends- I want to seek help outside of the strong friendships I have, because I don't want them to end up like the ones I've lost.. I can't afford that either... wha wha wha.. I guess a positive is I can go through these days of the Moon without much anxiety and hopefully learn a mantra that will bring me some light, and hope, peace is a ways off- and that is my own fault.

My Apologies

I looked down at my feet when I was peeing one day and thought, "wow, I sure have nice toes. Look at them... all painted and square. They look so pretty" Today.. with my feet in the air post-sex-baby making position I noticed.. that I really need to paint my toenails... how come I swear I looked at them two days ago and they were perfect? Where did the time go?? Another quandary for me is trying to figure out how one week of ovulation testing has felt like a year. Why has time stood still? I can't do this. I am so tense. I can feel tears welled up behind my eyes every single second of the day- waiting for something minuscule to happen so they can burst through and embarrass me. It's happened several times this week and I feel like such a child. My jaw hurts- it hurts so much it's painful to chew and I had a small panic attack questioning whether or not I should have accepted that tetanus shot they offered me when I got my eye bashed in- then I realized I'm probably grinding my teeth in my sleep- when I manage to sleep. My fingers hurt.. my back.. I think my hair even hurts. I can't remember anything. I can't manage to be on time. My eating has turned to crap- and in turn I'm over exercising.. and exhausting myself further. Classic symptoms. I just can't fail at this. I have wasted so much time and made so many stupid choices.. this is one thing I'm good at.. I'm supposed to be able to make cute babies.. why did our nothing have to stop growing? Why couldn't that one wonderful fluke of me being exactly on time for something I really wanted have progressed long enough for me to share my glory? Why is my body holding the eggs I have left hostage? I grieved my period- and I know I'm going to have to do it again- because my planning has failed.. there hasn't been a second "surge" line at all... I'm falling behind.. soon I will be lagging so far behind what I wanted I will be even more lost. I'm so angry. Some of my closest friends are expecting... I am happy for them... it hasn't been easy for them- why can they deal with it and accept the hurdles and I can't. Is it because I don't have any other notable successes in my life other than Abby? I haven't done anything- but I did make a cute amazing little girl... and yea you can go ahead and tell me to "relax and it will happen" but my first impulse is to tell you to fuck right off- in a nice way of course... but if the tables were turned I would say the exact same thing to you.. just relax.. the world owes you this.. and I would know too in my heart that any person as stubborn and hard headed as me would be telling me to eat it inside their heads. *** I need to note- if you're my friend and you have told me this- don't take this paragraph to heart- it's an instinct to want to swear away suggestions and help.. I know in my heart that when anyone close to me says that- the best intentions are met- I'm just not at the point of accepting that again, this lagging behind is my fault.. if I could relax.. maybe my body would wake up. I have given up so much. I've lost so much.. fallen behind in everything I ever belonged in. I've lost friends.. given up job opportunities, stopped my education- to have Abby- and I don't regret any of it.. because she is my perfect girl who I love with all my heart- but I don't want to fall any more behind then I already have. I want my family to grow- I want to be safely in my second trimester like I'm supposed to be. I want to share my friends' joy and excitement and not burst into tears as soon as they are out of my sight- or not even out of my sight... I want to be able to be a good friend. I want to find some peace with my body... I want to understand it. I just want to be able to keep up. I have been doing so much reading. I try my best to stop myself. I can't. I will use my ipod in bed in the middle of the night- and read about ovulation post miscarriage and d&c. I was so positive at first thinking that so many women get pregnant right away and now.. watching single surge line after surge (or non surge I guess) I have read that many women don't ovulate for a long time- I have also read that stress can make your body hold onto the eggies- maybe it's that smart and assumes if you're that stressed you're not going to be doing any babymaking- well body.. you are wrong... let them go. I don't know what on earth I can possibly do to make myself feel better. I could work less- but I can't- unless someone wants to pay our rent. I could get a massage- but I have neither the time or the money. I feel like I can't talk about it with my friends because they have either stopped returning my calls long ago and just wouldn't understand or want to understand- or they are dealing with the mysteries of pregnancy themselves- and I want them to embrace those mysteries and joys rather than have to try to rationalize my insane and childish behaviour. I could stop peeing on sticks and stop paying attention- but I can't. I feel like I've lost control over so much I want to control this- but I can't. It hurts.. I'm so angry. I'm not going to apologize for sounding like a spoiled brat in this note- that's not what my apologies are for. I know, once again that I am much better off than thousands of people.. My apologies are for crying in front of you- for looking down at the floor- for wanting to lay on the floor and throw one of Abby's famous tantrums. I can't apologize for not being myself- because the sad part is- this is me... myself. Again.. this is me in my moment.. and it is a hard moment- it is long and dragging on... it hurts my eyes and my teeth... my head and my heart are in the midst of the dispute of the century and my soul is suffering.. it's heavy with casualties and disappointment... I want to unclench. I want to say thank you for supporting me- I see you nearly every day and you don't hold my tears against me- but rather you try to reassure me and help... I quite honestly feel I would be lost without your love and support- I don't think I have anyone who understands like you do. I am a mess now- but I would be in shambles without you. Underneath my "poop face" (which is what I like to call my stressed out constant scowl) is a smile when I think of how happy I am for you- I know someday I will get there.. I hope. I'm grateful for your continuing friendship, even when I'm a psychopath- thank you for picking me up- and not leaving me behind.