Poopy Pants

Written August 27, 2010

Holy moley- literally. I am covered in these freakish little skin tags- that little girl in the commercial would be absolutely horrified if she saw me up close-- "Mommy what's that??" -- "it's a skin tag!" -- "eww it's yucky" Yea. thanks a lot you little bitch. Apparently, my dr. assures me, they will most likely all dissapear when the baby is born.. along with my hair falling out and me hemoraghing to death. Fun stuff. My back is in excrutiating amounts of pain-- by the end of the day I have so much trouble walking it's ridiculous- I look like I have poopy pants and/or like I don't bend properly. It's super sexy. Speaking of poopy (don't worry I won't discuss my acutal bowel movements) but there is a reason pregnant women should not be choosing paint colours in the paint store-- and I am staring right at it-- poop green. Yikes! Physically things are so different this time-- with much less swelling and lower blood presure it's nice to feel healthy and still able to exercise almost every day but I find myself to be very round this time.. very round.. and very anxious. I have been so hesitant to book my final day at work that i"m actually scheduled right up until my due date... that's pure insanity. I realize now with this inability to move past 2pm that I may have to stop working before that.. thinking back, I was counting down the minutes to my maternity leave during my pregnancy with Abby- just so happened that on my last day at work I was with a youth who lost her shit and there ended up being 8 police officers involved-- ha... she's a good egg who had a bad day.. but anyway- now I'm so scared to stop working.. I think the reasons are two-fold-- can I get away with saying that?? 1. Once I'm off work.. it will be official: I will be waiting for my baby- waiting for those terrible body wrenching contractions- waiting for the sleepless nights... oh the crying (not the baby- me) etc etc.. I know what I'm in for this time.. and 2. we may or may not have to live in our car with the current EI rates.. thinking about this, so many people ask me, "well you get 'topped up' right??" ummm no. In fact, neither Jay nor I have medical coverage and thus have a nice fat (well it feels fat to us) MSP bill to pay each month.. and I discovered that EI has a new pilot project allowing parents on parental leave (the portion of EI past the first 15 weeks known as maternity leave) to work and earn the greater of either 40% of their weekly EI premiums or $75... so I thought super- I can work one day a week and keep all my EI benefits (all $4 of them) but... the project ends Dec. 4 of this year.. meaning I won't qualify.. and seriously-I don't want to go back to work that early anyway... My fears are all starting to kick in- will I be as crazy post partum as last time- will Jay have enough patience again to stick it out with my crazy ass-- how will the four of us fit in this tiny 2 bedroom- what if baby won't breastfeed-- how will I cope with that? What if what if what if?? I think also- being off work will leave me time to worry more- whereas right now I tend to squish it in somewhere between work, painting the house, peeing and loving my Abby-- oh and sleeping sometimes.. I will also so miss the mover and shaker inside me- I know he'll be out in my arms- but in there- even on his busiest of days-- and he's busy alright- I can feel elbows and heels digging into my everything! inside he's all mine-- and even better- he's so quiet! This will most likely be my last pregnancy unless we can somehow score our own TV show that will pay for our childrens' college (because they have to go so they can pay off our student loans!) we simply cannot afford more children- we can barely afford kraft dinner right now! Trust me, I realize that so many more people are worse off than us- but it's hard in the world of "keeping up with the Jones'" not to feel a little pathetic that Granny has to pay for preschool... plus it's very easy to feel sorry for oneself when you spend the morning on the treadmill busting oneself's pregnant ass and the evenings gorging oneself's on icecream and zantac... wah wah wah... We shall see how things go these last 5 weeks... I remember being only 5 weeks into my pregnancy and feeling quite similar-- unsure and scared- worried and anxious- excited and so happy- I guess the upside of this end of the pregnancy is even though carrying our baby boy is coming to an end-- very soon I will be meeting the boy who will grow up to make the world a better place-- and I can enjoy a beer while I watch him grow :)