The Anchor

WRitten March 29 2011 It's funny- on a particularly bad day I decide: I simply must write. I need to purge and lighten myself... this will likely be written in installments over a few days as I rock Otis in his carseat with one foot while Jay gives Abby a bath- it's only moments away that she comes bounding out to "poke" her baby brother or scream in his face and wake him up... thus I will need to move on to a different activity. I am tired. There are luxuries with the first baby that I totally took for granted... like breastfeeding sitting down- and patiently without the need to rush the baby so we can get to preschool or so I can make Abby breakfast... napping when the baby naps isn't an option with a little one running around (screaming)- in fact the baby actually getting a nap isn't an option- I have to leave the house no later than 10am or I feel the need to lock myself in the bathroom and scream- because Otis is screaming with frustration out of not being able to sleep and Abby keeps repeating, 'where are we going, what are we doing where are we going what are we doing why why why why why why why?" I have been out with Otis since the day I came home from the hospital and I don't know how many times people have commented on how "brave" I am for leaving the house with him when he's still so little- I just feel like responding that it's the only way we'll all survive- the walls of this tiny house close in on me every single second... getting out is the only way to not feel trapped- and it's the only way Otis will nap. I feel like I've been raped by an octopus by the end of the day.. between nursing and carrying and slinging and bjorning and toddler-clinging-to-my-legging I'm all touched out. I feel bad because a little kiss is all I can muster to Jay because I'm all touched out... I long like crazy for some space and just a few minutes to myself to just sit.. but that isn't happening for a while- and that's fine.. I just need to keep reminding myself that my time will come. There are some things this time around that are better- I don't worry about every single thing.... as much. Of course with a tiny human completely dependant on you 24/7 there are worries--- oh. pause.. and so ends installment number 1. hopefully tomorrow I remember what my point was.... I started this note in November. It's now March 28th. Wow. I've thought to myself many times, "man I'd love to sit down and write something" but the reality is my actual "computer" time is so scarce- I do most of my work on the google machine via way of my cell phone or Ipod (when Abby hasn't jacked my ipod to watch youtube). Otis is essentially 6 months old- and still on the schedule of a newborn- waking at bare minumum (this week) every 3 hours. In fact, I can heard him squacking now in the play pen in our room- but it hasn't been an hour yet so he will need to stay in there and try to muster some more sleep out of himself. Otis is a Momma's boy. There are things about that I love: his ear-to-ear grins when I come into the room, his giggles when I hang my hair in his face or shake his little hands, how if I pick him up he settles almost instantly... there are things about it I don't like: how I can't leave the room without loud protesting, if I keep him down too long he screeches like a teradactyl, how making dinner with a wiggly baby in a sling is a serious safety hazard. We went through some major sleep trauma. He's been in our bed until about 3 months, then his crib and our bed as a combo (early early mornings I'd move him in with me) then he started to wake up every 2 hours, then every 45 minutes- fearing it would disturb Abby's sleep we moved him to a playpen in our room-- which didn't help- I thought maybe he still wants to sleep with me- it made things worse- now he was getting up every 45 minutes and I wasn't sleeping... and I was CRANKY! Then back to the playpen on one of my smelly shirts-- that helped, back to 2 hours, then he got very sick and would only sleep in my arms if I was sitting up. That was great. I thought I would lose my mind. I cried a lot. Now he is back in the play pen doing a modified cry it out-- where I let him cry during nap time in hopes he will figure things out at night without too much screaming because his big sister needs to sleep.... and so does his Momma-- Daddy seems to just pass out on the couch and not hear a thing so he's fine. It's hard having two kids. Two schedules. With Otis now on solids two more meals to cook- on top of the already two different meals I cook for Jay and I as I'm doing weight watchers- successfully meeting my goal after 12 weeks (yay). I do enjoy making baby food though- I can get pretty crafty and my little tubba seems to like everything so far... except crying in his playpen- but who can blame him? I'm racing sleep the entire day. I get up at 6 to run- get back inside by 645 for Jay to leave for work- pray the kids are still sleeping so I can shower-- then hope Abby wakes up happy from what little sleep she got (she is like me- can go without much) and then I hope Otis sleeps long enough for me to make Ab's breakfast and maybe jave a hot cup of coffee (YEA RIGHT!). Then when he does wake and is usually so smiley and amazing-- I have to keep him smiley and get everyone ready to leave the house to drop At at school- only to race home before Otis falls asleep in the car- simply so he can fall asleep at home and get some practice! Then I have to hope he wakes in time to go pick up his sister- race home for lunch or out to do errands and then back home in time for the next nap... why don't I just stay home? Well because Abby has so much energy that by the end of the day I feel like my head is going to explode! Why not let him sleep in the car? Well I do-- to an extent- but if he only sleeps in the car it simply reinforces his already nasty habit of cat napping 24 freakin' hours a day! It's a logistical nightmare. At night- I try my best to give Jay 20 minutes of his own time by bathing Abby with Otis in the jolly jumper- which that kid just loves it's amazing! I bet you 7 times out of 10 I have to ask Jay to pick Otis up because after 10 minutes he starts to scream- we've taken to evening walks so that Otis can have his tiny 3rd cat nap in the bjorn and Abby can blow off steam- but with that- comes an extremely neglected house- which makes me even more crazy! I kind of feel like a dog just chasing my tail in circles over and over and over- and never catching the damn thing- and when I do- and bite down it hurts! We are getting along. Spring is coming- then with the nicer weather I'll be trapped inside with naps longing to get out- and get Abby out to play-- wanting to have my cake and eat it too is painful! It's so hard to have kids without any outside support- our families are so far away- and I'm so seriously envious of families that do have each other that I swear you can see green steam coming from my ears when I hear of the luxury of going on a date or having someone help you fold your laundry- or even make dinner! Being at home is so much harder than being at work- and with the situation around our pitiful financial status I have seriously considered going back to work early- with my measly wage I would have to work full time again for it to be worth while- and since I would have to work til 12am- I would never get any sleep (considering most nights I get my most solid sleep from 9pm-12am) and then I would be an even "meaner Mommy" to poor Abby. So we suck it up- and let our debt grow- and try not to think about it. I feel like sometimes if I was to lose it (fully) this ship we call the Mazzone home would sail off into sea and be gone- I'm the anchor. Not trying to toot my own horn but it's true- I think most Moms out there are the anchors that hold things in place- I know husbands/daddies definitely play a part in the maintanance of the family- but generally speaking, us Mommas hold down the forts- and it's hard- and a lot of pressure. Anyway, I've rambled completley- maybe my mind is still on that laundry and the pylometrics I just did with Mr. Do-your-best-and-forget-the-rest... or maybe I'm grateful Otis has stopped crying-- only to hope that he wakes in 15 minutes so we can go pick up that sister of his. The way his face lights up when she dances for him or brings him a toy reinforces our choice to have a second baby even more than my love for him on the day he arrived. Otis has been a joyful (loud and challenging) addition to our family- but with that smile and giggle he fits right into this crazy family. He looks just like his Daddy- and I know he loves being part of our family just as much as his Daddy does.... I better go and make some noise- trick that little stinker into thinking he woke up by himself- I'm sure all the books tell you not to do that- I have trouble with the books and I'm picking and choosing what I like and dislike- what I am willing and unwilling to do- it's hard and probably harder than just following one method- but I'm the anchor- strong and stubborn- and a litttttle bit rusty.