Blink.

Sometimes that little bald bastard they call "Cailou" really pisses me off... like really! Or maybe it's his insane hippy parents that get to me- as Cailou spazzes out about bedtime or not wanting to take a bath his Mom just sighs, "oh Cailou- you're so silly- why don't you just stay up then, or not wash your giant bald filthy head" AHHH! That's not real life! You tell that little bugger to "shub up" *as Abby says and get in the tub! I've actually banned Cailou previously because I could not take his snively little voice- or his parents attitude towards his extreme whininess. This week however, Cailou has been my saviour. It sucks to have just said that out loud. I've been so tired, drained, and oddly depressed that I need to just lie down while Otis has his nap-- and that whiny little brat (Cailou that is) is a sure fire way to get Abby to sit and snuggle me- while I just "rest my eyes".

Life continues to whiz by me. Light speed. I feel like I blink and something new is happening- or I've missed something-- or there's another loop I've been tossed from as that's how far out of my old life I am. Wah wah wah- I know- mention of that "old life" again- the one pre kids- pre marriage- pre responsibility. The one where the hangover reigned and there was such a thing as sleeping in- the one where I could sit still without being mauled by children like midget wrestlers tag teaming Nacho Libre- or where I could sit still and not be plagued with guilt for not doing something more important....

I am scared sometimes... a lot of the time. Things go by so quickly that I'm scared to even close my eyes, often I don't. Otis is cruising around on furniture- we think he's saying "cat" and "dog" he's waving and playing along while we sing songs- he fancies himself someone who is quite hilarious- just like his Daddy. Abby's been to dance camp and another summer day camp- and she's talking to all kinds of kids- so easy to make friends- playing with the neighbour in the backyard- kissing me goodbye and saying she'll "see me in the morning". She's telling jokes- and playing tricks- and dishing out attitude as though she's already 13-- what happened?? Did I fall asleep??!

I move along through my days- fueled by coffee and the endorphins of my early early morning run (which has been giving me shin splints-- so now-- oh well that's a whole different ball of wax). Each step is a matter of survival... each meal for each family member is different and it's exhausting just thinking about it-- and the dishes that come along with it! I have to feed Otis as fast as I can- if a millisecond passes where there's not food in front of him he screeches and screams- I basically have to pin Abby down and/or bargain my way through her meal- and me- while I used to have time to make myself a nice healthy meal- I end up eating odds and ends between the two kids- though keeping a huge salad in the fridge has helped- but there's been times when I've been so hungry I'll eat cold mashed yams with peas or crusts of bread! This is likely nothing new to any Momma- it just kind of sucks sometimes. I wish someone would cook me supper... frick- just make me some toast with peanut butter.

I think of that book "About a Boy" where he describes the day being broken up into units of time- and that's how it goes... spending all day trying to keep to a schedule just so we can go to sleep (on time) and do it all over again- with the least amount of crankies and trauma- it's can be excrutiating! Rushing around to get things done in time for lunch and nap and then having to wake Otis up just so he'll go to bed on time! At times it seems like pure insanity and the most backwards reasoning- but for 2 hours of quiet time- where I get to finish cleaning, pay some bills, fold laundry etc etc etc...

All this whining- it's the life of a Momma I know it. I'm not stupid.. I love my children more than anything- but I can still complain about all the work that comes along with them! I still feel like even after 2 children and nearly 4 years my childless friends often don't know what it takes to have these gremlins- you really can't feed them after midnight or you're fucked!

I guess as my return to work approaches I'm starting to panic. When the eff will I have time to sleep? Seriously. Will my house turn into a garbage pile (oh wait- excuse me, an even BIGGER garbage pile). Will Otis' fingernails grow so long they'll get him into the Guiness Book of World Records because I won't have time to cut them? Will Abby go to school with candy in her hair, green teeth, wearing all her favourite clothes all at once because I'll lose the will to care about teeth and hair- because she'll get new ones and it'll grow back if we have to cut the candy out- and I'll be too blind tired to see that she looks like an absolute lunatic (okay- I know she's 3.5 she is allowed to wear all her favourite things at once- but once she gets a little older I won't have a hope in hell of dressing her so I'm trying to take advantage!)

And I panic about all the things I will miss. 9 hours (minimum) away from my beautiful kids. What will I miss?? What if I miss Odey's first step- I want to puke just thinking that it's possible I might- it makes me sick to think that he won't need Me- Momma- to put him to bed.. What kinds of conversations will I miss between Abby and her babies and imaginary friends? What hilarious things will she say while I"m gone? Once again I have to hold tight to these things- because with every blink I"m missing something.

I went to Ab's dance recital today- just a little dance in the studio for the parents- I had taken Otis for a walk so he'd nap and stopped in at Micheals from some crafties- and I was a little late- hitting every red light on my way.... I stood at the doorway with some other Mommas- holding Otis and I watched Abby snuggle her Teddy so tight- looking worried- and I wondered if she was worried that her buddy Kaeden's Momma was there and I hadn't come- she's funny- she didn't even know they were doing a recital-- but then that worried little face caught my eyes- and it lit up and she squealed (I had to shush her) she waved at me and waved at Odey... and I had to back away- because I burst into tears. How did she get so big- so beautiful- so amazing? Just writing those words my eyes well- and I'll let the tears slip over my lids because I don't want to blink and miss something else.

Playing ball and listening to Otis scream while a friend shakes and jiggles him - bribing him to calm down and just chill- brings mixed emotions.... I want him to be happy and quiet and just let me play- but I'm also happy he wants me- wants a snuggle and a cuddle and to nuzzle me. I sometimes have to cook dinner with him screaming at my feet- nothing will do- no tupperware or banana- not even cheerios will help- or while I stand at the counter chopping away he stands between my legs and tries to climb me- some days I laugh- and others I struggle to not shake him off! Scared to blink- he might be taller than me when I open my eyes.

People always say to me, "cherish this time- you'll miss it when they're older" and yea yea yea- I know they're right- but I won't miss feeling drained and exhausted- I definitely won't miss sleeping on the livingroom floor! I know there are millions (yes millions) of things I'll miss when they're older- there are times- many times when I just want to hit pause- enjoy the moment- the hilarity- the love- sometimes I do- even when the extreme schedule doesn't allow for it- haha! I think of the feeling of my teeny babies nuzzled into my chest when they were just born- I can't remember the exact feeling- I don't know why-- but what I do remember is that there is no other feeling in the world that can compare-- no amount of blinking, or sleeping can make those two moments slip away.

My children are amazing- beautiful- hilarious- smart- emotionally charged- caring- sweet- hungry- tired- whiny- exhausting- but they're mine. I guess even if I blink and miss something- or per chance I "rest my eyes" for say 20 minutes- when I open them- my children will be there (universe willing) continuing on to be their amazing little- and not-s0-little selves...