it's just called caring

Written May 8, 2010

So, here I am, the eve of the day dedicated to our mothers-- and I'm sitting at home in my pjs- contemplating silence.... my new version of "livin' on the edge" is eating greek salad this late at night just hoping to avoid heartburn like a 19 year old hopes to avoid a hangover. Jimmy Fallon wrote his "thank you" notes last night.. and it went something like, "thank you- Mother's Day- for being just like Father's Day but you're the one people actually give a crap about" I laughed out loud- woke Jay up for a brief second- and then settled down- okay.. it's not that funny- but it's kind of funny- maybe to me especially because I'm lucky enough to have a great relationship with my Mom. Today will be a hard day for her- it would be Wes' birthday- it's the first to pass since his untimely death last June- we are all waiting for the trial of the drunk driver who killed him coming in September. This is one of the many hurdles she has had to move through, over, beside in her life... It's cliche- but to me, my Mom represents strength. I wasn't a nice teenager- I judged her and "hated" her and called her names (I know Abby will get me back) but as I grew older I actually started to realize everything she had been through and had done had been- and sitll is, for us, her children- and now grandchildren... Stuck it out through a shitty marriage- divorced twice from the same man- my Dad- but wanting desperately to make it work to avoid having to continue living on welfare as a single Mom of then two- taking a crappy job (literally) at a chicken farm so that she could be home for us when school was out- teaching craft classes because we could enroll for free as her kids- doing my paper route when it got too cold- coaching softball when she had no clue-- taking out small loans to buy me a fancy flute- I could go on and on... As my sister grew more and more sick- my Mom held it together the best she could- waiting for Cara to either get better- or die-- patiently by her side- me over a thousand kilometers away- at the time I resented it- but now- having a baby of my own- I get it... The three of us put my Mom through SO much- we still do (I have a sister in University- you know those crazy college kids) but she never stopped loving us- she never stopped trusting us- never judged us-and she never stopped trying to make things all better so that we wouldn't be heartbroken over anything. Again the cliche that my Mom is my role model- but in so many ways she is- at 51 years old she graduated with distinction and now holds her Child and Youth Care Degree with a Specialization in Child Protection--- her heart broken and her life torn apart by a stupid man who decided to take away her husband's life- Wes' estranged daughter who wanted nothing to do with him for EIGHTEEN years is all of a sudden interested and fighting for his estate- unanswered questions- the what ifs and how comes-- I only wish I had the strength to help my Mom get through this- I know if the tables were turned.... I need more training- and more of her strength- I can only help in bits and pieces... I keep telling her to put herself first- but that's one thing she doesn't have in her-- she can't help herself- and I want to step up to the plate and just force her to for once- but for a tiny little thing she is very very strong.. I hope all of the Mommas out there have a wonderful day tomorrow- I hope you have a Mom to look up to- or a Momma figure to thank for all you've learned and taken away to offer your own children- and the the women who don't have children or even want children- I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow- and that someone appreciates the maternal instinct that you have within you- I think as women we're all strong- and even those who feel they are anything but maternal-- you have those instincts in you- it's just called caring- This Momma has to go to bed- heartburn and all with tiny baby kicks and my weary mother tears... preparing myself for a lifetime of Momma years- and trying to muster the strength to be half as strong as my Mom has been for me...