Slips and Tangles

Written June 17, 2011 There are some days when I wake up and think, "was I meant to be a mommy today?" Through lack of sleep and this new phase of the everyday screeching headache I'm seriously doubting my skills... I hate doubting myself- I'm sure most people do (unless you're some kind of emotional masochist) I hate feeling like "failing" is slipping into my life... a few days ago I don't think "mommy" was in my vocabulary- at least not the Leave-it-to-Beaver kind of perfect mommy. Ab is in this new stage of extreme-- independence. She's a major Bratsky- and Otis is Hutch. From the second I wake up I go. I take out garbage and recycling on my way to run.. and I run- half asleep but my body knows what to do. By the time I finish both kids are usually awake and the mauling begins! I find it so funny that I talk to my Mom and Sisters on the phone and they have to let me go or put the phone down so they can put mascara on- I guess not everyone posesses the skills to put on liquid liner and mascara while two hooligans crawl all over them. Sometimes I just feel so suffocated... and the exhaustion just fuels my impatience.. or is it inpatience? I have been short with Abby through this bratty stage- unsure of how to discipline her for not listening- or flailing or screaming... or hitting her brother with a broom. I just feel so lost on those days that I want to curl up and cry. I feel like I can't keep up with her- or her little brother- who is another mover and shaker who never ever stops. In this tiny house I feel like a dog chasing its tail for the 12 hours a day Jay is gone. Sometimes I'm so exhausted when he gets home that I just want to burst into tears! The other day I had all this insight to write- and had the craving to write- but no time- or I fell asleep on the couch with a cookie in my mouth or something... these phases in life- stages or whatever you want to call them- they're debilitating sometimes! We all know "change is stressful"- moving or getting a new job- big life events- hard on the mental state of anyone- when you have kids it just feel like every day changes-- which is a blessing and curse- it would be nice to know how early to go to bed based on what kind of day your kids are planning to give you the next morning! In all the change in the kids is a certain monotany for the parents. Feed, play, change, sleep etc... and sometimes sitting to nurse or in front of the highchair picking up and replacing bits of cooked yam and chicken can be so draining.. Until someone giggles- or laughs so hard at a light, a block, a teddy- or a big sister... or until that big sister says, "I love you so much Mommy" or looks through wedding pictures where I look like a seriously beached and pregnant whale and says, "mommy you look SO pretty". Until a wiggly jumpy little worm leans into my neck and coos... or blows a raspberry on my arm... or sucks on my nose. Until watching two siblings roll around and laugh and play (until someone gets hit with the broom of course) makes tears come to my eyes... mixed tears to be honest- of tiredness and relief- frustration that all the toys are out AGAIN- and a love so deep it doesn't matter that I'll have to chase my tail around again one more time. The recent events after the loss of the Stanley Cup really affected me for some reason. I cried at the photos and footage and felt sick trying to comprehend how people can be so heartless- and ignorant. I found myself worrying that me raising my voice- no- let's face it- screaming at Abby to do something I've asked her to do 100 times or stop doing something I've asked her to do 1000 times will turn her into one of those hooligans. My Mom never yelled at me- I'm not a hooligan- but I've had my moments that's for sure... I just hope my kids remember me for the cuddles- for time spent digging in the garden- planting and replanting- checking to see if that strawberry is ready yet- I hope they remember my terrible singing and how once it starts it doesn't stop. I hope they remember that even though I go out some evenings to get away and have a break- that I kissed them both goodnight again while they peacefully slept (well okay Otis just has a series of naps). I hope they remember my cruddy clothes while they always looked cute- my tired eyes because I was up late rocking or singing- or doing something for their preschool or baking a homemade birthday cake... I hope they remember each time I told them that I loved them. Enough horn tooting. I guess I just think aloud that my actions influence my kids' actions. And that- my friends- is a lot of pressure. A lot. On days when I'm exhausted, drained or lonely it's extra hard... I was in a play when I was in grade 3- the first little piggy was my role- but since then my acting skills aren't so good- and I hope my little babes don't take it personally- because the smiles outweigh the tears and fears- after one screeching incident I spend the day extra concious of my behaviour and I hope they see that... I hope they see me trying every day- every moment- to be a good Mommy... because I love them more than anything.